"No, Jack."

	"Aww, give her... erm, him a chan-"

	"No, Jack."

	"It would really get me out of a tight spot, Sis, and-"

	"No, Jack."

	"Do you mind if I borrow your Visa?"

	"Yes, and put it back in my purse."

	"Damn.  Look, Anne, we're still hurting for sponsors here, and the
ratings could use a boost.  Every point we can get makes it all the more
likely I'll get back Mr. Duck."

	The ever-put-upon woman turned, sighing.  "And?"

	"And what better to draw in the rating points than a HOT CLIP of
you and
the blonde girl from last wGURK."

	Anne retrieved the jar of facial powder she'd bonked Jack over the head
with and continued as if nothing had happened.  She had a show to get ready
for, after all.

	"You're not really going to host, are you?"

	"Well, since you just now decided to show up, five minutes before
airtime... that's the plan, yes.  We've got the schedule all worked out,
I've been practicing with hitting my marks on-stage... it's a lot more
complicated than I expected, but I think I've got the hang of it."

	"Then what are you going to do with no second contestant?"

	Anne turned to him, confused.  "What?"

	Jack grinned.  "Well, a little bird seems to have told me that there
won't be anyone around to pick from the bachelor line-up for tonight's show.
But if you just give me back the reins, I'm sure I can find a filler by that
part of the show and why are you looking at me like that?"

	"What did you do to the girl, Jack?" Anne sighed.

	"Did *I* do something to an innocent contestant?  Whatever would give
you that idea, dear sister?"

	*  *  *  *  *

	In a dumpster behind the Impro DatingGame soundstage, a figure
struggled against her bonds.  "Save me, Davin!" Marcine Cavanaugh squealed, in the
fine tradition of RPG heroines everywhere.

	*  *  *  *  *

	"...Right."  Anne rolled her eyes.  "You have a master plan, and
since I don't particuarly care one way or the other about this little show of yours
enough to come between you and it, I'm just going to get out of the way
before I end up in jail.  Or dead.  Or with pink hair, like that time at Sun
Valle-"

	"Hey, I said I was sorry.  Of course I didn't MEAN it, I was six and it
was pretty damn funny."

	"Ms. Lysias?  It's time for the show, and... oh God, he's back.
Dang, I just lost five bucks."

	Anne turned to Jack and favored him with a 'be good, PLEASE be good'
expression.  "I've gotta open the show.  Damned sense of responsibilty.  Get
your girl on the phone, and then I'll turn it over to you for the bachelors
lineup.  Just don't make me step off my mark, it takes me forever to find."

	"Right, right," Jack absently agreed as Anne left.  He picked up the
reciever and punched in the numbers, tapping his foot on the cheap linolium.
"Hey, it's me!  Who's around?  ...Dang, they are?  Yes, I know he already
took off... that's what I was calling about.  I need another one of you for
tonight and... well, do you want to come?  Just have Karin watch the room,
that seems to be what she's best at."  Jack rattled off the address for the
show, then hung up and giggled.  He was a genius.

	Such a shame geniuses were never recognized in their own time, he
thought sorrowfully.  Well.  He'd rectify that soon enough.



		     Working Title Fanfiction
		   Presents The ImproDating Game
	  	  Created by Delfina and Stephica
	Episode #5:  Give the Audience What They Want 
                 Written by Kristen Smirnov



"Hello, folks, and welcome to the Impro DatingGame!" Anne smiled as the
audience cheered, then was forced to look down at the floor as she sought her
mark. "We have a great show for you tonight, and-" 

"But that's not to say that we don't have a great show for you EVERY SINGLE
WEEK, right folks?" Jack revelled in the fans' cheers as he burst onto the
stage, waving to them all. "Are you ready for some hot dating action? Are you
ready for a half-hour of pure entertainment? Are you ready for some football?"

"You're projecting again, Jack." 

"Hey, it's not my fault ABC was dumb enough to pick Dennis Miller instead of
me. Hey, did I tell you the one about when the Dolphins met some tuna
fishermen and-" 

Anne turned to the audience and smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry you're
getting this glimpse into my everyday life, folks. It's not pretty, is it?" 

