Backstage on the set of ImproDating Game, the associate producer was
standing in front of a door with a hugely muscled man, dressed in a tight
black shirt and jeans. "So you understand what you have to do?" she asked,
smiling. 

"Yeah, yeah. If that Jack guy tries to sneak in and get his duck back,
I...persuade him to go away," he said, cracking his knuckles and grinning
evilly as he spoke. 

"Good, good...now, you're sure you can handle this? Jack may be a nutcase,
but he's a devious little bastard." 

The large man snorted. "Trust me. I had this friend of mine who tried to
sneak by me on the job once...ONCE," he said, his tone of voice indicating
that said friend wasn't able to try much of anything anymore. 

The associate producer nodded. "That's great. Remember, we're counting on
you." 

As she walked away, the guard sat down in his chair and pulled out the
latest issue of Gratuitous Pain Monthly (the magazine for the sadist in
all of us). After reading quietly for a few minutes, he began to chuckle
quietly. "Damn, removal of the colon through the eye socket...THAT'S
impressive..." 

"Excuse me." 

The man looked up from his magazine to see Jack standing there, a
plaintive look on his weary face. "Oh, it's you," he said, rising from his
chair. "The director told me not to let you in to see your little friend,
so go away before I decide to send you away." 

"Listen, I'm desperate here," said Jack, rummaging around in his pockets.
"I'm worried sick about poor Mr. Duck. I have to see if he's alright."
After a moment, he pulled out a large wad of bills from his pockets. "I
can make it worth your while to let me by..." 

Little dollar signs flashed in the big man's eyes as he looked at the
money Jack was holding. "How much you got there?" 

"Ten thousand smackers," Jack said, waving the bills back and forth. "You
interested?" 

Responsibility briefly clashed with greed within the mind of the guard.
Rather predictably, greed busted out the whuppin' stick and won out.
"Lemme see that," he said, snatching the bills out of Jack's hands. 

As he thumbed through the stack of cash, the man paused and stared
intently at one of the bills. Confused, he looked back up at Jack. "These
aren't yen..." 

"Of course not...like I said, they're smackers. Ten thousand
Krzystxzlktani smackers. It's what they call the currency over in
Krzystxzlkistan." 

The large man blinked. "And what's that in yen?" 

Jack paused for a second to do some mental calculations. "Hmm...going by
the latest exchange rate...about 3 and a half yen, if my math's corr-ACK!"

Jack was interrupted as the guard picked him up with one hand by the
throat. "That wasn't very nice of you," he growled, squeezing Jack's
throat. "My paperboy tried to slip me currency from a nation experiencing
severe inflation once...ONCE." 

"Gurk," replied Jack wittily. 

"Now what should I do with you," said the hugely muscled man, a look of
mock thoughtfulness on his face. "Maybe I'll be nice and just rough you up
a lit-ULP!" 

This time, it was the guard who was interrupted as Jack kneed him in the
lower extremities, forcing him to release Jack's neck as he clutched at
the affected region, crumpling to the ground in a heap. 

After a couple of seconds, the man looked up at Jack (who was still trying
to catch his breath), hate in his eyes. "My grandma kicked me in the nuts
once...ONCE." 

The large man dragged himself upright and began hobbling after Jack, who
wasn't exactly running at an Olympic pace himself. After a short stretch,
Jack took a turn into a dead end. The large man quickly moved to block
Jack from running by, and started to advance on the spiky-haired host.
"I'm gonna take you apart, you spiky-haired bastard. Any last words?" 

"Look up." 

"I'm not gonna fall for that! What do you think I am, stupid?" the man
laughed, right before a 1974 Buick Roadmaster dropped onto him, squishing
him like a bug. 

"My parakeet dropped a '74 Buick Roadmaster on me once...ONCE," the man
managed to wheeze out, right before fading into unconsciousness. 

"Sometimes it's so easy...I'm ashamed of myself," said Jack, stepping
around the wreckage. "Now to go get Mr. Duck..." 

