Night settled peacefully over the Mitsuhara University campus. As the sun's last rays faded beneath the horizon, a light breeze stirred through green lawns and crickets chirped thoughtfully, completing the picture; a quiet, serene oasis in the midst of the twenty-four-hour bustle that was downtown Tokyo. Quiet and serene for _some_, that is. Footsteps hammered down the pavement as the girl sprinted past neatly trimmed hedges onto the campus grounds, throwing a terrified look back over her shoulder. Steadying out, she forced herself into a rhythm, alternating frantic breaths with her equally frantic pace. She veered off the path, her shoes thumping on grass-covered turf, angling toward the tall concrete shadow of the Psychology building up ahead. Once she was there, she could cut across and be behind the Economics building before her pursuer could catch up... She dashed past the locked main doors, their glass nearly invisible in the twilight. A dozen paces more and she skidded around the corner of the building, barely maintaining her footing; but she couldn't afford to slow down, not _now!_ A faint but distinct crash, followed by a pained yelp, echoed distantly from behind, and the girl faltered as the thought flickered across her mind that she should go back and help; but in another instant, self-preservation overrode it as she ran with renewed energy. She was on a rough gravel path now, the blocky length of the Economics building spreading out before her. She bolted toward it, the next corner and safety beckoning warmly, and she allowed herself a moment of exultation-- she had made it, she was almost _there_-- --and then her left foot slid out from under her in a spray of loose rocks as she turned the corner, and for one awful stretched instant she flailed for balance as she fell, the ground rushing up sideways in her vision. And as she fell, she knew the horror of a certain cute and perky voice echoing pitilessly in her ears, coming closer and closer. "_Iruuuuuka_!" Rakiko's voice called, bright and fresh and not the least bit peturbed by the kilometre-long chase she'd just run. _Why me?_ Iruka thought resignedly, as her head struck the ground and everything went black. The Darwin Society Super Self-Destructive Idiots of Destiny! Created by NeoPuu Chapter 3: Night of the Living Dodo Written by Marcus Fong "Iruka, are you _sure_ you're--?" "_Yes,_ I'm sure I'm all right," Iruka snapped, rubbing her temples in a futile effort to dislodge her splitting headache. "But, Iruka..." Rakiko's face was a picture of concern. "You might have a concussion, you know, and I remember you telling me that if I went to sleep with a concussion--" "Well, I'm not going to get to sleep anyway, with you here," Iruka said bitterly, wondering for the tenth time how Rakiko had ended up in her room. Of course, she already knew the answer; Rakiko had half-carried, half-dragged her here, after she'd managed brilliantly to knock herself out. _Nicely done, Iruka,_ she berated herself for the twelfth time. _You managed to stick yourself, yet again, in a confined space with the suicidal maniac._ Rakiko didn't even seem to notice the hint. "What were you doing running like that, anyway, Iruka?" she asked, wide- eyed. "You didn't say you wanted to be back at the dorm _that_ early!" "I was running for my life!" Iruka shouted. "You _blew up_ the ice cream parlour! How did you--how could _anyone_ blow up an ice cream parlour?" Rakiko looked back at her, a hurt expression spreading across her pretty face. Iruka hesitated, her indignation collapsing into a sudden surge of remorse. Of course Rakiko hadn't _meant_ to do that. It had just been an accident. She opened her mouth, an apology wavering on her lips-- "Well, how could I know that was a gas valve?" Rakiko asked reasonably. "They shouldn't have put it where anyone could just turn it." Iruka gritted her teeth, remorse vanishing like a pricked soap bubble. "You mean the gas valve right at the back behind the counter next to the crepe pan, with the 'DANGER! FLAMMABLE!' warning sign?" "Of course!" Rakiko chirped. "But--" Iruka sighed, throwing up her hands and collapsing back on her bed. "Well, at least you didn't break the Psychology doors when you ran into them." She checked, once again, to make sure that there was nothing even remotely capable of burning down or blowing up her room anywhere in sight. Then she pulled a pillow over her head, mercifully blocking her view of Rakiko. It didn't matter; she could _hear_ Rakiko's pout anyway. "But that glass is _so_ hard to see at night! They should--" Iruka groaned, pressing the pillow tightly over her ears. This was going to be a _long_ evening... * Nobody could say he hadn't tried. He'd plucked up his courage, turned over a new leaf, woken up to a bright, shiny new day... and asked a girl out. And she'd rejected him. And then, to add insult to injury, she had deliberately ruined his second suicide attempt the other night, practically right after she'd turned him down. He wasn't good enough for her, and she hadn't changed her mind about that; but she wanted him to stay and suffer anyway. How backhanded could you get? Yep, yesterday had sucked. And today wasn't looking any better. Well then, time to get back to basics. This time. _This_ time, for once in his life, everything would work out. He was going to kill himself, and nothing was going to go