Gleefully ignoring the insult, Jack countered, "Well, your bland existance may
not be pretty, sis, but you could sure use that word to describe last week's
pick! Let's see all the HORNY, LEWD, EXPLICT details of what went down between
Marlo Semaj and Gaina!" 

* * * * * 

A tall, voluptuous redhead walked down the halls of the Ultradome, swinging
her hips from side to side (and threatening to make the tiny pieces of her
armor fall off as she did so). She patted her bastard sword in a show of
approval. 

"Bobbitt," Gaina grinned, "you live up to your name SPLENDIDLY." 

* * * * * 

"..." commented Jack as he crossed his legs. Great, now the kid would be
overcompensating even more. In the back of his mind, he wondered just how long
Marlo had taken to incur Gaina's wrath. Maybe even... minutes. 

"Anyways! Let's move right along before even more males watching this at home
change the channel! You don't mind if I take things from here, do you, Sis?" 

"Be my guest," she assured him, leaning against the divider that would
seperate contestants and choices. 

Jack straightened his tie, grinned at the camera, and welcomed, "A high school
student and interdimensional voyager - and voyeur - he'll be selecting from
our bachelorettes. Please welcome our lucky contestant, Henchi Hakuchi!" 

A teenage boy with spikey black hair (though his spikes trembled in the
prescene of the master's) walked onto the stage, laughing weakly. "Uh, yeah,
look, there's something I need to talk to you abou-" 

Not one to let a silly thing like a contestant's problems interfere with the
show, Jack whipped out his clipboard and a pen he'd borrowed from his last
trip to the post office. (He'd take it back the next time, honest.) "Just have
to verify something. Nami's dead, right?" 

Henchi's eyes opened to the size of Misato's breasts on his collectible Neon
Genesis Evangelemon poster, collect all four! "She's WHAT?" 

"Okay, looks like we have the H!flash Henchi here. Don't worry kid, she's
still alive, kicking, and embarassed to have you for a brother." Jack marked
something on his clipboard, and motioned Henchi towards his seat. "Let's bring
in the chic-" 

"That's what I was trying to tell you," Henchi said softly, flashing his gaze
around the heart-covered set. "I'm trying to stay away from women." 

Jack blinked at him for a second, then said loudly, "Come ON, that's not what
the audience wants to hear, is it? Doesn't that sound like an absolute
snooze-fest?" 

The audience's boos said that no, that wasn't at all what they wanted to see
and yes, it did sound like a rather effective sleep aid. 

"Do you want to hear that Henchi is going to ask these sexy ladies some
incredibly personal questions so they can expose their kinks to our entire
viewing audience? Hopefully ones involving summer squash?" 

Yes!, said the audience. No!, said Henchi. Summer squash?, asked the assistant
producer. 

"Well, then, it looks like we have our answer! Get to your seat, Henchi, we
have a show to run!" 

Grumbling, Henchi sat. At least, he rationalized, he could just pick someone
who he could ditch in a hurry. 

Jack cleared his throat, happy to have his show back in its usual groove. He
moved to his spot to intro the girls, only to be glared at by Anne. "Fine,
fine. I'll stand by Mr. H there. Just ruin my rythym, why don't you?" Taking
his position next to Henchi, he continued, "Okay... she's a high school
student, too, and comes from a (wink wink) picture-perfect family... please
welcome Bachelorette #1!" 

The girl in question walked quietly to her seat, only favoring the audience
with a quick smile once she'd taken her seat. Jack waited for any amazingly
entertaining surprises the girl might have; after a second, he shrugged and
continued. "An officer and a gentlewomen-" Jack made a mental note to kick the
writers in their respective rumps, and continued, "-and a force to be reckoned
with on the battlefield, please welcome Bachelorette #2!" 

The elegant woman made her way across the stage, looking rather disgusted at
the catcalls she was receiving. Men being what they were, this only prompted
more lewd suggestions from the boys in the front row, and #2 glared at them
all. 

Jack grinned like a madman at the crowd's decibel level, then looked down at
his last card. "When she's not dealing with clashes between good and evil,
she's... hanging around sex-swappers... um." Jack looked at the bottom of the
card and blanched at the name there. He turned to the associate producer and
hissed at her, "We can't have HER on the show! Sure, I dressed her up as a
Playboy Bunny, but having her answer the questions THIS guy is bound to ask
would be... just... ew!" 

