"Let go of my leg, Jack." "PLEASE! You HAVE to let me see him! It's a matter of life and death!" "..what?" "Light and dark! Motion and inertia!" The assistant director facepalmed as Jack tried to come up with more reasons as to why he should be allowed to see Mr. Duck. None had convinced her so far. "... Pride and prejudice! Sense and sensibility! For the love of GOD, woman, it's been THREE DAYS! He must be so cold and lonely.. What if he gets mildew? Dear Lina, if--" "On in three..." Working Title Fiction "--he gets mildew--" Presents the Impro Dating Game "..two.." Created by Delfina and Stephica "--I swear by my Day-glo tie--" Episode #6: HOT PSEUDOYURI LUVLUV "..one.." Written by Sarah "Shadra D" Holstein "--that vengeance will be SWIFT and S--" "We're live!" "--URE is a GREAT day to be here, folks! Welcome to the Impro Dating Game, where all YOUR fantasies come true... for the lucky contestant, that is! Today's lineup is COOLER than a nuclear winter, HOTTER than a burning Bible, and more FUN than you can shake a baby at!" proclaimed the Ever Controversial One as he pumped the audience. Said audience roared with appreciation and lo, they were pumped. Straightening his pink and green Day-glo tie, Jack produced clashing orange and mauve Day-glo cards from his breast pocket (located on the right side of his jacket) and grinned. "Before we invite our first contestant out here, I'd like to show everyone the results of last show's dream-dates! Roll that beautiful bean footage, Anne!" *** Back in the technical room, Anne Lysias grumbled and popped the tape in. Telling the regular tech crew that she'd take care of everything today... Jack would pay. *** Standing on the roof of a residence hall on the UC Berkely campus, two well-dressed figures, each holding a rose, stood in the moonlight above a horde of monsters. The taller one, twirling the rose and posing dramatically, "For disturbing the peace of a place of learning, Tuxedo Kamen will never forgive you!" The shorter figure held his rose in the air and shouted, "And make it double!" Tuxedo Kamen sweatdropped. "James--" "It's Rocket Kamen, Tuxedo Kamen, remember?" Jam-- err, Rocket Kamen reminded Tuxedo Kamen politely, "And together we are... TEAM KAMEN!" Tuxedo Kamen sighed. "Just throw the rose, J-- Rocket Kamen," he said, tossing his own rose at one of the monsters, piercing its scaley hide. Rocket Kamen nodded and carefully aimed his rose. Feeling his aim was true, he released... "Ha! Take thOW! WAAAH, it HURTS! WAHH! My beautiful foot!" ... and promptly pierced his own foot. The wailing Kamen, jumping up and down, then fell off the roof. Tuxedo Kamen simply sweatdropped and mumbled something about hoping Usako doesn't tease him about his choice in dates... *** The entire audience and Jack collectively sweatdropped as the video feed ended. Jack regained his composure quick enough. "Unfortunately, folks, we could only show one of the dream date results, as the other was rated six X's too many for this show's General Audience rating..." The audience was disapointed, of course, but at least it saved the janitorial crew from having to wash the blood off the seats. "However," Jack continued, "I do have private copies and am accepting bids! But enough of that, folks, let's welcome our first contestant! Now's a good time to put in the earplugs we have placed under your seats, for hailing from Slayers Glorious, it's the Big Breasted Wonder herself, Naga the White Serpent!" Jack said, putting his own earplugs in. "OH-HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!" Naga laughed, bouncing (literally) on stage. The male portion (and a few females) cat-called appreciatively. "It's wonderful to be here, Jack!" Jack removed his earplugs. They didn't really help anyway. "Isn't it though? Well, go ahead and have a seat, Naga!" said Jack, grinning. He turned and faced the audience. "If you remember at our last show we did things a little differently than usual..." The audience stared blankly at him. Jack sweatdropped. "Err, you can take the earplugs out." A man in the second row shouted, "WHAT?" Jack mimed taking earplugs out. The audience got the clue. Jack sighed. "Anyway, as I was saying, you guys remember last weeks show, right? You guys remember how