"Good news, Jack!" Jack's assistant said. To Jack, this sounded about as encouraging as "Dan is here to save you!" Hiding the cable he was trying to sabotage behind his back, the Controversial One put on his "Don't mess with me" face. Unfortunately for him, it was easy to mix up with his "I give up, just don't hurt me" face. "...Yeah?" She held up a clipboard with a graph that made Jack's brain hurt within seconds of trying to figure it out. "According to the ratings analysis we did, questions you wrote get better ratings than than... normal ones." "Well, duh. I said a million times that I'M the only one around here who knows how entertainment works!" She rolled her eyes. "Right. Anyway, even though you won't be appearing on this episode..." "I won't WHAT?" Jack's Aura of Controversy seemed to fill up the entire hallway. Unaffected, she told him, "You tend to scare the women on the show. The men as well, but we don't care about them. If you'll just write up some questions..." He smiled in that "I know something you don't know, and it's not just about those flying purple hippos this time" way he did so well. "It's already covered." When he had switched the original set of questions for his own, it was *supposed* to be part of a revenge scheme, but hey, whatever worked. Jack's assistant tried to guess what his plan was this time, then gave up. She knew she couldn't reduce her brainpower enough to keep up with Jack's ideas. Watching to make sure she had left, Jack looked at the cable he had pulled out of the wall, and got out a black box the size of the average toaster-oven. "OK, I can control the broadcast by remote if I attach this watchamadooger to the cable here... now, which wire..." He tried to remember the rhyme he had read in the children's book on electricity. "White is all right, green is serene..." *gaZAAAPPPPP* <><><><><><><> "Hey, why'd the lights go dim like that?" <><><><><><><> Twitching and smoking slightly, Jack told himself, "Oh right, 'touch the red, you're fried and you're dead.'" He fell on his face. <><><><><><><> "We have to talk," the associate producer said. Anne knew she was in trouble. Nothing good ever starts with "We have to talk." It was a phrase on par with "We can't kill it!!" or "There's no cause for alarm." "You see, Anne, you *are* easier to deal with than your brother, but at least he acted enthusiastic on the air. I'm sure it wouldn't kill you to be a bit more... *alive,* really." Anne thought back over the last few weeks. She hadn't done much, had she? Of course, she wasn't the big attraction of the show, but... "I know you're not the big attraction of the show, but it wouldn't hurt if you tried to add something to the Experience. It *would* hurt your paycheck if you didn't, though." Anne pictured her teeny, teeny bank account withering and dying. "I'll do everything I can!" she said, with a 150-watt smile. "Good. Now, get to the stage, since we'll be on the air in thirty seconds." <><><><><><><> Working Title Fanfiction Presents The ImproDating Game Created by Delfina and Stephica Episode 7: Generic Dudes Written by NeoVid <><><><><><><> With the applause sign in danger of overloading, Anne appeared out of the back, exuding fake confidence. "Hello! Welcome to another episode of Impro Dating Game! Before we start today's game, let's see how it went for our last couple..." The tape started to roll. "-HOHOHOHO!" The studio audience, not prepared for it to start mid-BitchLaugh(tm), winced. The scene, for some reason, was a long-range zoom shot, with the two Nagas barely visible in the distance. Their voices, sadly, were still perfectly clear. "I admit you are both beautiful and skilled, but I will PROVE that I am the TRUE White Serpent, and your powers are a mere shadow of mine! OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" Naga #1 stated. "Never!" Naga #2 countered. "For I was never tainted by Orochi! That alone is proof enough that I have true strength! OOOHOHOHOHO!" Windows shattered. People ran away yelling "My ears! My ears!" And fortunately, the tape cut off. Back in the studio, Anne blinkblinked at the monitor. "Oookay... Anyway, let's hear it for our batchelorette, Aerith Gainsborough!" The famed videogame heroine/martyr waved to the crowd, her Aura of Purity (and pink, don't forget pink) at full strength. The crowd cheered appropriately. "So, Aerith, I'm sure our viewers would like to know why you decided to come here. Weren't you already in a relationship?" "Um." Aerith considered her answer. "Yes, but it hasn't been... working... lately. Things have gotten so crazy that I thought I needed something new." "I see. Would that be Gabriel's death you're talking about, or the whole Cloud/Satan thing?" There was a faint "doh!"ing sound, and the associate producer quickly wrote something on a cue card and held it up. The host looked at the card, which read, "Don't ask that! The author wants series ambiguity!!!" Anne Fakesmiled(TM) and said, "Oh, I suppose that's not important, if you don't want to talk about it. "Well, I *did* want to tell the story, but now I won't. Hmph," Aerith replied. 