Before Jack could get back to the room, however, the associate producer
ran out and grabbed him by the arm. "It's time to start taping Jack!" she
said, dragging him towards the set. 

"Ah, crapmunch..." 

************ 

                 Working Title Fanfiction Presents 
                         ImproDating Game 
                  Created by Delfina and Stephica 
                      Episode #3: Dream Date 
                      Written by Jesse Ellman 
                 Sole Member, Insane Cod Productions 
   "Where Logic Gets Drunk and Insanity is the Designated Driver." 

************ 

"Hello, everyone, and welcome to the game show that's taking seven or
eight households by storm, IMPRODATING GAME!" Jack said, pouring in the
enthusiasm in the hopes that it would make the producer happy, and get him
a chance to see Mr. Duck. "Yes, it's ImproDating Game, the show where the
Impro characters you know and love have at least a theoretical chance of
meeting that special somebody! I'm your host, Controversial Jack, and I
can assure you that we have one hell of a show for you tonight! Are you
ready?" 

"Yeah!" yelled the studio audience, cheering wildly. 

"Well, we're not. Because before we meet our three eligible bachelors,
we're gonna check on our winners from last week, Yuki and Itami, and see
how their dream date went. Let's go to the videotape..." 

************ 

"Allright, everyone! Bobo-chan says it's time to die!" 

The camera panned over to see Yuki, still in her school uniform, giggling
cutely as she mowed down a group of magical girls with a chain gun. "This
is fun!" she said, smiling as she swiss-cheesed a pink-haired girl. 

After a few more seconds of shooting, Yuki took her finger off the trigger
and surveyed the scene in front of her. Bloody magical chunks were
splattered all around, more than a few insipidly cute talking animals were
splattered into a fine paste. Smiling, Yuki looked back over her shoulder.
"How did I do, Itami-kun?" 

Itami, who was leaning casually against a wall, nodded slightly. 

"WAIWAI!" Yuki wai'd, running over to Itami and glomping onto him.
"Killing pre-pubescent girls in fun fun *FUN*! This has been the best
first date EVER!" 

If Itami was pleased with the praise (or the glomping), he gave no outward
indication of it. This didn't phase Yuki, though, as she disentangled
herself from Itami and looked him straight in the eyes. 

"Well, now that that's over with, what do you say we go back to your place
so you can show me how good you are with your sword?" Yuki purred, her
tone doing a complete 180 as she pulled herself closer to Itami. 

In response, Itami simply pointed behind her. Yuki turned around to see a
purple-haired magical girl, bleeding from several gunshot wounds,
staggering towards the happy couple. 

"Damn, missed one," Yuki muttered. Turning back towards Itami with a wink,
she flashed him a big smile. "You stay right here, okay Itami-kun? I'll
deal with this quick, and then we can go...do something fun." 

Not waiting for Itami to respond (which was probably a good idea, since
she would've been waiting a while), Yuki started walking over to the
perforated magical girl, who had fallen to one knee. "I'm really sorry I
have to do this, but...this is Itami-kun's job, and it wuld be mean and
nasty of me to dissapoint him and let you get away. Plus we need to get in
some sweet sweet lovin' before my curfew." 

The young girl looked up at her with wide eyes. "But...but, you're a girl
my age. You're wearing a fuku. Why are you doing this?" Crying, she
reached up and pulled Yuki into a hug. "Please, please don't kill me! I'll
do whatever you want! I'll stop being a magical girl, I'll get you
money..." 

Yuki frowned. "You're bleeding on my clothes." 

"...and I swear I'll never bother you again if you just let me...huh?" 

"You're bleeding on my clothes." 

The magical looked down to where her wounds were leaking onto Yuki's
school clothes. With a startled gasp, the girl took a step back and looked
up at Yuki, tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry...I'll pay to have them
cleaned, I prom-" 

*CRACK* 

The magical girls pleas were cut short as Yuki reached over and snapped
her neck in one swift movement. The girls eyes widened in shock before
rolling back in her head as she slumped to the floor. 