The associate producer simply moved her hand in a squeaking motion, then
brought her hand into a fist. Jack blanched. "Right, then! Let's welcome
Bachelorette #3!" 

A conservitively-dressed young woman made her way to her seat, drawing a few
cheers from the men, and quite a lot more from the women. The contestants this
time through seemed very normal compared to the other females seen on the
show. 

Henchi seemed to have picked up on that feeling, and his expression was now an
easy grin. Maybe this would be fun, after all... there was no harm in just
hanging around with a nice, normal girl, right? Jack prompted him to ask the
first question, and he did so. "Hi there, #1... um... what's the most
important quality for a guy you're dating to have?" 

Jack rolled his eyes. 

#1 pondered this for a moment, then quietly replied, "He has to be able to
support me when I make a stupid, stupid, STUPID mistake." 

"... Um. Okay," Henchi hesitantly replied, tugging at his collar. "Right,
then. #2, what would your man do if you ran into trouble on the date?" 

There was a short pause, then #2 crisply replied, "I'd expect him to stay out
of the way as I broke the left tibia of whoever threatened me." 

Henchi shifted uncomfortably, looking over at Jack. "What?" the host snorted
back at him. "Can't handle a strong woman?" 

"Hey, that's not it! Strong and scary are two very different things!" 

"Unless you're Shermie, in which case you're both wrapped up into one
Daisuke-luvin' package! In case you two are watching, by the way... Shermie,
he doesn't mean it when he says, 'Oh God, stop the hurting!'" 

Anne stared at him. "You are a freak, Jack." 

"Thanks!" Gleefully ignoring the fact that he'd just set someone up for some
serious bouts of pain, Jack prompted Henchi to continue. 

"Oh, uh, yeah. #3, what would you think of a guy who took you out for the
typical dinner and a movie?" 

There was a short pause, then the girl thoughtfully replied, "I'd think he was
unsure of himself, but still wanted to show his date a good time. He was
considerate, and getting more comfortable around her would certainly come with
time!" 

The audience 'awww'd. Henchi smiled. Jack gagged. "Erm, skip the yellow
cards," the spikey-haired host suggested. "They're no good. Try the green
ones." 

Henchi shuffled through the questions, bringing one of the mint green cards to
the forefront. He read the words out loud, squirming in his seat as he did so.
"For all three of you: handcuffs, whipped cream, or a riding crop?" No, he
reminded himself. Stay good, Henchi, stay good! 

As the audience hooted and hollered, the three bachelorettes considered the
questions. #1 replied, "Handcuffs. To lock up the people making voices in my
head." 

Jack sweatdropped. "Is One off her meds or something?" 

Anne checked her notes. "Actually, yes." 

"Fab." 

#2 wasted no time in replying, "A riding crop. Men are like horses, and they
need to be broken. An obedient stallion will simply tremble in anticipation of
being ridden when a hand is laid on his flank." 

The men in the audience stared at the crisp pronouncement that had come from
the sexy femme, then let out a roar of approval. If they were wrestling fans,
they would have been waving signs; actually, the Ultra watchers who were at
the taping were doing just that. 

Breaking into the noise, #2 continued, with her first smile of the evening,
"And if a man won't be broken, then he'll be gelded." Okay, so it was a small,
dry-humored smile. 

The female audience members whooped. The males decided that maybe she wasn't
their favorite contestant, after all. 

Having dutifully waited her turn, #3 replied, "Whipped cream. I love to bake,
after all!" She smiled, and the audience 'aww'd. Jack smirked. There was just
no changing some people. 

"And it goes great with flavored body oils, especially strawberry!" 

"..." commented Jack as he stared at the screen seperating Henchi from the
women. Well, that was unexpected. 

Henchi swallowed, trying very very hard to banish improper thoughts from his
head. Improper in as much as they were exactly right for a teenaged boy to be
having, and were thus the kind of things that had landed him in trouble. Think
about baseball, he decided. Or video games. Looking at the next card, he
blinked. "Which fighting game female are you most like, and why?" 

"That one's for you!" Jack winked at him. 

"Gee, thanks. Um, that's for all of you." 