'She was never like that in the game...' Anne thought. Going back into the perky tone that she had been threatened into, Anne got to business. "Let's bring in the contestants! Bachelor Number 1 is kind of an older man, but he's got it where it *really* counts..." "Hello, ladies." The first lucky man came onstage. He was a big, muscular guy, so classically good-looking he could be mixed up with the average god. He nodded at the audience, and most of the women had to be physically restrained. Bachelor #1 didn't seem to mind watching the restraining, either. "Bachelor Number 2 is a high-ranking officer and warrior, but still a real fun lover..." Even compared to #1, the second contestant was impressive in a way. Wiry, short and... furry, he gave the viewers a huge smile. Most of the fans were unsettled by it, except for the ones who were into that sort of thing. The impressive thing about him was the way he moved. He managed to make walking the few feet to his chair look amazingly sensual. The guy just oozed sex... or confidence... well, he definitely oozed something. #1 gave him a look. The look said "Dammit, I should be able to do that." Bachelor 2 took his seat, and said, "What do I need to say?" His smile *ting*ed. "And Number 3 is a man with an attitude you can't help but like, despite the little problem with gambling he's had lately..." A tall, dark, lanky and relatively average-looking guy stepped out. Something about him screamed "Mr Nice Guy." #3 gave the crowd an almost ^_^ey smile. "Hey. Great to be here." He self-consciously sat down. "Aren't they great, folks?" Anne saccharined. "We'll start our game right after these messages!" <><><><><><><> [Scene: A guy is sitting on his couch eating his sixth bag of chips that night and is watching something mind-numbing (probably Impro Dating Game)] Voice Over: Fact: The U.S. has 31 million starving people and throws away 10 billion pounds of food a year. [The guy finishes the chips, even the crumbs, and starts on another bag] VO: This man, however, has never thrown away food in his life. Let's all try to be like him. Fast, quiet VO: (Paid for by the Association for Apathy.) <><><><><><><> The scene cut back to Anne's smiling face. "We're back with Impro Dating Game! Aerith, it's time for you to start trying to learn which of our bachelors will be your dream date for tonight." Aerith looked at the cards in her hand. "I'd like it better if I could make up questions as I go along, but these look good..." She skimmed through the list. "All right, Number 1, what do you like best in a woman?" #1's answer was instantaneous. "Me." Then he twitched. "Argh! I didn't mean to say... *sigh*" The audience snickered. "Must think before I talk..." #1 said to himself. "Um, right." Aerith shook her head and went on. "Bachelor two, what do you like best?" "Big idiot stole my answer..." #2 muttered. More audibly, he said, "Rhmm... if you want to get to know me, you have to be open-minded." A big, disturbing grin followed. "Really open-minded." "OK. Bachelor number three, same question." Momentarily unable to do anything but look at #1 and #2 funny, #3 took a few seconds before remembering to answer. "Someone who's understanding, mostly." He thought a little longer. "There's a few things in my life I'm not goin' to tell anyone about if I can help it, and I need someone who can deal with that." Aerith looked curious. "A mysterious past? Sounds familiar." The Ancient (but still young and cute) girl looked through the list of questions again. "Bachelor number 2, what's your dream job?" #2's smile appeared at double intensity, as he rubbed his chin in thought, then launched into a lovingly detailed, 30 second long description, 28.4 seconds of which had to be bleeped. Aerith looked stunned, then replied, "...I didn't mean that kind of job..." #1 spoke up. "Hey, you stole my answer, dammit!" #2 dared him to do something about it. A group of very large men from KATN Security (KATN: Guaranteed to Kick Ass *and* Take Names) separated the two. Aerith decided skipping #1 would be a Good Idea, and went on, "Number Three, what's your dream job?" #3, who was pointedly not paying attention to Numbers 1 and 2, said, "One where I get to learn about