Jack was depressed.

He sat slumped in his dressing room, a vacantly sad look on his 
face.  His hair had lost its vibrant sheen, and the spikes 
drooped.  For the past weeks he had been alone, depressed, and 
utterly uncontroversial.

Without Mr. Duck, life just didn't seem worth living.

Catching a glimpse of the associate producer passing by, Jack 
practically launched himself out of his comfy chair, whipped 
around the corner, and latched onto her arm.  He looked up at 
her, tears glittering in corners of his eyes.  "Please give me 
back Mr. Duck."

The associate producer looked down at the quivering wreck of a 
man clinging to her arm, and shook her head unsympathetically.   
"I'm sorry Mr. Lysias, but the duck stays with us for the time 
being.  We already discussed this.  Many, many times."

"How can I work not knowing he's alright?" Jack asked, his voice 
quavering into a strident falsetto.  "For all I know you've been 
starving him, torturing him.  He could be dead!"

"Fine, fine you can see him," she signed, not out of concern for 
Jack's fragile mental state, but rather for the show that would 
be starting in twenty minutes.  She waved to Jack's assistant, 
pointed to Jack, and made a cute little quacking motion with her 
hand.  The assistant nodded in understanding and rushed off.  The 
associate producer detached the now gleefully smiling Jack from 
her arm, which was becoming badly bent out of shape.

The assistant returned swiftly, carry a box that had been covered 
in a mauve flowered chintz material and trimmed in white 
rickrack.  Jack raised his eyebrow at the box, but only said "I 
hoped you put a lot of air holes in there.  Mr. Duck despises 
anyplace that is stuffy."

"Oh, he's doing fine, Jack," the assistant said with a wicked 
grin.  She opened the box with a flourish.

Jack's jaw dropped.  For once, he couldn't think of anything to 
say.

Mr. Duck was dressed in a frilly pink bonnet adorned with a tiny 
spray of pink satin roses.  He wore a dress with poofy sleeves 
(no wings poking through, they were unfortunately molded to his 
body) and princess seams, the full skirt spread wide, covered 
with lace.  Mr. Duck perched perkily on a pink embroidered pillow 
that matched his darling ensemble perfectly.  His shining black 
eyes stared serenely at the pictures of the male mallard ducks 
that wallpapered the inside of the box.

Jack sputtered something unintelligible.

"You'd better hurry up and get ready for the show," the associate 
producer smirked.

Practically frothing at the mouth, Jack whirl around and stormed 
into the dressing room, slamming the door quite forcefully.  The 
two women snickered.

Jack popped his head out of the door a moment later.  "Where's my 
lovely sports jacket?  The one I wore for the last show?"

The associate producer smiled sweetly.  "Why Jack, where you 
think we got the fabric for Mr. Duck's lovely outfit?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Working Title Fiction Presents:

THE IMPRODATING GAME

Created by Delfina and Stephica

This Part By Lady Brick

Part 2: When Shoujo Strikes

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Welcome, loyal fans, to another exciting episode of The 
ImproDating Game!" Jack announced to the wildly cheering 
audience.  Despite the loss of his wonderful sports coat, and the 
horror of seeing Mr. Duck forced to cross-dress; Jack somehow 
still managed to plaster on a giant smile.  "The show where your 
favorite Impro character get to pick their Dream or Doom Date.  
Before we meet today's guests, I believe we have some footage of 
last weeks couples."

The lights dimmed a bit and a giant screen flickered to life 
behind Jack.  A fuzzy picture showed several figures seated 
around a campfire, several exceptionally nice pup tents in view 
behind them.  Hiroshi and Becky seemed to be deep in an intimate 
conversation, while, judging from their gestures and hand 
motions, Aika and Kouji appeared to be discussing something 
fashion-related.  Suddenly, Aika looked directly towards the 
camera and seemed to say something that looked like "Hey, there's 
some pervert with a camera over there."  Both Aika and Becky 
stood, looking rather angry, and the picture suddenly shifted as 
the cameraman apparently decided to run for his life.  A moment 
later, the view jerked and hurtled towards the ground and the 
picture faded to black.

"And on that note, I would like to have a moment of silence for 
Eddie the camera man, who was tragically killed in what 
authorities are calling a hunting accident," said Jack solemnly 
as the lights came back up.  A full two seconds passed before the 
Controversial One spoke again.  "Well, he probably deserved it.  
Anyway, onto the show!  Our first bachelorette today is a 
cheerful high school student noted for her highly impressive 
adjective duplication skills.  But first, let's meet the 
bachelors!"

Jack flipped to his next index card, only to find that there 
wasn't one.  Struggling to keep his smile, he muttered something 
angrily off stage.  A minute later, a stack of cards was 
presented through the curtain.  Jack snatched them angrily.