"I like bunnies," #1 replied. 

"...okay," Henchi noted, crossing something off on his card. 

"I don't play games. They're childish wastes of time, suitable only for
fools," #2 rattled off. 

"SGG'KNOTH K'ZLITH NGTHARTHE! CTHULHU! CTHULHU!" 

"And thank you again, #1," Henchi sweatdropped, crossing out the same line on
his card a few dozen more times. 

"And Lovecraftian chanting makes it into another venue, folks! Let's give
predictability a hand!" Folding his arms, Jack waited for the last response.
Sakura, probably. Or Cham Cham. Chun Li, maybe... some cute, friendly girl who
was always sm- 

"Sofia!" 

Jack picked himself up off the floor as Henchi tried to clear the fog from his
vision. "Sofia?!" he repeated in disbelief. 

"Sofia..." Henchi drooled, only to shake himself out of it after a couple of
seconds of dazed staring. 

"Well, looks like it's time to make your choice, kid. Which'll it be?" 

Henchi looked up at Jack, wide-eyed. "Well, #2 is scary. #1 is scarier." 

"So, you've selected our third lovely la-" 

"No! I told you, I'm trying to stay away from women, even though she's making
it really unbelievably hard!" 

Taking note of the sligtly wild expression that had come into Henchi's eyes,
Jack nodded. He knew just how to handle this. And entertaining as a riot might
be, there was still the second segment, and, more importantly, Mr. Duck to
worry about. He was a controversial man, but a controversial man who'd become
intimately familiar with the workings of television shows over the past year.
"Look. Trust me, kid. Three's just fine and dandy. The hottest part of your
first date would be when she took the cookies out of the oven." 

"O...kay," Henchi drawled uncertainly. "Then I'll go for her!" 

"And what a total shocker that is. The second grouping will be more
interesting, folks, I promise on my magenta power tie. Anyways, let's bring
out the ladies you think you're too sad a man to handle! Number One hails from
Heart Heart High... let's hear it for Asako and drug-dependant personality
fixes!" 

The attractive but currently wild-eyed girl was lead out by Anne, staring at
everyone. She looked down at Henchi and cocked her head to one side. "My name
is Bobbin. Are you my mother?" 

"Let's get that kid back to Betty Ford, or at least back to her series where
she never needs to go off the bottle. See you later, Sis!" Jack followed his
cheery farewell with a muttered, "ifyoucaneverfindmeagainHAHAHA fatchance." 

Anne favored Jack with a flat glance. "I heard that." She then guided Asako
off-stage. 

"Contestant number two is from the same studio as this show... from Dogfighter
Gospel, let's hear it for Nadia Kournikova and blatant plugging!" 

Nadia strode out from behind the divider, swaying her hips in a manner just
casual enough not to look calculated. Henchi drooled despite himself at her
striking features. "Well, thank you for having me," she crisply recited.
"Now... I'll take the money from my appearance and buy several crates of
vodka! Jello shots for all!" 

"Yeah!" came three cheers from backstage. 

Her cool mask instantly sliding back into place, Nadia walked off without a
word to Henchi. Jack watched her go, then turned back to the camera. "I knew
it was all an act. Every woman deep in her heart wants to get drunk at a wild
party and have a man carry her ass-backwards out the door." He paused and
considered his statement. "Well, except maybe for the girl you picked. Coming
at you from her former engagement on MTCFF Ultra, let's hear it for Kasumi
Tend-" 

"JACK!" came the yell from backstage. 

He turned and blinked at the assistant producer, who was poking her head out
onto stage and blushing at the catcalls from the male audience members. "What,
what, what?" 

"Did you even READ the cards?!" 

"..." Taking the hint, Jack looked back at the last card in his hand and did a
double-take. "Wow, serves you right for trusting me, kid! Coming at you from
her former engagement on Magical Girl Hunters, Kasumi..." 

The slightly plump blonde girl walked out and met Henchi's gaze. He smiled at
her. She smiled at him. 

"...who is otherwise known as SAILOR H!" 

The janitors watching backstage groaned as they saw yet another weekly mess in
the nosebleed section instantly erupt. Then they stopped groaning and added to
the mess themselves as they watched the slow-motion replay of the
transformation sequence. 