it was a little unorthodox in the second half?" The audience cheered. "Yeah, I knew you guys liked it... Well, because it went over so well, we're gonna do it again! Here are our bachelorETTES!" Jack said, grinning madly. Naga bounced out of the chair and glared daggers at Jack. "Contrary to the expectations of my many fans (and the belief of various fanfiction writers), I, the Graceful White Serpent, am NOT sexually attracted to females. Why--" "Don't worry about it, Naga! It'll be fine! Sit down!" Naga tossed her head. "It had better be fine, Jack," she said ominously. "Or the Great White Serpent will demonstrate the effect of a concentrated and well-aimed Freeze Arrow on your future chances of nookie!" Jack paled a little. "Aheheh... alright." he said, glancing at the first card. Smirking a little, he read the card. "She used to fight for the forces of evil, and now fights for her only love on the side of GOOD! Everyone give a WARM welcome to Bachelorette #1!" Bounding down the stairs, Bachelorette #1 waved and blew kisses to the audience, waved to Jack, then sat in the first chair, giggling. Jack smiled and waved back. Turning to the audience, Jack said, "Bachelorette #2 is a sorceress of some fame, and now divinity! Welcome Bachelorette #2!" Naga blinked. Bachelorette #2 walked down the stairs, feeling quite foolish being there. She took her place next to Bachelorette #1 and glared at Jack, who gulped and pulled at his collar. "Errm, aheheheh.. yeah. And finally, we have yet ANOTHER accomplished sorceress! Naga, I know you'll appreciate this, for you know her quite well! Come on down, Bachelorette #3!" "OHOHOHO!" "Oh, hell..." Naga said, grimacing. "Only one person I know imitates the laughter of the White Serpent *that* badly." "Ugh, PLEASE don't mention Hell right now," groaned Bachelorette #2. Jack grinned like a madman and said, "So, let's play the Impro Dating Game! Naga, you have in front of you, on that table, some cards that have questions on them. You can use those, or, if you like, you can ask your own! So, what's the first question?" Naga glanced at the first card and glanced back at Jack. "Did you write these?" Jack nodded, still grinning. "Figures. Hrm. Err, Bachelorette #1, if you were a car, what color would you be and why?" Bachelorette #1 placed a finger on her chin and thought. "Well, gee, that's a hard question... Pink sure is nice... Purple's nice too.. Maybe even pink with purple stripes!.. nah... I know!" Then, giggling, she said, "I'd be RED! I'd be red because that's the color of BLOOD!" Naga's eyes bulged a little and she swallowed. Jack sweatdropped and made a mental note to schedule more frequent therapist appointments. Naga shivered, then regained her composure and looked at her next card. "Err, Bachelorettes #3 and #2, what is your idea of a fun time?" Bachelorette #3 grinned. "OHOHO! My idea of a fun time is killing bandits, taking their money, and then drinking myself silly!" Naga jumped to her feet and pointed in the general direction of Bachelorette #2. "Don't attempt to make fun of the White Serpent, Ac-- er, Bachelorette #3!" "Eh?" "Hrmph. Well, what about you, Bachelorette #2?" "Fun? I don't have time for fun anymore... I used to do the same thing, though, minus the drinking part. Of course, I would also order about six full courses and then eat it... no time for that now, though... I wish I could just go back to the simpler times..." Bachelorette #2 complained, sighing. Glancing suspiciously at Jack, Naga wrote a note on one card. "Ok, this is for Bachelorettes #1 and #3: Who wrote the book of love? ... and who lets Jack write these stupid questions? Bachelorette #3, you can go first." "The book of love? I think it was a man named Claus..." Naga sweatdropped. "Bachelorette #1?" "Bachelorette #3 is close, but she got his name wrong. It was Satan! And he wrote it in BL- owie!!" yelped Bachelorette #1 as Bachelorette #2 jumped off her stool and grabbed her pony tail. "Will you people quit it already?" she yelled, yanking on Bachelorette #1's hair. "Don't you know that the Devil can hear his name from wherever it is uttered? If he finds out I'm down here right now ... Bah. I shouldn't be down here anyway," she said, marching past the wall that separated the