The UltraDome was loud.  Sort of like the surface of
the sun was warm.  Heavy metal concerts had been known to
curl up into little balls and whimper when compared to a
capacity crowd at the 'Dome.  Not even on a big night, just
on an average one.

        Well, okay, they didn't really, because concerts
weren't capable of that sort of thing.  But metaphorically
speaking, they were babbling gibberish in the corner.  It
was that kind of loud.

        As was very apparent from the enthusiastic yet, in
comparison, downright quiet cheers Jack received when he
bounded onto the stage in his traditional
no-I-haven't-had-too-much-sugar-I'm-like-this-naturally
manner (just-a-bit-too-wide-for-a-sane-man grin optional --
but definitely preferred), this was not the UltraDome. 
"Aww, come ON, people!" Jack bellowed.  "You can do better
than that!  Because THIS... IS..."

=============

The ImproDating Game

Created by: Delphina and Stephica

Episode #9: An Agony of Pleasure
Written by: Scott Schimmel

Presented by: Working Title Fanfiction

=============

        "Better," Jack decided as the cheers died down.  He
waved enthusiastically to the camera.  "And hello to all of
our viewers at home.  Welcome to the show you can't believe
is still on the air, IMPRODATING GAME!"  He grinned his
best, glintiest grin, the one that said either "Isn't this
the most fun you've ever had?" or "Beware, I have been known
to devour house pets." depending on who you asked.  "Yes,"
he continued, "It's Improdating Game, the show where all of
your favorite Impro characters have the chance to get
exactly what they deserve!  One way or the other," he added
in a stage whisper.  His manic grin grew a degree as the
crowd ate it up.

        "What is he doing?" mumbled a certain assistant
backstage, making an effort not to tear out her hair.

        "What are we doing?" Jack, onstage, repeated, almost as
though he'd picked up the question.  "Just bringing you the
BESTEST, MOST ENTERTAINING SHOW ON TELEVISION!  Apart from
all that other stuff," he mumbled against the ensuing cheer. 
"And we've got a GREAT show for you tonight!  I should know,
I rewrote all the boring questions they tried to foist off
on our guests."  A ripple of laughter spread through the
audience while, backstage, a certain assistant tried really
hard to refrain from bashing her head against the nearest
wall.  Or grabbing Jack and bashing his head against it. 
Possibly both.  "But first--" Jack attempted to continue,
blissfully unaware of his recent brush with pain.

        Then a high-school girl bounced (in every sense of the
word) onto the stage.  She had dark hair, a bright smile,
and a school uniform whose skirt was cut rather higher than
most, and the blouse, lower.  "Hi, everyone!" she
singsonged.

        "...That wasn't your cue, Eiko-chan."

        "It wasn't?  I thought when you said 'we've got a
GREAT--'"

        "Never mind," Jack decided.  "Hey, breaking out of
sequence is controversial!  ...Sort of.  Okay, maybe not. 
But what the hell, right?"  Eiko grinned and hopped up onto
the contestants' stool, and the audience roared its
approval.  Although judging by the (mostly) deep tone of the
roar, followed by the death glares from (most of) the other
half of the audience, perhaps the approval was due more to
Eiko's actions (and clothing and pose and... never mind)
than to Jack's words.

        Jack grinned at the audience again, shifting to stand
dead-center in the spotlight once more.  "Those of you who
watched last week's show will recognize our contestant, so
you twelve can go get a drink or something while I introduce
her.  For the rest of you, she's cute, she's bubbly, she's
in love with her best friend but not averse to a bit of
action on the side, and best of all she was willing to ask
whatever questions I could come up with so of course I
invited her back... from H! Flash, Eiko Saseko!"

        Eiko waved winsomely, adding, "Or Saseko Eiko in the
original Japanese."

        "Right, whatever.  And speaking of last week's show...
normally, this is the point where we'd run some clips from
the Ranma/Makotos dream date.  Unfortunately, it seems that
that tape's been seized as evidence.  Our condolences to the
owner of what used to be the Shangri-la coffee shop and
bakery.  It just goes to show you, kids, never argue with an
angry woman with a big-ass spatula."

        Silence, broken by a few nervous titters, commenced.

        "Hey," Jack said, trying to get the excitement level
back up.  "At least it was a successful romantic date..."

        "Most people don't consider violence a part of a
romantic date, Jack," Eiko murmured, just loud enough for
the microphones to pick up.