"Guh," Henchi said as he stared at H's vinyl halter top. 

"Hi there," she purred as she twined her bullwhip between her fingers. 

"Guh," Henchi said as he stared at her leather hot pants. 

"But he's staying away from women, so it looks like your date might be cut
short, since you s-" 

"Shut up, Jack," Henchi ordered as H nuzzled his neck. Backstage, the censor
slammed her head against her desk and wondered why they couldn't get bigger
blue dots. 

"...Woah," Jack commented as he stared at the scene before him. It would seem
that Henchi's spine was about as strong as his own conscience. "Um. Well, I
think you're getting a sneak peek of next week's tape, folks, and can we
please go to commercial because DAMN I need a cold drink." 

* * * * * 

So you think you're smart. 

So you think you're funny. 

So you think that you want to be a millionaire. 

Well, WE think that you should consider playing a REAL game show. 

Forsooth... 

Sit down... 

Shut thy mouth... 

And play the most honored and revered of all the game shows currently
exhibited on your home television sets! It's time for you to WIN BEASTMASTER
STINE'S MONEY! 

Or try to, thee of the confected posterior. 

* * * * * 

Jack blinked up at the camera, dripping cold water off his nose where he'd
splashed himself with a convenient glass. "Okay! We've got a crowd-pleaser for
you tonight, because coming straight-" he paused to laugh, "-at you from the
most popular team on the most popular show on television is our next
contestant! So now, to choose from our three bachelors-" 

"BACHELORS?!" 

Jack turned to grin maniacally at the voice from backstage, then continued at
a half-giggle, "James of Team Rocket!" 

The contestant in question stormed out from backstage, glaring mightily at
Jack. "What are you DOING?" he squealed indignantly. 

"Well..." Jack offered for an explanation as he shuffled through his cards. 

James processed that for a moment, then scowled. "I am NOT a floof!" 

"...You just flicked your wrist," Jack replied. 

The trainer blinked down at his hand for a second, then forced it to his side
with his other arm. "Did not." 

"Whatever. Whenever he's not working on his grades, he's working on his
looks... please welcome Bachelor #1!" Jack shook his head, and reminded
himself to kill the writers. 

A typically bishounen contestant made his entrance to a typical amount of
cheers after his typical entrance. Jack nodded, satisfied, only to find that
he was short one contestant. "Dammit, security!" 

As two security personnel brought back in a struggling James, Jack
straightened his tie and continued. "And from the other side of the
educational fence, we have a school faculty member... please welcome Bachelor
#2!" 

A broadly grinning man made his way to his seat, waving at the audience. They
just stared. 

Jack shuffled to the next card, only to see movement out of the corner of his
eye. The spikey-haired host spun on his heel and stormed over to the
contestants' area, slamming James back into his seat before he had another
chance to sneak off. "Show's not over yet. Now be a good little cash cow, and
draw in those rating points that'll get me back Mr. Duck." 

James whimpered. As this was par for the course, Jack ignored him and
continued, "For our last man, please welcome a lover and a fighter, another
student, though of martial arts, not textbooks... Bachelor #3!" 

The young man jogged onto the stage, beaming at everyone. The audience cheered
his wholesome enthusiasm, increasing their volume as he tossed off a
showboating series of punches and kicks. 

"Now, if we can just get started...," Jack prompted, taking his foot off
James' where he'd stomped down on it. "And I can trust you to stay there like
a good little fighter whose contract I control, right?" 

"Ow!" James offered by means of a reply. 

"I'll take that as a yes. Here, we've got some question suggestions written
down on these cards. Wrote 'em special for you myself!" 

James flipped through them, a despondant look on his face. "Um, what... what
plant are you most like?" He looked up at Jack, who blinked down at the cards.

"Damn, I thought I picked out all those pansy ones. Eh, go ahead, answer
away." 

#1 paused for a moment, then slowly replied, "Well... I'd have to say a rose.
I do require some tending, but beauty is the reward of the work." 

Jack rolled his eyes, about to fire off a snarky comment, only to be
interrupted. "I know exactly what you mean," James said. Jack eyed him. 

#2 bellowed out a laugh. "No question dere! Palm tree, free 'n easy, blowing
in da wind!" 