"Bleeding on my clothes was an evil evil nasty NASTY thing to do..."
mumbled Yuki, turning back towards Itami. "Wah! Itami-kun, she bled all
over me and ruined my clothes!" she cried, near tears as she ran over and
glomped onto Itami again. 

Itami raised his eyebrow slightly. 

"Oh yeah, I'm not really going to be needing my clothes, am I?" said Yuki,
releasing his arm. Grabbing his hand, she pulled him back towards Itami's
car. 

"...Wai," muttered Itami softly. 

************ 

"And we're back!" said Jack, turning back towards the studio audience.
"Now wasn't that interesting? Looks like Yuki and Itami really have
something going there! And you can expect more of the same tonight, on
ImproDating Game!" 

The audience, jaws agape, was stunned into silence. 

"Glad you're all as excited as I am," said Jack, trying to rev up the
crowd a bit. "So, are you all ready for some matchmaking excitement?" 

The crowd, still stunned, muttered softly in the affirmative. 

Jack frowned. "Lemme rephrase that...are you ready to see a drop-dead
gorgeous women pick one of three eligible men to spend a romantic night
with, possibly leading to HOT WILD SEX!?" 

That got the crowd cheering. "Still got the touch," chuckled Jack. "Now
let's meet our contestant. She's a green-haired beauty, a self-described
"sex-demon" from the isle of Scotland, and she's come here to find a man
who can satisfy her! From MTCFF Ultra, give it up for...you've GOT to be
kidding me." 

The crowd paused in mid-clap, confused. "Who?" they wondered aloud. 

"What the hell are you doing?" hissed the associate producer, irate. 

"I can't believe you got HER!" growled Jack, equally irate. "No way I'm
doing a show with that..." 

"You'll do it, or the next bathtub Mr. Duck will be floating in will be
filled with battery acid." 

Jack's eyes widened. "You wouldn't..." 

The associate producer smiled viciously. "Try me." 

"Sorry about that folks, just a little technical snafu," said Jack, not
missing a beat as he turned back to the crowd, trying to hold a fake smile
on his face. "Like I was saying, give a warm ImproDating welcome to our...
wonderful contestant, Morrigan Aensland." 

The crowd (read: the guys) went nuts as Morrigan strutted out from
backstage, dressed in her usual clothes (or lack thereof). Walking to the
front of the stage, she leaned over slowly towards the audience, blowing
kisses and giving the crowd a nice view of her impressive...shoulders.
Yeah, that's it. Shoulders. 

As Morrigan started to walk over to her seat, Jack flashed a nasty smirk
at her. "So, Morri, what brings you to our humble little show? Having
problems finding men willing to put a bag over their head and do the
horizontal rumba with your old, saggy ass?" 

Morrigan, now seated, wagged a finger at Jack. "Now, now, that's no way to
treat your contestant, is it?" she said, laughing lightly as Jack scowled.
"If you must know, I'm here to find someone who can...fulfill my needs.
I've been having some trouble finding men who measure up to my high
standards." 

"I thought your criteria for sleeping with men was that they have a penis
and a pulse," Jack cracked. Turning back towards the audience, he lowered
his voice into a mock whisper. "And I hear she's flexible about the
latter..." 

The crowd "ooh"d. 

"And you'd fail to qualify on the former, Jack darling." 

The audience "ooh"d again, a bit louder. 

"Sorry, Morri, but I'm not interested. Contracting genital warts isn't
high on my 'to do' list." 

The crowd went nuts, laughing loud enough to drown out the curses of the
associate producer. Morrigan rose from her chair, growling, and began to
advance on Jack. After a moment, though, she stopped and regained her
composure. "You really want to know why I came on this show, Jack?" 

"The suspense is killing me." 