        "Really?  That's funny, mine usually end that way."  He
shrugged as Eiko buried her face in her palms, and beamed
his manic smile once more.  "So if you're ready for a little
of the old ultraviolence, stay tuned!  We'll be right back
after this!"

=============

[Scene:  Some guy is sitting on a park bench, holding a can
of soda.  He moves as if to open the can.]

Woman (VO):  Stop!

[The guy looks up, puzzled.  He looks around.  He spots the
speaker, who we now see is a lithe twentysomething woman. 
She has startlingly bright emerald eyes, and her raven hair
has green streaks through it.  She points, and we also see a
rose tattoo on the back of her hand.]

Woman:  Don't you realize that you are contributing to the
wasteful use of nonrenewable resources and the worsening
pollution of our planet's biosphere?

Guy:  ...Huh?

[The woman's eyes narrow.  The grass around the man's feet
suddenly shoots up, growing at a rapid rate and wrapping
around his body.  Meanwhile, a limb of the tree in whose
shade he'd been sitting reaches down and plucks the can
away.  The guy struggles feebly against the plants.  The
woman smiles at the camera and holds up a clay jar sealed
with wax.]

Woman:  Don't be an enemy of the planet.  Drink ShuuKola.

Announcer (VO):  ShuuKola, with all-natural ingredients. 
The right choice to avoid the wrath of ecoterrorists.

Guy:  Mmmmph!

=============

        "Really?" asked Jack.  "Six of them?  I didn't know
that was physically possible."  Eiko smiled and nodded. 
Jack glanced offstage for a moment as a low voice caught his
attention, then looked directly into the camera.  "And...
we're back," he belatedly announced, shaking the audience
out of its shell-shocked daze.  "Now let's introduce the 
lovely ladies and gentleman who'll be competing for the
opportunity to date Eiko-chan."

        He gave the crowd his professional smile, and the
applause started.  Slowly, at first, but it steadily grew to
what he considered an acceptable level.

        "Our first guest tonight," Jack read from the cue card,
"is a genius half-American high school student, an athlete,
a crossdresser, and the most normal person she knows!  Let's
hear it for Bachelorette Number One!"

        The crowd applauded politely as a young woman with
short blonde hair, wearing a boys' school uniform, emerged
from backstage.  She flashed a quick, slightly cocky grin,
waved, and perched on the stool.  "Hiya."

        "Bachelor Number Two enjoys fast cars, expensive toys,
and sexy women!  Typical, huh?"  The crowd obediently
laughed, while Eiko eyed Jack.  "His turn-offs include
secret societies and blind magicians."  He nodded as Number
Two emerged, and the crowd again applauded.

        "It's a pleasure to be here," the sandy-haired man in
the well-tailored suit replied, flashing a smile that was
just a little bit forced.  He strode briskly to his chair,
gave a brief bow and a slightly confused smile to Number
One, and sat.  Crossing one leg over the other, he appeared
entirely at ease.

        "And last but certainly not least, a young lady with
lots of potential, and already a pretty fair sorceress in
her own right... Bachelorette Number Three!"

        Yet another blonde with a pageboy haircut skipped out
onto the stage.  This one wore a black tunic and skirt
combination, with a golden hexagram sigil emblazoned on the
front.  Bachelor Number Two did a doubletake.  She didn't
seem to notice, giving the audience an ear-to-ear smile and
hopping up onto her stool, swinging her feet (which didn't
reach the floor) energetically.

        "Err... excuse me, Jack?" Number Two said.  His voice
sounded somewhat stressed, for some odd reason.  Perhaps it
had to do with Numbers One and Three, who he was glancing at
out of the corners of his eyes.  "I, er... understood that,
um..."

        Jack studied the participants.  "Well," he announced to
the audience, ignoring Two completely, "let's hope that
Eiko-chan prefers blondes, eh?"

        Eiko shrugged theatrically.  "Blondes, brunettes,
redheads..."

        "Well, I guess that settles that, then!"  Sotto voce,
he added to Eiko, "Good work, kid, you're a natural."

        "What?  It's just the truth..."

        Bachelor Number Two gaped at... well, at the screen
that separated him from the contestant, actually.  "...oh,"
he finally said in a small voice.  "I... see."

        Now, though, Number One looked a bit irritated.  "Wait
a minute..." she began, but Jack waved her to silence.  For
her part, Number Three just looked confused.