"I should expect such sloppy organization from the type of 
monsters who would torment a poor, defenseless duck in such a 
manner," Jack muttered.  Then, remembering where he was, he 
flashed a jillion-watt smile at the audience.

"Anyway, where was I... oh yes, Bachelor Number One!  He 
enjoys... well, maybe not enjoys... he happens to collect cursed 
swords and ruthlessly kill prepubescent girls.  Let's give him a 
hand, folks!"

The audience clapped loudly for the trench-coated man who ignored 
them and remained slumped and unmoving on the first stool.

Jack's smile faltered a bit at the unenthusiastic reaction of 
Bachelor Number One, then returned in full force.  "Bachelor 
Number Two *greatly* enjoys evading his local authorities, sharp 
weapons, and conversing with the voices in his head.  Sounds like 
a winner to me!"  He nodded toward Number Two, a thin, black 
haired young man who grinned slightly manically and bowed to the 
audience with a flourish.

"Our third Bachelor is a bit of a sad story... he was scheduled 
to come on our show but was then caught in a tragic fire.  He 
should be dead by all accounts, but he pulled through just so he 
could be here with us today!  Trust me folks, he's magic!"

The audience applauded warmly for Bachelor Number Three, who, 
instead of the standard stool, was propped in a wheelchair.  He 
was heavily bandaged, especially his face.  Judging by the way 
his head lolled on his neck, he was unconscious.  Several 
audience members cringed a bit at the smell of roasted human 
flesh.

"Certainly, any girl would give up a limb or two for a date with 
one of these fine guys.  Now let's meet the girl who doesn't have 
to, our lucky bachelorette, straight from Heart Heart High, 
Yuki!"

The cheerful high-schooler bound out from behind the curtain, 
landing on the stool and nearly tipping it over.  "Hihi Jack!  
I'm very very VERY excited to be here today!!!"

"And we're glad to have you, Yuki.  Now before we start with the 
questions, why don't you give a big hello to the three 
bachelors?"

Yuki perched cutely on her stool, her eyes glittering with the 
obvious excitement.  "Hihi Bachelor Number One!"

"..." said Number One.

Yuki waited a full three minutes before deciding that she wasn't 
going to receive and answer.  She frowned, bit back a comment 
about how very very rude Number One was, and then resumed her 
cheering smile.  "Hihi Bachelor Number Two!"

"Hi there, sweetheart," said Number Two.  His voice was sleek and 
slippery, and just a touch chilly.

Yuki blinked at the somewhat eerie voice.  "And hihi Bachelor 
Number Three!"

"..." said Number Three.

Yuki lost her cheerful expression and turned to Jack.  "Are there 
really people there?"

Jack smiled warmly and put a hand on Yuki's shoulder.  "Of course 
there are, my dear.  The show's budget isn't *that* low yet.  Now 
go on, ask them your questions."

Yuki pulled a stack of pink index cards from her pocket and 
flipped through them a bit.  "Bachelor Number One, what dairy 
product do you identify most with?"

"..." said Number One.

Yuki looked helplessly at Jack.  He smiled and pointed at the 
cards.  She sighed, marked something on the card with a sparkly 
purple pen, and went onto the next question.  "Bachelor Number 
Two, what do you look for most in a girlfriend?"

"Sense of humor," Number Two replied without hesitation.

Yuki made some notes.  "Bachelor Number Three, at this point in 
your life, what would you say is most important to you?"

There was a long silence, followed by a choked gasp.  
"Morphine..." came a weak voice.

Yuki gasped in shock, and leapt to the top of her stool, forming 
the most heroic pose that a non-magical-girl shoujo high school 
student heroine could muster.  "Bachelor Number Three, you must 
turn from this evil, evil path now!  Drugs are very very bad for 
you!  They hurt your body and your mind!  You can defeat your 
horrible horrible addiction!  We all will support you every step 
of the way!"

Jack managed to drag Yuki back into a sitting position.  "Thank 
you Yuki, for your strong words on behalf of the War Against 
Drugs!  Now, please get back to the questions."  His smile was 
becoming quite forced.  The audience tittered a bit, being 
typical humans and taking great pleasure in watching the 
discomfort of others.

Somewhat bewildered, Yuki shuffled through her cards again, 
trying to find where she had left off.  "Bachelor Number Two, 
what is your idea of the perfect date?"

Number Two thought for a moment.  "Well, I guess it depends on 
the girl.  But I would say, it would have to be fun, and I'd make 
time stand still.  And of course, I'd walk her home afterwards."  
He winked raucously at the audience who laughed.  They quickly 
stopped when he began to fiddle with a large knife he seemed to 
pull from nowhere.

"Bachelor Number One, same question."

"..."