Looking down her nose at Jack, Morrigan snorted disdainfully and looked up
at the tech booth. "Would you boys up there be dears and play "I Dream a
Dream" from Les Miserables? I'd so appreciate it," said Morrigan in her
best innocent voice, smiling sweetly. The techies, nodding quickly, raced
around the booth to get the music going. 

Smiling, Morrigan turned back towards the audience as the lights faded
overhead, a soft spotlight shining on her. As she spoke, a slow piano tune
began to play. "You people don't understand how hard it is to be me. I'm a
succubus. I need to have sex to survive, but I have feelings too. I want
to have some fun. Is that so much to ask?" She paused to wipe a tear from
her eye. "It wasn't so bad in the old days; back then, there seemed to be
good men wherever you looked. But in today's world...well..." 

o/" There was a time when men were hung o/" At first they'd be soft o/"
But I'd make them stiffen o/" It was a time of firm behinds o/" The guys
all lasted long o/" And made my blood quicken o/" There was a time o/"
Then it all went wrong 

o/" I dream a dream of times gone by o/" When men were hot o/" And were
worth screwing o/" I dream of getting banged a lot o/" I dream that sex
would be worth doing o/" Then I could find men anywhere o/" And they were
fucked and drained and wasted o/" I'd do them all, I didn't care o/" No
stud untouched o/" No seed untasted o/" Now they all blow way too fast o/"
I am always left unsated o/" As the frustration builds up o/" It's been
decades since I came o/" Came, Came, Came o/" Came... 

o/" They'd be between my legs all night o/" They filled me up and left me
drooling o/" I'd have only one and be alright o/" They don't make men like
that nowadays 

o/" But still I dream I'll find a gent o/" Who'll make me moan, my lush
lips parted o/" I just need one who'll leave me spent o/" Who won't be
done before we've started 

o/" I always dreamed my life would be o/" So much different from this hell
I'm living o/" All I ask for is to be reamed o/" But life has killed o/"
That dream I dreamed 

The women in the audience applauded wildly as the lights came back on,
some dabbing away tears as they clapped. The men, predictably, were too
busy stanching their nosebleeds to do much clapping. 

Jack blinked audibly and turned to Morrigan. "Wow...that
was...impressive." 

"Why Jack, are you going soft on me?" said Morrigan, laughing lightly. 

Jack blinked, shook his head, and quickly regained his composure. "Oh no,
'course not. Perish the thought. I still think you're a dirty
crackwhore...but maybe you're not such a bad dirty crackwhore," he said,
flashing a wide grin. 

Morrigan rolled her eyes. "Oh, be still my heart. I don't think I can
handle such flattery," she said, clutching her hands to her chest (which
caused many of the guys, just barely conscious from the song, to pass out
as their nosebleeds exploded.) 

"Yeah, yeah, get your ass back in that chair. We got a show to run, you
know." 

Sticking out her tongue at Jack, Morrigan turned and walked back to her
seat, hips swaying provocatively. Those few men left standing promptly
joined their brothers on the floor. 

"Anyway, folks, now that our little musical interlude is over," Jack said
smoothly, ignoring a rude noise from Morrigan, "let's meet our three
eligible bachelors. Bachelor Number One had it all: fame, fortune, good
looks, a successful music career, and hordes of beautiful groupies trying
to get in his pants. He gave up the music career, but he still has all the
other stuff, the lucky bastard...give him a big hand!" 

The women in the crowd squealed with delight as the man walked on stage,
smiling and winking and blowing kisses to the audience. After a few
seconds of working the audience, the man sat down on his stool, pulling
out a small mirror and adjusting hair. 

"Bachelor Number Two..." Jack paused, peering at the bio for #2. After a
moment, he looked back up at the audience, grinning. "Well paint me purple
and call me an aardvark, folks. Our next guest is a kamen who isn't a
pedophile. How's that for one in a million? Give it up for him!" 

Bachelor #2 walked slowly onto the stage, waving shyly at the audience
(and blushing severely at the whistles he was getting.) Nodding to the
audience, he took his seat and began intently studying the floor. 