        "We're running a bit behind," Jack said, "so why don't
we get to the questions?  Eiko-chan?"

        Eiko smiled, squaring the stack of index cards she
held.  "Sure thing, Jack.  Um..."  She peered at the card. 
"What kind of girl do you like?  Jack, I thought--"

        Jack shrugged.  "It's traditional.  Don't worry, they
get stranger."

        "Okay, I guess... um, Number Two, that one's for you."

        "Well," Two began, "I get along well with all sorts of
women, really."  He ignored a skeptical glance from One as
he continued, "But if I had to choose what would be most my
type, well... she'd have long black hair and an athletic
build.  Maybe even waifish.  She'd be a strong, intelligent,
independent woman, yet she'd have a vulnerable side that
she'd show only to those who knew her very well, and then,
not very often."  He paused for a moment and added, "And her
eyes... I love gazing into a beautiful woman's eyes."

        There was a collective "Awww" from many of the women in
the audience, who had decided that maybe this guy wasn't as
bad as his introduction had made him seem, after all.  For
her part, Eiko quirked an eyebrow and scribbled a note on
the card regarding how well that described her.  "Same
question, Number One," she said.

        "Um..."  The girl coughed, sounding slightly
embarrassed.  "Well, the thing is, I don't really--"

        "Oh, come on," Jack interrupted.  "Do you think that's
what these good people want to hear?"  The audience murmured
and booed, suggesting that, no, that was not what they
wanted to hear.  "See?  Go on, answer the question.  It
won't kill you!"

        "Oh, great," Number One muttered.  "Okay, okay."  The
audience quieted down a little, waiting in anticipation.  "I
guess, um... the kind of girl I make friends with is
cheerful and, well, nice.  Sometimes she's insecure about
herself, but she's always willing to help her friends."

        "Hmm, sounds like you might have someone specific in
mind," Jack teased while Eiko wrote.  Number One flushed
faintly, prompting cheers and catcalls from the audience,
which did not put her any more at ease.

        Eiko flipped through the stack.  "Let's see... Number
Three, how do you feel about snakes?"  She shot a glance
toward Jack, who smiled innocently -- a truly frightening
(and entirely unconvincing) expression, on him.

        "Hmm..." Three mused.  "A Lighting spell might scare
them off.  If not, then a Flare Arrow should do the job."

        "I... see."  Eiko scribbled a quick note.  "Number Two,
same question."

        "I've always liked snakes, actually," the man replied
with an oily grin (which was wasted on Eiko, thanks to the
barrier, but the audience apparently appreciated it).  "I
don't know why, I just do."

        "Hmm.  Number Two, would you describe yourself as a
cute androgynous bishounen?"  Eiko smiled.

        "...What?"

        "You're supposed to stick to the cards," Jack said. 
Then he grinned.  "But so what?  I like it.  Answer the
question, Number Two."

        "Oh... well... I wouldn't say I'm androgynous."  He
offered yet another wide smile.  "But the other stuff is
definitely true."

        The audience laughed, mostly appreciatively. 
Bachelorette Number One rolled her eyes.  "You remind me of
someone."

        "Why, thank you.  Perhaps we could discuss that
later..."

        "That's not a good thing," One concluded.

        Eiko giggled.  "Number One," she called, then blinked
as she read the card.  "If you were a gun, who would you
kill?"

        "Told you they got better," Jack reminded her.

        "That's pretty easy.  It would be a certain
psychopathic young man who was on this show a few weeks
ago."  She turned to face the camera.  "And if you're
watching, YES, I MEAN YOU, YOU SICK FREAK!  I SWEAR I'LL GET
YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!"

=============

        "My.  I made an impression after all," mused a
dark-haired young man as he lay in front of a television. 
"I wonder whether I should send flowers?"

        "Joker..."  The brown-haired girl sitting nearby sighed
and gave him a warning look, which he completely
disregarded.

=============

        "Ah, young love," Jack said, ignoring the death glare
the bachelorette directed at him.

        "Okaaaaaaay..." Eiko said.  "Anyway... this one's for
all of you.  If you could have anything in the world, what
would it be?  Number One, you first."

        "A normal life for me and my friends," she promptly
replied.  Number Two stared at her in disbelief, but the
audience ate it up.

        "Hmm."  Eiko made another note.  "Who -is- Number One?"
she asked Jack.

        "You are Number Six."

        "Eh?"