wrong this time... ...just as soon as he figured out how to do it. Kazuhiro wandered aimlessly around the campus, his frustration growing with every step. Bombs and guns would be ideal, but they were hard to get and he was flat broke... and besides, the first time he'd tried them hadn't worked so well. He kicked moodily at a stray rock in his path. Just jump off the roof? Nah, odds were too good that he'd only be injured or, worse, crippled. The same went for simply stepping out into traffic. So what did that leave? He chuckled bitterly. "Well, you could always go home," he told himself. "Your mother's cooking would poison a rhinoceros, after all--" Wait a minute! Poison! That was it! He brightened, his mind ticking over rapidly. Perfect. He could just find something lethal enough, and all he'd have to do would be to swallow it and wait... The only catch was, he didn't know anything much about poisons. Least of all where to find them. _Ah, well,_ he decided. _The Chemistry department's bound to have something._ And so he set off with purposeful strides, whistling as he went. ~/o Always look on the bright side of Death... o/~ * "Are you sure, Iruka? It'd be a lot of fun!" Rakiko coaxed. Their last class for the day had just finished, and the two of them were walking back toward the dorms as night fell. Iruka sighed in exasperation. "No, Rakiko, I am _not_ going anywhere with you tonight." _I'd like to have just one peaceful evening without any immediate threats to my life,_ she added mentally. "Iruka--" "Look, I already told you--" "--that's the guy who tried to commit suicide yesterday!" Rakiko gasped. "Huh? You mean Iwauchi? Where?" Almost despite herself, Iruka glanced quickly around--Dokuro Iwauchi _was_ awfully cute, after all. Even if he was the president of the most insane and dangerous club on campus. "No, no, no! The guy I turned down!" Rakiko explained, her blue eyes alight with concern. "He just went into that building over there!" Iruka looked at Rakiko, then gave a tiny shrug. "So...?" "So we have to help!" Rakiko proclaimed. "C'mon, Iruka!" "Wha--_what? Wait--!_" Suddenly, Iruka was being towed, protesting all the way, toward a squat, wide building. _That's the Chemistry building,_ the calm, analytical part of her mind told her-- --Chemistry? Visions of lit flames, beakers of acid and exploding things and-- The calm, analytical part of Iruka's mind fled screaming, as Rakiko pulled her into the building. * Kazuhiro _really_ wished he'd paid more attention in chemistry class, back in high school. It had been easy enough to walk into the building and find a chemical storage room; but trying to find a good poison from an array of names like "2,4,5-trichloro-phenoxyacetic acid" and "tetrodotoxin" wasn't quite as simple as he'd hoped it'd be. Sure, there were warning labels, but it was hard to tell which "Warning: Poison" would kill him, and which would just end up with him in hospital on a suicide watch. But nothing was going to stop him. He reached up and started picking out bottles. One of them would do the job, he was sure. He'd just have to mix them up and see. * "Where'd he go?" Rakiko wondered. Iruka shrugged. "I didn't see him. Can we just _go_ already?" Rakiko, being halfway up the hall, didn't hear her. Iruka breathed an exasperated sigh, shook her head and started to follow-- --and came to a sudden halt. Wait a minute... why was she following Rakiko again? _Maybe you're getting used to having her around,_ a tiny voice told her darkly. Iruka squashed it firmly, turning on her heel to leave. Rakiko was going to get in trouble again; that was absolutely certain. And there was no reason that Iruka had to be around yet again when it happened. Now, which way was out--? "Oops." * After passing the same set of doors for the fifth time in ten minutes, Iruka was about ready to scream. The Chemistry building had obviously been designed by some mad sadist just to torment her. Finally, she stopped. _No point in wasting more time,_ she thought. _I'll just find somebody and ask them where the exit is._ Iruka took a couple of paces toward the nearest open doorway. Nobody seemed to be inside, but she could hear some clinking and bubbling noises... "Hello?" she called, easing around the doorway for a look inside. The young man working at one of the lab benches jumped several inches off the floor in shock, twisting around to face her. "Who--who are you?" he demanded, embarrassment and anger on his face. "What are you doing in here?" Iruka hesitated. "I was just going to ask--" And then it hit her. "Hey! You're that guy from last night!" His eyes narrowed. "What's it to you?" "Nothing," Iruka protested, holding her palms out defensively. "I just want to--" "Iruka! _There_ you are!" Iruka barely suppressed a wince. "Uh, hi, Rakiko," she said weakly. She should have known she couldn't escape that easily. "I've been looking all over for--" Rakiko stopped, having caught sight of the guy in the room. "You found him, Iruka!" "_Found_ me?" He glared at Iruka. "You were following me?" "Not exactly," Iruka stammered. "I--I mean, my friend here wanted to talk to you, because--" "That's funny," he snarled. "Seeing as she got rid of me so quickly the other day, she doesn't even know my name--" "Sure I do!" Rakiko put in. "Your name is Kazuhiro Bashizaki, you're on academic probation, your GPA is--" "How do you know that?" the