"And our third and final contestant...umm...well, he's a near omnipotent
conceptual entity. That about says it all, I think. Put your hands
together for Bachelor Number Three!" 

The crowd fell silent, in shock and awe, as the huge man floated slowly
out from the back. Barely acknowledging the audience, he slowly moved over
to his stool. After a moment of where he appeared to be staring at it, he
moved his arm slightly, causing to stool to grow to accommodate his size. 

"Well, he certainly knows how to make an entrance," muttered Jack.
Regaining his cool, he looked back up at the three contestants. "Why don't
we have each of you say hi to Morrigan?" 

"Hello, sweet lady," #1 said smoothly, causing many females in the
audience to swoon and sigh. 

"Hey Morrigan," said #2, glaring slightly at #1, who was still flirting
with members of the audience. 

"HELLO MORRIGAN," said #3 in a voice that was not so much loud as it was
simply powerful. 

"Hi boys. I really hope that one of you can give me what I need," she said
mischievously, eliciting hoots and whoops from the crowd. 

"Well, on that wholesome note, let's get started with the questions," said
Jack, spinning on his heel back towards Morrigan. "You ready to start?" 

Morrigan licked her lips slowly, playing to the audience. "I'm always
ready," she said, winking at the crowd. As they laughed, she looked down
at the note cards in her hand. "Okay, first question's a fairly simple
one. What do you think is your best characteristic?" 

"That's easy," chuckled #1, brushing his hair back out of his eyes. "A tie
between my face and my voice. Both are things of true beauty." 

"My humility," said #2, shooting a look at #1. "I have other good
qualities, but I try not to get so full of myself that I become an
annoying, arrogant bastard. Nobody likes an egomaniac." 

"Ooh, he just told you to sit down, #1," said Jack, laughing hard. #1
scowled, glaring at #2. "And how about you, #3?" 

"MY ENORMOUS SHLONG." 

The crowd, the crew, the other two contestants, and Jack facefaulted.
Hard. Morrigan, meanwhile, pursed her lips, looking intrigued and amused. 

"Your...WHAT!?" Jack finally managed to spit out. 

"MY TITANIC MAN-SAUSAGE. WHAT, YOU EXPECTED ME TO SAY 'MY EYES, WHICH ARE
A WINDOW INTO MY SOUL' OR SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT?" 

"Ooh-kay..." said Jack, chuckling nervously. "Whatever floats your boat.
Morrigan, are you ready to ask the next question?" 

Morrigan looked thoughtful for a moment. "Okay, this one's for Bachelor
#2...I come home from a stressful day worn out and depressed. How do you
cheer me up?" 

"Well...first, I guess, I'd draw a nice hot bath for you, and while you
were relaxing there I'd go out, pick up some food, and then we could have
a nice, quiet dinner. After that...well, I suppose we just kick back,
maybe watch a movie, let the stress drain off." 

Morrigan nodded as several women in the audience "aww"d. "Same question to
you, #1." 

"Well my friend over here has the right idea, but I'm afraid he simply
doesn't know how to treat a woman," he said, smirking. #2 shook his head
in disgust. "It's not his fault; some of us the have the touch. As soon as
you got home, I'd carry you into the bedroom, help you get your clothes
off, and give you a slow, sensual full body massage, maybe using some
scented oils or incense to relax you. After working away the tension, I'd
turn down the lights, light some candles, and *cook* us a nice meal.
Take-out just so cheap and unsophisticated..." 

#2 muttered something uncomplimentary under his breath that probably
wouldn't have made it past the network censors (who were already having
coronaries regarding this particular episode). 

Ignoring that, #1 continued. "After dinner, maybe I'd turn on some music,
something slow and soft...and, well, I'd let things progress from there,"
he said smoothly, a sly smile on his face that sent hearts fluttering in
the audience. 

Morrigan chuckled lightly and looked down at her note cards again.
"Bachelor #3...I am a bit of a wild girl, and I sometimes get myself and
my date into trouble when we're out. Because of that, I want a man who can
take care of himself. Are you that kind of man?" 