        "Sheesh, kids today.  No appreciation for the
classics."

        "The Prisoner," Number One commented.

        "Someone recognizes it!"  Jack beamed, and added, "And
how appropriate that it'd be you.  Anyway..."  He gestured
to Eiko.  "Never mind that.  Fire when ready, and all that."

        Eiko grinned, nodding to Jack, and made a mental note
to ask later.  "Number Three, same question."

        "My parents back," Three said quietly.

        There was stunned silence for a few moments.  Then Jack
sobbed theatrically, wiping a tear from the corner of his
eye.  "That's... that's so sweet," he gasped.  The audience
obviously agreed.  Bachelorette Three cracked a small,
tremulous smile while Eiko, eyes shimmering, composed
herself.

        "Number Two?" Eiko asked after nearly a minute had
passed.

        "Gee.  Well..."  He was quiet for a long moment, almost
brooding, his brow furrowed with a fearsome intensity.  At
last, he looked up and spoke.  "Cars, babes, cash, fame...
it's so hard to choose."

        What is the sound of one studio audience facefaulting? 
The viewers found out.

        Number Two blinked.  "...What?" he asked.

        Eiko slowly climbed back onto the stool, wincing
slightly as she rubbed the hip she'd somehow managed to land
on.  Considering the state of her clothing, this action
caused several of the weaker-willed men in the audience to
collapse due to nasal blood loss.

        "Well..."  Jack attempted to rally the crowd's spirits. 
"Thank you for that... telling answer, Number Two!  And it
looks like we have time for just one more question,
Eiko-chan... choose carefully."

        "Mmm..."  Eiko flipped through the cards rapidly. 
"Well, some of these are pretty tempting, but..."  She held
up one yellow card triumphantly.  "There are two kinds of
people in this world," she recited.  "What are they?  Number
Two."

        "The pathetic and the apathetic," Number Two cracked.

        "And which are you?"

        Two paused.  "Oh, now that's just not fair," he
protested.

        "Looks like he can dish it out, but he can't take it,
folks," Jack chortled over Two's protests.  The crowd
jeered, the women among them having apparently decided that,
yes, Number Two really was as bad as the introduction made
him seem, after all.

        "Number One, same question," Eiko said, chuckling
softly herself.

        "I'd say the people who only want to fit in and the
people who don't.  I don't," she added before the follow-up
question.

        "Not a very surprising answer from this ambitious young
woman," Jack noted while Eiko paused to note the response.

        "And Number Three?"

        Three smiled.  "The people who divide people into two
groups and the people who don't," she said.  "I try not to. 
...Oh, but I guess I just did.  Oops."  She giggled
nervously.

        "Well, there you have it.  Which one of these lovely
ladies and gentleman--"  Number Two did not seem enthused
about that particular description, which only caused Jack's
smile to grow wider.  "--Will Eiko-chan choose?  We'll find
out right after this word from our newest sponsor!"  Jack
turned toward his contestant.  "You might recognize this
one, Eiko.  They're from your home dimension."

=============

        "Did you hear THAT?" the beleaguered assistant
screeched into a headset.  "Cut the video feed!  NOW!"  A
pause.  "Blame it on technical problems, I don't care!  Just
DO it, before we all get in even more trouble!"

==============

[Scene:  A black screen, with an apology for brief technical
difficulties at the station overlaid.  However, it seems the
audio feed is still intact, and an array of gasps, moans,
and other suggestive sounds is clearly audible.  The
attentive might notice a certain overtone of frustration. 
Suddenly, the sounds briefly stop.]

Woman (VO):  Here... try this.

[The sounds soon continue.  They are rather louder and
more... enthusiastic.]

Announcer (VO):  Y2KY Jelly.  For those times when you want
four digits to fit where only two would before.

=============

        "...One of those millennium things," Eiko finished. 
"Never mind that it doesn't start until next year..."

        "Yeah, that was a fun controversy for a while," Jack
agreed.  "Before it just got stupid, that is.  So anyway,
you've, uh..."

        Eiko shrugged.  "Never tried it.  It probably doesn't
go very well with the ice cream and chocolate sauce."

        "I see..." Jack murmured.  He blinked.  "And I see
we're back on the air!  And giving network censors heart
palpitations yet again."  He struck a V-for-victory pose. 
"Right now, we're about to find out which of these lucky
guys and dolls Eiko has chosen to be her date!  And whoever
it is, it looks as if the experience might be very
educational."  He waggled his eyebrows, drawing a mixed
reaction from the crowd but an amused giggle from Eiko. 
"So... I assume you've decided?"