James nodded again. "Well, that seems like a reasonable enough answer." 

#3 paused for a long moment, then finally said, "Well... um... I dunno, I
guess... that plant we've got in the CHAOS war room. I'm not sure what kind it
is, but it sticks around even though we never water it, and it's always in the
center of the action!" 

James looked at Jack suspiciously. Jack whistled a merry tune in the ceiling's
direction, the picture of innocence. "He sounds awfully... familiar," James
accused his manager and current tormentor. 

"No clue whatesoever you're talking about and read the next question, please!"

James grumbled, and flipped to the next card. "..." 

"Yeah, I'm pretty proud of that one, too!" 

James sobbed as he choked out the words, "If I were a damsel in distress and
you were my knight in shining armor, where would you choose to have our
honeymoon, where we'd have hot wild I am NOT reading this last part, Jack!" 

#1 paused for a long moment, then eked out, "And I'm glad you didn't read it.
Um. Paris, I suppose. Paris is always a good choice for romance, right?" 

Not letting James reply to #1, #2 cut in, "We'd head straight for da islands!
Sun on da beach!" 

James turned to Jack and smiled hopefully. "Neither of those sound too bad...
I was worried you'd have me choosing from some real nutcases!" 

"And den da wahines bring us da little umbrella drinks!" 

"Actually, that sounds kind of fun!" James beamed, his taste for the finer
things in life cutting in over his previous embarassment. 

"And den I be giving you da buzz cut, bro!" 

"...DAMMIT, JAMES, GET BACK HERE!" 

As the burly security guards made their second appearance of the evening, Jack
whipped out several coils of rope. "This is for your own good, James," he
assured him as he tied the trainer to his chair. 

"How?!" 

"Because I'm getting irritated with you, and you don't want me irritated with
you. I'd be worse than Jessie on PMS, trust me." 

James took a moment to get that image in his head, then brightly asked, "So,
#3, what's your answer?" 

"Um, I don't know... Karin always talks about going away to a nice quiet
hotels in the mountains. Oops, I probably shouldn't mention her, huh?" 

James turned to Jack again, eyes wide. "That's Shingo!" 

"...Is not," Jack replied. 

"But he knows about our room and he knows things that Karin has said and it's
HIM!" Struggling against his Jack-imposed bonds, James squealed, "Shingo! Get
me out of here! Jack's in one of his moods again!" 

"Look, kid, it's not Shingo!" Jack assured him. "Just because he knows tiny
details about CHAOS and sounds like Shingo and gives answers that he would
give... does that make him Shingo?" 

James pondered this for a second. "So... he sounds like Shingo, acts like
Shingo, knows things Shingo would, but you told me that it's NOT Shingo...
which means..." 

Jack prepared to vehemently dicount any accustions of him being a liar. He
needn't have bothered. 

"Since this person is trying to get a date with me... I HAVE A STALKER! AHHH!
AHHH! AHHH!" 

"Woah," Jack commented as he watched James try to gnaw through the ropes
holding him in his seat. "Uh, here, let me help you with that." 

"..." James thanked him as Jack strung a few lengths of heavy-gauge chains
around him. "..." he further thanked him as Jack snapped on padlocks at random
places on the links. The tradition continued as Jack held up the card and
prompted him to read the next question. 

"...Fine," Jack finally said. He cleared his throat and asked, "Okay, all you
fine hunks of maleness, listen up. If your mother was sitting on a train
headed west at 70 miles per hour - yeah, miles, take THAT, you Japanese show
producers - and Jimmy here was on one headed north at 110 miles per hour, how
long would it be before mommy dearest showed him a picture of you taking a
bath as a two year-old after the trains smashed together?" 

There was a momentary pause as all three contestants blinked at the divider,
trying to figure out whether Jack was serious or not. 

"And I can see we scraped the low end of the IQ pool tonight..." 

Okay, that apparently meant he was. There was a short pause as only the sound
of pencils scritching on paper was heard throughout the set. #3 was the first
to finish. "Well, sorry, I don't think I have an answer... it takes up too
much time learning about all the Gamma and Lambda opponents before our fights,
you know... I've just never studied math much." 

"STALKER!" James screamed before Jack gagged him. 