Yuki muttered something unpleasant-sounding under her breath.  
"Bachelor Number Three, what would your ideal pet be?"

A loud scream of pain came from Number Three as he appeared to 
gain full consciousness.  Jack gestured frantically offstage.  
His assistant ran on with a large syringe, which she slammed deep 
into Number Three's arm, emptying the contents into his 
bloodstream frantically.  He went limp almost immediately.

"And that brings us to the second-most-important moment for our 
little bachelorette, the all-important final question!  Yuki?"

Yuki nodded, making a few last notes with her sparkly pen.  
"Bachelor Number One," she began, her tone indicating how stupid 
she felt asking questions to the ever-silent Number One, "Which 
character on Doki Doki Kokoro do you feel best represents the 
real you?"

"Well, Aoi is the tough, easily angered type, always ready to 
fight his way out of anything, and I think that is how people 
tend to see me.  But I like to think that inside, I am more of a 
kind, caring person, who is willing to talk things out and share 
his feelings, like Okami.  So I think I am a bit like both 
characters, pieces from both extremes, but Okami is more like who 
I really want to be."

The audience stared at Number One, who was silent once more.  
Jack managed to pick his jaw off the floor.  Yuki jotted down 
some things, a small smile on her face.  "Number Two?"

"I have to say, I've always admired Teruko," Number Two mused.  
"Her ruthless tormenting of Aiko to get her to join her was 
impressive.  The scandalous pictures, cutting her hair, 
handcuffing her naked in the guys' locker room..."

Yuki couldn't contain herself.  Leaping onto her stool, she 
snapped into Yuki Dramatic Pose #87.  "Teruko was an evil evil 
nasty *nasty* girl, whose only purpose on the show was to garner 
sorrow for Aiko, the charming, adorable, and super super nice new 
girl!  Anyone who likes her for her personality must also be a 
evil evil nasty *nasty* person!"

"Yes," Bachelor Number One said.

The audience quavered in terror at the sight of the powerfully 
enraged schoolgirl.  Jack, feeling that the situation would 
quickly go nuclear if he didn't do something, signaled off stage.  
A stagehand appeared moments later, carrying a carrot on a paper 
plate.  As soon as the girl caught sight of the vegetable, she 
let out a pitiful eep, and instantly shrunk to a quivering glob 
of fuku on the stool.  

Jack waved the carrot away.  "Still one more bachelor to go, 
Yuki!" he said cheerily, giving the traumatized girl a 
supposedly-comforting-but-actually-quite-frightening smile.

Yuki took a deep breath.  "Bachelor Number Three, same question."  
Her voice shook only a slight bit.

"..." said Bachelor Number Three.

"Well, wasn't that touching," said Jack, straightening his power 
tie and nearly blinding the audience with it.  "We'll give Yuki a 
commercial break to consider who she wants as her hunky dream 
date, and..."

"But I already know," Yuki broke in.

"Who has Yuki picked?  We'll find out after a word from our 
sponsor!" said Jack, smoothly covering the awkward moment.

"Screw the sponsor you red-headed freak, we want to know now!" 
yelled an irate audience member.  Murmurs of agreement could be 
heard, followed by several rude shouts that would have had the 
sensor person hitting the little bleep button frantically, had 
the show been able to afford one.

Jack took one look at the quickly growing lynch mob, and 
scrambled backstage.  The associate producer gave him a quick go 
ahead and shoved him right back out.

"Andwe'rebackwithYukiwhoisgoingtotelluswhoshepickedrightaway
rightYuki?"

"Sure!" smiled Yuki.  "I pick Bachelor Number One because Okami 
was always my favorite character on Doki Doki Kokoro, and because 
he seems like a really good listener!"

"Aw, folks, isn't that sweet?"

The audience clapped warmly, agreeing with Jack that it was 
indeed, very sweet.

"And now," Jack continued, "let's meet the losers!  Bachelor 
Number Two is deadly, funny, and heals quickly, lucky for him!  
Let's hear it for Joker from Arcana!"

The crowd, of course, clapped.  Yuki went to shake his hand as he 
walked by, but one look at the lanky, dangerous-looking boy sent 
her to examine something very interesting on the surface of her 
stool.

"Bachelor Number Three was a dark, secretive worker of powerful 
magic, but now he generally concerns himself with his painkiller 
supply.  Give it up for Soshi from Wings of Fate!"

Soshi, who was out cold once more, wasn't aware that he was being 
moved off stage, let alone that people were clapping for him.  
Yuki just stared at the napalm victim, looking pained.  She 
didn't even notice that the stagehand wheeling him off was 
leering at her chest.

"Now let's bring out the contestant that you picked Yuki, your 
dream date!  He's the quiet, gender-stable partner of everyone's 
favorite shoujo murders.  That's right, it's Itami from Magical 
Girl Hunters!"