"I AM AN ALL-POWERFUL COSMIC BEING. ANYONE WHO BOTHERS ME - OR YOU - WHILE
WE'RE OUT WILL HAVE A MOON SHOVED UP THEIR ASS," #3 said, pounding his
fist into his hand for emphasis. 

"That would probably hurt in the morning," said Jack, chuckling. "And now
it's time for the final question...Morrigan, when you're ready." 

"Okay boys," Morrigan said, her tone serious. "This is the big question.
It's deep, it's meaningful, and it'll ask you to look deep into your souls
for an answer." 

The audience held its collective breath, wondering what Morrigan could ask
that could have such significance. 

"What fruit are you most like, and why?" 

As the building shook with the force of a massive collective facefault,
the audience was left still wondering. 

Jack rolled his eyes slightly. "Well, it's not exactly 'Man is a rope
stretched over an infinite chasm.', but I'm sure Nietzsche would be proud
nonetheless. #1, I suppose you answer first." 

#1 chuckled lightly, again flicking the hair away from his face. "That, my
dear lady, is an easy one. I am most like the passion fruit." He gave the
crowd an wink and a mischievous grin. "For obvious reasons." 

As the females in the audience looked at #1 with little hearts in their
eyes, #2 shook his head. "I guess I'm most like an apple. Solid all
around, sweet on the inside. What you see is what you get. I don't make
any pretensions, I don't put on an act," he said, smirking, giving #1 an
over-acted glance. "I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses, and I lay
'em all out for people to judge. I may not be the most tasty, but you at
least know I'm not all rotted out on the inside." 

This time the women in the audience gave #2 doe eyes. And the men, who had
been quietly simmering as #1 flirted with the females in the audience,
cheered loudly for him. 

Morrigan smiled at the reaction from the crowd. "And #3?" 

"I'LL SAY I'M MOST LIKE A BANANA, BECAUSE I'M SECURE ENOUGH IN MY
MASCULINITY AND POTENCY NOT TO CARE ABOUT THE OBVIOUS PHALLIC IMAGERY OF
THAT CHOICE." 

The crowd went silent for a moment, and then the men jumped out of their
seats and gave #3 a standing ovation, whooping and hollering and doing
that Arsenio Hall fist-pump-dog-woof thingee. Even Morrigan and Jack were
chuckling and clapping. 

"Well, on that unique note, let's cut to commercial while Morrigan decides
who she thinks her dream guy is," Jack said, smiling for the camera. 

"We have a sponsor?" hissed the associate producer, confused and a little
suspicious. "It better not be like last week, or else..." 

"Nono, nothing like that," assured Jack, making placating motions with his
hands. "This is a large, established, reputable company. No embarrassments
here." 

The associate producer sighed. "What the hell, roll the commercial." 

************ [SCENE: The blackness of space. The theme from 2001: A Space
Odyssey plays as rays of light slowly start to rise from the horizon.] 

VOICE: In the beginning, God said "Let there be light." 

[The rays of light grow brighter and brighter, illuminating the universe
as far as the eye can see.] 

VOICE: And there was light. And it was good. 

[Time quickly advances as we see the Earth form and develop.] 

VOICE: And then God said, "No, no, BUD Lite!" 

[Cut to the Earth, where a large group of primitive monkeys are bounding
around the rocky landscape, fighting with one another. Suddenly, a
towering brown object, covered with drops of water, hurtled down the
ground and landed with a crash. After scattering and hiding for a moment,
the monkeys approached the large object and stared up at it. It is a huge
bottle of Bud Lite.] 

VOICE: And three billion years later, there was Bud. And it was good. 

[The monkeys group together and push the bottle over, breaking it and
spilling the contents onto the ground. In a frenzy, the surround the
frothy brew and drink it up before it vanishes. After a moment, one of the
monkeys turns toward the camera.] 