people. I like knowin' how people think, and there's something you can learn from anyone." He looked at 1 and 2 again. "Usually." "Hmm." Aerith looked at the cards again. "I think I'm going to regret not having safer questions." Anne, who had been keeping her reactions off-camera this whole time, said, "I understand completely. Well, everybody, we'll be back after a few words...." <><><><><><><> VO: New! It's the Al Gore Action Figure! [A ten year old kid is handed a box with the Seal of the President on it, tears it open, and gets out a block of wood.] Kid: What's it do? VO: ...That's about it, really. [Scene cuts to a row of these boxes.] VO: Collect the whole set! Al Gore can be found in a two-pack with Plushie Senator Lieberman! Plushie Lieberman blows up whenever it sees a videogame! <><><><><><><> The "now back to our show" pic appeared on the viewer's screens for a moment, despite the fact that Controversial Jack seemed to have scribbled "This show causes cancer of the ass!" all over it. Anne sighed, then went back to Robotic Enthusiasm Mode. "Well, Aerith, ready for the last half of the game?" Aerith, looking resigned, said, "No, but I'll do this anyway." She read through the questions again. She stopped at one of the stranger ones. 'Well, it can't make things any worse...' Trying not to guess what kind of answers she'd get, Aerith took a deep breath and asked, "Bachelor Number Three, if you had to die in a cinematically fitting way, how would it happen?" "Uhhh..." #3 looked at nothing in particular and tapped his fingertips together as he thought. "I say... Old age suddenly gets me while I'm doing research for my second Nobel Prize-winning anthropological project." Aerith blinked. "Wow. Bachelor 1, how about you?" Number One needed much less introspection to find his answer. "First of all, my deathbed would have to have at least twelve beautif-" "OK, that's... good enough," Aerith told him. "Number Two, how would it happen for you?" He laughed in a weird, muffled way. "I've spent a lot of time thinking about that one. The way it'd go is: I'd finally collapse from the wounds I got in combat with my worst enemy, right after throwing his broken body into the pits of Hell." The audience did the Wave, except with twitches instead of hands. "...I th-" Aerith tried to begin, "I think I know who I'll choose." Anne, still looking stunned, answered, "Sorry, but the producers are waving signs that say there's still seven minutes of air time left. You'll have to fill up a bit more." "*megasigh* All right, one more question... oh hell, this one's good enough: What do you think of cute magical girls?" #1's answer was exactly what everyone expected. "Mmmm... cute magical girls..." #2 waved a hand in front of #1's face. No reaction. "Man. This guy is unbelievable... going into a trance just from thinking about some short-skirted, hot..... underage... rhmmm..." #3 stared at them. "This is disturbin' me too much to answer, really." Aerith put her face in her hands. "Is there a God?" "I'm kinda doubting it right now," #3 replied. "Heh. If there was, there wouldn't be people like me!" #2 said with a smile. "Wait, I *know* there are plenty of them!" #1 said. "I talked to five just last week!" The associate producer said in a harsh whisper, "Anne, end the show. Fast!" 'Thank God,' Anne thought. "Well, Aerith, we've all seen the..." Failing miserably at finding a positive description for the contestants, she restarted. "Which lucky man are you going to choose?" "THE NORMAL- I mean, Number Three! Heh," Aerith said without thinking. Most of the audience whewed. The more twisted viewers booed in disappointment. Anne was just glad to see that Aerith was sane. Anne then asked the required question, even though even someone with the brainpower of a lobotomized slug would know the answer. "What made you choose him?" Aerith looked at her like she was crazy, and Anne whispered, "They make me ask that." "I thought Number One was... He was..." Aerith wisely decided to skip ahead. "Number Two... um, his voice sounded so much like Red XIII's that it was bringing up weird connections. But Three... I preferred the way he thinks." 