Itami slouched out from behind the wall.  Yuki looked at him and 
blinked.  He was twice as big as she was, and a good deal older.  
And he...

"You kill magical girls?" Yuki asked in a small, frightened 
voice.  She looked like a tiny, cute bunny two seconds before it 
gets smashed into the highway by five-ton semi.

"Yeah."

"But you watch Doki Doki Kokoro?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, okay!"  Beaming happily, Yuki latched tightly onto Itami's 
arm as the couple was led offstage. Itami for his part didn't 
seem to notice.

"Those two look like they will gave gobs of fun together.  We'll 
find the location of their Dream Date at the end of the show.  
But now it's time for a belated word from our sponsor!"  Jack 
hurried offstage and grabbed a large sack he had left near the 
curtain at the beginning of the show. 

The associate producer watched him warily, and snagged his arm 
before he could head back out.  "We don't have a sponsor yet.  
What is that?"

Jack shook the bag, which made a clinking noise.  "I called in 
some favors and got us a sponsor.  They sent me some samples to 
do a spot today, and if they are happy with it, they'll pay us 
for one on every show."

The associate producer's face went from joy to disbelief to 
suspicion faster then was humanly possible.  "What kind of 
company is it, Jack?"

"Just a small food production company.  They are looking to 
expand their business some."

"Honest?"

"Of course!  I very rarely lie, and then only about the important 
things."  He bounded back onstage before she could respond.

"Have you ever thought to yourself, 'Gee, everything I eat is so 
boring.  I want to try something new.'?" Jack began an obviously 
practiced banter to the audience as he took a few cans out of the 
sack.  He held one up to the audience with a warm smile.  "Then 
why don't you give Uncle Charlie's Baby Seal Patties a try?"

The audience stared in silent disbelief at Jack.  The host didn't 
seem to notice.

"Yes, previously only available through direct order, now Uncle 
Charlie brings his Baby Seal Patties to a supermarket near you!  
Made from only the rarest, most healthy seal pups, you are 
assured of high quality great taste in every can.  And remember 
what Uncle Charlie says; 'Once they're extinct, they aren't in 
danger anymore!'"

Jack was aware of some shrieking sound approaching him from 
behind, but before he could turn, he was slammed quite painfully 
into the ground.

"KILLINGBABYSEALSISVERYVERYVERYVERYVERYBADYOUHORRIBLEHORRIBLEHORR
IBLEPERSON!!!" cried Yuki, passionately hammering Jack three feet 
into the stage with a handy boom mike.  Itami watched from behind 
the curtain, the slightest look of impressed bemusement on his 
face.  Or maybe it was a shadow.  It was hard to tell.

The associate producer stepped onto the stage to end the fight, 
but Yuki was already bowing to the wildly cheering audience, a 
battered and unconscious Jack at her feet.

"Well folks, I guess we will be ending the show a little early 
today, sorry for the inconvenience.  Be sure to come and watch 
next week."  The associate producer told the audience through 
clenched teeth.  She stormed offstage, followed by a bouncing 
Yuki.

"So where are Itami and I going on our fun fun date?"

"To a beach house or something.  Go see Jack's assistant over 
there."  She watched the girl skip off and sighed.  She really 
needed some sleep...

A hand tapped her shoulder.

"WHAT?" she scream, whirling around, breathing fire.

A rather unobtrusive, older man looked back at her.  "What 
happened?  I thought I was going to get a date with a lovely 
young girl of my choice?"

"Professor Mirumoto, was it?"

Mirumoto nodded.

"Well, you want a date?"  The AP stormed over to Jack's 
assistant, grabbed something, and then returned to Mirumoto.  
"HERE!"  She deposited Mr. Duck in his surprised hand and stomped 
of to her office, slamming the door her enough to shake the 
building.

Mirumoto looked at the duck.  "Nice dress," he said absently.  
"Not quite what I was expecting, but oh well, I guess I'll make 
do.  Now where did that nice young man go with those delicious 
seal patties?"

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

It was only after I started this that I realized "Hey, I only 
ready like five impros."  I did have a second match up planned, 
but there were some problems, and on the advice of me prereaders, 
decided to leave off with just one.  Hope nobody feels too 
cheated, and if you do, too bad.  Go eat some seal patties or 
something.

Thanks to Phoebe for prereading... I had several other 
prereaders, but cut things too close and had to submit without 
hearing from them ^_^;  Also, thanks to Delfina and Stephica for 
writing what was my favorite of all the chibi entries in 3i; I'm 
glad it was picked up by Working Title Fiction.  As usual, 
comments, positive or negative, are greatly appreciated, and can 
be sent to lady_brick@yahoo.com