MONKEY: Bud Lite. Because drunkenness is next to godliness. 

GOD: [booming voice] True 'dat, yo. 

************ 

"Why me?" muttered the associate producer, downing a handful of aspirin
tablets. 

"And we're back, boys and girls, and it's the moment of truth!" said Jack,
ignoring the associate producers' moans of despair. "Who will Morrigan
pick to spend what promises to be a wild night out with her? Will it
be..." 

"Bachelor #3," said Morrigan absently, leaning back in her chair. 

"..." said the audience, surprised for a moment. They quickly started
cheering, though, as #3 stood up and took a deep bow. 

"Well, that was anticlimactic," muttered Jack, shooting a glare at
Morrigan before turning back to the audience, smile back on his face.
"Well, folks, let's meet the two contestants Morrigan didn't pick.
Bachelor #1 is a former Bishounen Foy. From H!flash, he's Kizuna!" 

A mix of cheers and boos (divided by gender) greeted Kizuna as he walked
up to Morrigan, eyes widening slightly when he first got a look at her.
Regaining his cool, he reached over, took her hand, and kissed it lightly.
"It's a shame that I won't have the chance to get to know a beautiful
woman such as yourself better," he said smoothly, putting on his most
winning smile. 

Morrigan just shrugged and gently pulled her hand back. "Sorry, but I've
never really been one of those women who liked flowery-talking bishounen.
They all have pathetically small penises, and most couldn't get a woman
off with a box full of sex toys and an instruction manual." 

The crowd "ooh"d loudly as Kizuna flinched badly. Trying to regain his
composure, he shook his head gently. "I'm afraid you're mistaken. While
I'm not huge, I am FAR from small." 

Morrigan just laughed, a wicked grin on her face. "I'm a succubus, dear. I
KNOW these things. I can tell how big you are...inch worm." 

The crowd (and the other two contestants) doubled over laughing as Kizuna
turned bright red. "Oh, man, she just made you her bitch and made you like
it!" yelled Jack between rolls of laughter. 

"I don't have to stand for this," sputtered Kizuna as he stormed off
stage, the roar of laughter trailing after him. 

After the audience calmed down, Jack resumed talking. "Now, let's meet
Bachelor #2. He's a Knight Protector from Starburst Crystal. Put your
hands together for Kyouji!" 

This time, both the males and females cheered as Kyouji waved, walking
towards Morrigan. Morrigan smiled, got up from her seat, and gave him a
quick hug. "My not picking you isn't a slight against you; if I was
looking for a guy to settle down with, I'd have picked you in a second.
Unfortunately..." 

Kyouji chuckled nervously, running the back of his neck. "I understand I'm
not exactly your type. It was fun anyway though." Reaching into his cape,
he pulled out a bunch of poppies and handed them to Morrigan. "I hope that
guy back there can help you with your dream." 

As the crowd "Aww"d, Morrigan brought the poppies up to her face and took
a deep whiff. She immediately collapsed to the floor, asleep, and was
carried off by a swarm of flying monkeys. 

Well, actually she took a deep whiff and gave Kyouji a big smile. "Thank
you, they're beautiful," she said, genuinely happy. 

Kyouji shrugged, grinning slightly. "Don't worry about it, it was
noth-MMPH!" 

Kyouji's attempt at humility was abruptly cut off as Morrigan grabbed him
and pulled him in for a deep, long, passionate kiss. Kyouji froze for a
moment, but quickly melted into it as the crowd hooted and cheered, even
chanting his name for a short while. 

After almost two minutes, Morrigan broke the kiss, a sly smirk on her
face. "Not bad...not bad at all," she said, lightly tracing her finger
down the stunned kamen's chest. "You're gonna make some girl very happy
someday." 

"Hommina hommina hommina hommina..." 

"Kyouji no baka!" yelled a girl in the audience, dressed in a jacket and
short skirt and hefting a nasty looking warhammer. 