        "Well, Jack, it wasn't an easy choice, but I think I'll
go with Number Three."

        "All righty, then!  And in just a moment, you'll get to
meet her... but first, let's meet the losers!  Bachelorette
Number One is smart, athletic, pretty, and her best friend's
sole touchstone to reality in a world suddenly turned
upside-down... from Arcana, it's Natsu Forrester!"

        Eiko's eyes lit up as Natsu walked around the
separating wall, looking disconcertingly bishounen in her
boys' uniform.  She stepped forward, holding out one hand to
shake, and was caught off guard by the unexpected glomp she
received.  "Kawaii!" Eiko squealed.

        "Erk."

        "Gee," Eiko mused, drawing back just a little.  "Now I
regret that I didn't pick you even more than I did before. 
It wasn't anything to do with you, you know..."

        "Thanks."  Natsu essayed a smile.  "Maybe next time,
huh?"

        Eiko pushed herself up onto her tiptoes and drew the
blonde girl into a passionate kiss, much to Natsu's surprise
and the audience's delight.  "I'll be looking forward to
it," she breathed after releasing the taller girl, who
stumbled off toward stage left.

        "Nowhere but the ImproDating Game will you find HOT
PSEUDOYURI LUVLUV like that!" Jack promised the crowd. 
"Ow," he added, as Natsu elbowed him as she walked by.  "Oh,
fine, abuse the host.  Anyway, Bachelor Number Two is a
charming man who knows how to get almost anything he
wants... except a date with Eiko.  From Wings of Fate, it's
Kenchi Iwanaga!"

        "He's not bishounen," Eiko muttered as Kenchi stepped
past the barrier.  "Good taste in clothes, though," she
added begrudgingly.

        Kenchi stopped, giving Eiko a brief bow.  "It's too
bad.  But I don't think it would have worked out that well
anyway.  You're a bit young for me.  No hard feelings?"

        "'Course not," Eiko proclaimed, giving him a brief (and
rather less personal than the last) hug.  "Good luck with
that black-haired girl..."

        "I'd need it," he commented with a wry smile. 
"Thanks."  Jack opened his mouth to say something, but
Kenchi glanced his way and snapped, "Don't even think about
it."

        Jack blinked as the man left the stage.  "That's weird,
I could've sworn I had something to say... oh well.  It's
time to meet the lucky bachelorette!"  Pause for applause,
which came in quantity.  "The contestant you chose is a
talented young student of the mystic arts, even if her taste
in traveling companions leaves something to be desired...
give it up for Mariposa Manin Fehlmeier, from Slayers
Glorious!"

        Eiko blinked as the cheerful young girl rounded the
barrier and approached her.  She blinked again, speechlessly
looking down -- which in itself was fairly unusual -- into
Mari's befreckled face.  "Uh... well, hi," she finally said.

        "Hi!"  Mari bounced energetically from one foot to the
other.  "Is something wrong?"

        "Not really... I just thought you'd be... older."  She
glanced significantly at Jack, who happened to be looking
elsewhere.  Specifically, up at the ceiling.  "Oh well.  I
suppose we can have fun eating ice cream, or something."

        "Wai!" chirped Mari, obligingly running the joke even
further into the ground.

        "And as your prize, this week we're sending you lucky
kids to..."  Jack consulted his cue cards once again.  "Star
Land amusement park!  Have fun!"  Mariposa bounced happily,
while Eiko quirked an eyebrow.  Jack turned back to the
audience.  "And all of you out there, remember to join us
next week on the ImproDating Game, where love is in the air
and gas masks are disallowed!  Good night, everyone!"

        Jack posed, smiling his jillion-watt grin for the
cameras, while Eiko and Mariposa waved.  The audience's
applause once more filled the small studio, until the
cameras faded to black.

=============

Author's notes:  Whee, this was fun.  I'd like to thank
Phoebe, Kate Malloy, and Todd Harper for prereading,
fact-checking, and general support.

The title comes from a Robyn Hitchcock song.  The other OCRs
should mostly be much easier to spot. :p


Scott Schimmel            Ex ignorantia ad sapientium;
                          Ex luce ad tenebras
"You really aren't normal, are you?" - Miki Koishikawa