guy--Kazuhiro--spluttered, turning astonished eyes to Rakiko. "I did some research!" Rakiko smiled brightly. "Because, you know, they say that the first thing to do when talking to suicidal people is to--" "You turned me down!" Kazuhiro retorted angrily. "Now get out of my life and let me end it all!" He swung back to Iruka. "And that goes for you too! I don't need any busybodies telling me--" "Eep," Iruka choked out, pointing. Kazuhiro whirled... and his eyes practically popped out, when he saw Rakiko merrily holding a match to the clear plastic tube leading into his lit bunsen burner. The clear plastic tube full of extremely flammable natural gas, which was blackening and just starting to melt as Rakiko watched in fascination... "AAAHHH!" he shouted, jumping toward Rakiko; she gasped and jumped back, dropping the match. Missing his target, Kazuhiro collided with a lab stool, one arm flailing wildly out to sweep almost everything off the bench in a shattering series of crashes. He staggered upright a second later, as Rakiko stepped back to Iruka's side, her face a study in puzzlement. "What did he do that for, Iruka?" she asked. Iruka turned to stare at her friend. She opened her mouth... and then closed it again, shaking her head and motioning toward Kazuhiro. The young man staggered to his feet, flinching as he checked various burns and abrasions. "Are you okay?" Rakiko asked, taking a step forward. Kazuhiro's face twisted into an expression that made Iruka wince in sympathy. "Stay away from me," he gasped, backing away. "I'm going back in there to get some more chemicals, and when I get back, you two'll be gone, right? Right." And with that, he spun and bolted for a small back room. "Let's go, Iruka!" Rakiko said urgently. "He might try to hurt himself again!" The pink-haired girl took off after Kazuhiro, not looking back. Iruka paused, thinking it over. It probably wouldn't be the wisest idea to follow a guy known to be suicidal into a small back room, would it? No, certainly not. The best thing for Iruka to do would be to take off in the other direction and not worry about it once she was far away... ...but Rakiko might get hurt. So what? Rakiko did so many crazy things she'd get hurt eventually anyway. It was a miracle she was even alive. But Rakiko might get hurt... Iruka blinked. Why was she right in front of the back room's door? And why was she pushing it open? All right, she decided. A quick look couldn't hurt. She peeked in... and gasped in horror. "Which one did you want again?" Rakiko was saying cheerfully, reaching up for a pile of bottles as Kazuhiro eyed her fearfully. "This one? Oh, wait, I can't quite reach-- ah! Got it!" She jumped up, catching hold of the shelf... ...and the shelf creaked and began to move, toppling downward with awful inevitability-- --and Iruka snatched at Rakiko's sleeve, yanking her bodily back through the door as the entire shelf collapsed and bottles and glassware rained down in a chaotic mess of breaking and bouncing and shattering, drowning out Kazuhiro's screams. Caught off balance by the pull, Rakiko slammed into Iruka, and the two girls struck the floor outside the room, the door slamming mercifully shut on the disastrous scene as they skidded across the smooth tiles. Rakiko was first to get up, as the last tinkle of smashed glass faded. She looked down at Iruka... and made a V- sign, smiling brightly. "Hey, nice reflexes, Iruka!" Iruka just moaned and buried her face in her hands. * "Do you think he'll be all right?" Rakiko asked, still watching in the direction the ambulance had taken Kazuhiro. "Probably," Iruka said absently, watching as more people in chemical-hazard suits trooped into the back room to help with the cleanup. "Like I said, don't blame yourself. There's obviously a lot more wrong with him than you not wanting to go out with him." "Right!" Rakiko nodded energetically. "Speaking of going out..." A sudden chill passed through Iruka at the tone in Rakiko's voice. "Rakiko, I said I wasn't going anywhere with you tonight." "No, silly!" Rakiko giggled. "You know how I asked you to come to the Society for the Scientifically Inquisitive and the Intellectually Curious meeting on Friday, right? And you said you just wanted to relax and stay at the dorm?" "Um..." Iruka answered cautiously, as her self-preservation instinct triggered a hundred screaming alarms in her brain. "I guess I..." "Well, Iwauchi-sempai wanted to take you out to dinner, remember? I talked to him this morning, and I mentioned that you'd be free then... so he's skipping the meeting and letting me chair it, because for some reason he thinks I'll be the next President! And then he said that he'd meet you at-- "--um, Iruka? What's wrong, Iruka? Hey, wake up...!" Author's Notes: "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Death" is from Monty Python's "Life of Brian." "2,4,5-trichloro-phenoxyacetic acid" is a herbicide and "tetrodotoxin," also known as TTX, is the active component of pufferfish poison. Both the melting-through-the-bunsen-burner-tube incident and the pulling-down-shelf-of-chemicals incident (complete with cleanup crew in hazard suits) are modelled loosely on actual high school events witnessed by friends. Thanks to Phoebe for prereading and suggestions, and ELRutt for prereading. Marcus Fong Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia 9 February 2001