Kyouji quickly snapped back to reality when he heard that voice, and
slowly turned around, panic in his eyes. As the girl marched her way
towards the stage, Kyouji quickly turned back to Morrigan.
"SorryIhavetogoshe'sgonnakillmepleasuremeetingyoubyebye!" he said as he
ran off, leaving a cloud of smoke behind him as the girl chased him,
hammer raised over her head. 

"Ain't young love grand?" said Jack, eliciting a snicker from Morrigan. 

"And now, the moment we've all been waiting for...our winner tonight! He
hails from Magical Girl Hunters, and he is the living embodiment of all
that is structured and organized in the universe. He is ORDER!!!" 

"ORDER IN THE HIZZOUSE!" yelled Order, raising the roof. 

The crowd cheered, laughing at the same time as being in awe, as Order
floated towards Morrigan. He was dressed in tight leather pants, an open
vest showing his rippling muscles, and a lime green pimp hat with a
feather in it that floated just above the five stars that made up his
head. 

"Ooh, you're so big and strong-looking!" squealed Morrigan in delight,
cuddling up to his chest. "One thing I've got to know, though," she said
as she started whispering in his ear. After listening, Order raised his
hands and held them about a foot and a half apart. 

Morrigan's eyes twinkled at this, and she began giggling like a
schoolgirl. "That's wonderful! And actually...that gives me an idea," she
purred, leaning up to whisper in his ear again (and nibbling on the ear as
she did.) 

After a few moments, Order stepped back and looked at her as the five
stars that made up his head all seemed to do something resembling
blinking. "WHAT YOU PROPOSE GOES AGAINST THE LAWS OF NATURE, THE LAWS OF
GRAVITY, NEWTON'S THIRD LAW OF MOTION, EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF RELATIVITY,
DARWIN'S THEORY OF EVOLUTION, MURPHY'S LAW, THE PAULY PRINCIPLE, THE LAW
OF THE WEST, THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE, MOST MAJOR RELIGIONS, PRETTY MUCH ALL
THE MINOR ONES, AND IS PROHIBITED IN NO LESS THAN THIRTY SEPARATE
INTERNATIONAL TREATIES. IT IS AN AFFRONT TO ALL THAT I REPRESENT. 

"So you're in?" 

"DAMN SKIPPY." 

With that, Morrigan looped her arm around Order's, and the two walked off
stage, leaving the audience to imagine what they had planned. 

"Well, folks," said Jack, still a little shaken, "it looks like Morrigan
might just have found the guy she was looking for. We've sent them off
to...well, it's a love motel with a whole lot of fresh sets of sheets, so
it should be just fine for them. Tune in next week, censors permitting, to
find out what happened, and to meet our next contestants on Improdating
Game. G'night!" 

************ 

Authors Notes: 

Dear god was this hard to write. I swear, writing Ultra was easier for me
than writing this. I had writers block up the wazoo with this, and coupled
with the fact that I work full time and am just about to leave to go back
to college, things have been rather hectic for me. 

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this. It's not my finest work, and I think
it's kind of hit and miss at times, but I do think it's pretty decent.
Hope you agree. 

Thanks to Illyria for pre-reading, pointing out my blatent grammer
mistakes and slight overuse of foul language. I meant to do a bit of an
overhaul on the Itami-Yuki scene, since Illy correctly (I think) pointed
out that it is kind of jarring, but time constraints forced me to just
make a few minor changes to tone it down. Hopefully that worked out. 

Thanks also go to Phoebe for being patient while I tried to work through
my writers block, and for listening to me bitch and moan about how hard
this was to write. Truly, the lady doth have the patience of something
that has a lot of patience. 

Anyhoo, C&C is welcome. Feel free to lemme knoww what you thought over
chat, over the MB, or over e-mail. I'm actually leaving for Cornell
in...nine hours, so I might be offline for a little while while I'm
getting moved in. Anyhoo, if you wanna e-mail me, send it to
je34@cornell.edu. 

Jesse Ellman