#1 paled at the outburst, even as the audience giggled madly. "Well, knowing
my mother, it'd be less than a minute. No, I'm not a momma's boy, but she
likes to think that I am." 

"Why da train? You gotta FLY to da islands, mon!" 

"...And thank you, #2. Okay, it doesn't look like it's safe yet to ungag the
contestant, so why don't you all just tell me why you REALLY TRULY want him to
pick you." 

"Erm," #1 replied. "Well, um, I really don't want to be picked. I came on here
because books cost so much and I needed the appearance fee. So, um, please
don't pick me? I thought a girl would be choosing." 

"Nothing like honesty to drive down the ratings! Thanks, kid, you're one in a
million." 

"I gonna use this to show him Hawaii and get him t'inking da same way I do
'bout it!" 

"You mean brainwashing." 

"Whooyeah!" 

"I like your style, #2. #3?" 

"You told me to, Jack. Um, and why is James the contestant?" 

"Hey, I called, Jessie and Sakura were out shopping." 

Pausing, Jack turned to James and assured him, "Stalker." James let out
another muffled scream. "Just like Shermie," he expanded. James wailed again. 

Jack giggled. "Well, it's time to make your selection! And yes, you do have to
make one!" 

There was a long stretch of dead airtime as James continued his wailing. Jack
tapped his foot impatiently. "Okay! Since I need to live up to my reputation
as an unfeeling bastard, James will be choosing #1! Too bad, kid, you
shouldn't have shown weakness. Now, let's see who wasn't stupid enough to say
they didn't want to be picked! Coming at you from Furinkan High and Lack of
Common Sensei, Principal Kunou!" 

The freakishly tanned man with a freakish little palm tree growing out of his
head paraded out from behind the divider. He stared at Jack. Jack stared back
at him. "What?" 

"You be needing a haircut, bro." 

"SECURITY!" Jack yelled at a pitch to match any of James' screams as Principal
Kunou lunged at his hair with a pair of running clippers. Several seconds
later he panted as the burly men dragged off the still-grinning administrator,
checking to make sure his spikes were all still in place. 

"Okay, straight from MTCFF Ultra... Shingo Yabuki!" 

The cheerful young brunette jogged over to the two, then paused as he saw
James' current state. Fear filled his eyes, and he looked up at Jack. "Okay!
The new terms for my contract sound really good! I'll go sign right now!" 

As Shingo ran off, Jack smiled, pleasantly surprised. A low muttering off to
the side caught his attention, and he turned to James. "Yes, it was Shingo.
Yes, I lied. Yes, you're an idiot. Okay! Now for our winner... formerly from
right here in town, but currently in the U.S. to further his education... from
Tuxedo America, Mamoru Chiba!" 

The former kamen, now student walked despondantly out, then stopped short in
his tracks. He eyed the desperately struggling James and the ties binding him,
then looked over at Jack. "I'm NOT into that." 

"Gimmee just a second, then!" Jack pulled James backstage, then returned a
moment later, lucky contestant in tow. A still-bound James glared up at both
him and Mamoru in turn, but the effect was softened somewhat by the adorable
red-and-white fuku he was now in. 

"Pretend he's 14!" Jack suggested as he tossed James over to Mamoru. 

"..." said Mamoru, his natural sense of chivalry having made him catch James.
He shifted his weight a few times, then made his way off-stage, blushing
furiously. 

"..." said James, glaring at Jack and muttering non-Religious-Right- approved
words through his gag as he was carried off. 

"And it looks like we're running over, folks, so it's time to say good night! 

* * * * * 

Author's Notes: Wow, that was hard. ^_^; Between losing days when I switched
machines and losing days when I was sick, I didn't have as much time as I
would've liked to have worked on this. I hit everything I wanted to, but
didn't make it as good as it could have been. I read this over myself (ran out
of time for prereading), but I wouldn't be surprised if I missed things. Whoo
medications! 

Thanks to Todd for the idea for the second segment and to the HHHit Squad for
the commercial suggestion. I took 'em and ran with them, thanks muchly, guys.
^_^ And yes, I gleefully mangled characterizations for the sake of comedy!
WHOO! 

And lastly... have fun, Shadra. ^_^ 

-Kristen Smirnov