'Like someone who should be allowed into human society,' Aerith didn't say. Anne held up the mike and smiled for the cameras again. "Let's bring out the ones you didn't choose. Number One is the god of fertility, and possibly the biggest sex addict in human history. From 'The Gods Must Be Randy,' it's Priapus!" The true Legend In His Own Time came out from behind the wall. He flexed once, causing several women in the audience to have heart attacks. "You missed out," he said, smiling at Aerith. "It would have been thirty hours you never would have forgotten." Anne managed to take her eyes off of the god long enough to do her job. "Bachelor #2 is a mortal turned high-ranking Lord of Hell, and all-around fun guy... From 'The GMCA,' it's Dread Judgment, sometimes known as 'Joel-chan.'" The wiry wolfish man made his sleazy way on camera, his usual evilly perverted leer firmly in place. "Too bad, too bad. You had a chance at everything, but you didn't go for it. No hard feelings, though. Hug?" When Judgment reached out to Aerith, she put the tip of her staff against his sternum and held him at a safe distance. His smile finally gave out. "Hmp, doesn't matter," he said, the Pervotek Entendreizer(TM) in his head starting up, "being around anyone who radiates that much purity makes my head throb." Judgment smiled again, Aura of Sickness momentarily radiating so much pure lust that the home viewers could feel it. Priapus blinked. "Wow. Nice aura." Judgment smirked. "Thanks. My boss gave it to me." "Realllly?" Priapus' eyebrows went up in interest. "Did he give you anything else?" "Just some inhuman endurance. The skills to go with it are all mine." Judgment gave a low rumbling laugh. Something else went up in interest. "You know, I haven't had sex in nearly forty minutes and it's killing me. Maybe you'd-" "SECURITY!" Anne yelled. The two freaks were escorted out. "...Dear God, we were getting into some weird territory there... anyway, let's bring out our winner! He's an anthropologist who is stuck with working in a garage, gambling for his life, and being Impro's token black guy. Let's hear it for High Stakes' Tyrell Morgan!" The tall, imposing and almost frighteningly nice guy came out a bit uncertainly. "Hey. I'm... um..." With a slightly ironic smile, he started over. "Damn. It's been so long that I'm forgettin' how to act right now." "I don't mind," Aerith assured him. "It's been a long time since I met anyone who wasn't obsessed with owning me." "Really? Awright." His usual confidence nowhere to be found, Tyrell asked, "How d'you feel about takin' it slow?" "That depends," Aerith said, as they started on their way backstage. "On what?" She smiled. "On how long it takes you to find what turns me on." <><><><><><><> Behind the studio, what appeared to be a pointy haired mummy dressed like a ninja gleefully watched the former Bachelors 1 and 2 get thrown out by several large, surly security guards. The Controversial hospital escapee hefted a camera and, forgetting Mr Duck wasn't there to hear, said, "This is going to be sweet. Now that I can pirate their broadcast, I'll give 'em something that the viewers won't be able to resist watching." Jack's grin could have made Charles Manson wet himself. "They want ratings? I'll give them ratings! BWAHAAHAAAHAAAA!" __________________________________ NeoVid's notes: I wanted to put Kim Kaphwan in this, but he's married. And someone beat me to Marlo. Anyway, Impro's Least Contributing Author finally does a third Impro part, and on his own... unbelievable! The lack of continuity worries were what let me write for this. Nothing wrong with that. I know it might seem like cheating to have used two characters that I created, but as long as it led to a good episode, no one can complain (got it?). Some people I know think there's not enough characterization in this series, so I tried to write all the characters so that anyone unfamiliar with them would have a good idea what they're like (but I didn't make Naga deep enough -_-). As always, I went light on the prereaders (blame my attention sp- OOO! Shiny! *poing*). Thanks to Phoebe for volunteering to preread, and Philip Barkow for actually getting around to doing it. Also thanks to Cris, Mark "cool" Poa and ElRutt for giving me some question ideas... this wouldn't have been nearly as twisted without you! Also thanks to Wyvern-chan for the Pervotek thingy. And Jonatan for the "We have to talk" thing. ^_^ I'm still at neovid@hotmail.com if you wanna comment. I'll try not to lose your mail in the 14 spams I get a day. Ehthank you. -NeoVid Sometimes known as Sailor (N)V. "No, I'm not Sailor Envy. She's from the Darkverse. ...Dammit, there's a good reason I'm wearing this fuku." Plugolas: http://www.angelfire.com/ma2/donottauntlsamaprod, the most nonstandard Impro around, http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net, the home of ImproFicRoast, and... http://www.ape-law.com/evilmonkey... I won't even describe it. What's Playing in NeoVid's Head Right Now: "The Heat Is On" from Bust A Groove 2 (I can still see the arrows imprinted on my retinas!) and "Eternal Flow" from Suikoden... for THREE YEARS NOW!! AIIGGHHH!