contestants. "YOU!!" shouted Naga, pointing an accusatory finger at Bachelorette #2. "What are YOU doing here?" Lina Inverse glanced in her direction. "Wasting valuable time, that's what," she said. She turned to leave, then paused. Turning back to Jack, she said, "Next time, Jack, if you are going to attach a request to a pigeon's leg and send it to heaven, use one of the dimensional portals, not a handgun." With that, she disapeared. Jack sweated nervously and pulled at his collar. Turning to Naga, he said, "We're running low on time and Bachelorettes, so I'm going to have to ask you to make your choice. Will it be Bachelorette #1, or Bachelorette #3?" Naga sighed and threw her hands into the air. "Fine, fine! I choose #3! Can I go yet?" "You have to tell us why you chose her first," Jack reminded her. "I chose her because she's not some crazy psycopath obsessed with blood, that's why! I'm also going to make her pay for trying to make fun of the Great White Serpent. OHOHO!" "Aww, well, that's too bad. Let's meet that crazy blood-obsessed psychopath right now! Come on out, Shermie!" As Shermie bounced out, seeming none the worse for not being chosen, Jack said, "Shermie came to us all the way from MCTFF ULTRA. Formerly one with the void, Shermie left and joined the ranks of CHAOS in order to kick some Beekster butt! ... and to lust after that Daisuke boy." Shermie cheerfully hugged a disgusted Naga and waved to the audience. "Hi everybody!" she said cheerfully and smiled. "Ne, Jack-san, you'll set up the date soon, right?" "Of course, of course," Jack smiled toothily. Just as well he'd had the foresight to chain Daisuke to the wall before telling him about Shermie's 'appearance fee.' "He's waiting in your dressing room." "Waaaaaii!" Shermie bounced merrily offstage. "Well, you didn't have a chance to choose Bachelorette #2, and seeing as you two already know each other I suppose it worked out for the best. But for the rest of you people at home who have been sitting under a rock, that was Lina Inverse, the Almighty Lord. What a nice surprise!" Naga blinked. "Lina Inverse? GOD? PAH!" She laughed, "That scrawny good-for-nothing girl couldn't cast her way out of a wet paper sack, let alone hold power that great. If anyone deserves that office, it would be me, the Great White Serpent, not some flat-chested --" "PzzZZZAP!" said the lightning bolt. A now blackened and smoking Naga coughed, "Just tell tell Acti-- Bachelorette #3 to come out so I can go..." Jack grinned that happy maniacal grin of his and said, "Sure thing! She's powerful, self-reliant, if a bit overbearing at times. Endowed with asse-- powers worthy of a master sorceress, it's someone you should be very familiar with, Naga! Everyone, please welcome NAGA the WHITE SERPENT!" "OH- HO HO HO HO! Hello, Naga!" said Naga, emerging from behind the wall. "..." With a lovely *thunk*, the Glorious White Serpent fell to the floor. "... right. Well, Naga, thank you for coming!" "Anytime, Jack... but tell me, how did you manage to get both of us here at the same time?" "How I did it doesn't matter! But WHY did I do it? Well, I had been wanting to try it for a while... Mr. Duck has been so lonely, and they won't let me see him! So, I thought about getting him a companion, and I figured out a way to do it the best way I know! Controversially! I mean, what could cause more controversy than a universal 'pair a ducks'?" Naga stared at him. "You are a sick little man," she said as she lifted her paradoxial twin and carried her off the set. Still grinning, Jack turned to the audience. "Good night, folks!" *** Author's Notes: WAI! I'm an ImproAuthor! ^^;; Sorry this isn't that great, folks. I'll not blame it on a first time (I have written fanfiction before), but I WILL blame it on writer's block and essays. ^_^ A BIG OL' THANKS goes to all the ImproGirls, the ImproBoys, and especially PHOEBE-CHAN for being my one-and-only prereader for this silly thing ^^;; I used nearly all of her suggestions, and she caught nearly all of my mistakes :D I love everyone of you peoples! And to NeoVid: DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY! WAHHHH! Just kidding. Have fun! -Shadra D ("Geez, I guess wandering in the desert for 40 years can make you pretty lazy, huh?")