"What exactly do you mean," Anne Lysias asked in a very calm, quiet 
voice, "when you say that I am fired?"

The assistant looked around a bit nervously for the associate 
producer, who was conveniently nowhere in sight.  She felt rather 
badly about having to break the news to Anne.  The woman had always 
been a pleasure to work with.  Still, knowing Anne's brother, the 
assistant wasn't sure what to expect.  The woman seemed normal 
enough, sane enough, but you couldn't always tell.

"Well," she began, twisting her hands together, "you never showed up 
for last week's show..."

"That's because my brother locked me in my dressing room closet!"  
Anne's eyebrow twitched.  "*You* were the one who let me out!"

The assistant decided it would be healthiest not to mention the 
rather... interesting costume Anne had been dressed in when she had 
found her.  Probably something Jack had gotten Eiko to bring with 
her from her dimension.  "Not only that, Ms. Lysias, but the ratings 
seem to be a bit... higher when Jack is hosting the show or causing 
trouble.  There are some wacky people out there, you know?" she 
added quickly.

Anne closed her eyes and sighed.  "Look, I really need the money.  
And I really should be keeping an eye on my brother."

"Ms. Lysias, we have trained professionals on hand-"

Anne snorted.  "No, you don't."

"Well, we have large men who enjoy hitting things and will do so for 
very little money.  I assure you we can keep Jack under control."

"Really."  She crossed her arms.

There was a pause.  "Well, pretty sure," the assistant admitted.

"You seem to have had a bit of trouble with that so far.  And you've 
been dealing with Jack in rather poor form.  Without Mr. Duck to 
advise him, he's really only a shadow of himself."  Her eyes 
glittered.  "And I could make sure he gets Mr. Duck back."

The assistant swallowed heavily.  "You wouldn't."

Anne smiled, looking for a moment frighteningly like her brother.  
"I would."  She decided to try a more reasonable approach.  "Look, I 
don't want to replace Jack or anything.  I just want to be able to 
be kept on as a secondary host.  You know, split the show between 
us."

"Well... I guess you could host the second half of the show tonight.  
But I can't guarantee anything beyond that."

Anne beamed.  "Great.  And we'll see who has the higher ratings!"  
She strolled away the nervous assistant, feeling contented.  She 
knew that the copy of "Nabiki's Guide to Quick and Ruthless 
Negotiations" she had picked up would come in handy someday.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Working Title Fiction Presents:

THE IMPRODATING GAME

Created by Delfina and Stephica

This Part By Lady Brick

Part 10: Sex, Drugs, and Cheesecake

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Good evening, everybody!  Are you ready for the IMPRODATING GAME?"  
Jacks voice reverberated through the studio, echoed by the cheers of 
the crowd.  His eyes sparkled with maniac glee, and his hair was 
extra sharp and pointy.  His lime green satin suit was somewhat 
blinding, but the audience just tried to avoid looking at it.  

"We've got a FANTASTIC show for you tonight, folks.  We're 
celebrating our tenth week on the air!  That's right, TEN weeks of 
dating mayhem.  Just goes to show you that they'll allow anything on 
the air these days!"  The audience cheered again.

"Anyway we've got TWO great contestants today who will be searching 
for the love of their dreams, someone who will truly understand all 
of their emotions and reciprocate their deep, pure feelings.  Or 
just someone to enjoy bizarre deviant sexual acts with for a night, 
all for YOUR viewing pleasure."  Jack paused, grinning, while the 
audience howled with raucous glee.

"Unfortunately, we don't have a tape of last week's date.  Well, 
actually, we do, but frankly, the most interesting thing that 
happened was Eiko throwing up on the roller coaster, and who wants 
to see that?"

"I do!" yelled one particularly sick audience member, who was 
summarily beaten into submission by those seated near him.

"And the people have spoken!  In just a moment we'll meet our first 
contestant, but first, let's bring out the delectable ladies he will 
get to choose from."  Jack whipped out a stack of bright pink index 
cards.  "Bachelorette Number One is living proof you do get a second 
chance to make a first impression.  Hey, sometimes even more than 
that!"

The audience applauded and roughly half of them ogled Number One's 
rather... tight outfit.  She didn't seem to notice as she sat on her 
stool and stared blankly at the audience.

"Bachelorette Number Two is a magical girl you truly don't want to 
piss off.  So give her a nice warm Dating Game welcome!"

The rather lethal-looking war hammer she carried, and the no-
nonsense look in her eyes quickly derailed anyone who would have 
attempted to look up Number Two's rather short skirt.

"And Bachelorette Number Three... plays the oboe."  Jack flipped 
through his cards, but couldn't seem to find anything else to say.

Number Three, a fairly ordinary-looking cute schoolgirl wearing a 
rather... brief uniform, walked out, sat, and stared at the floor.

"And now for our lucky bachelor, the man of your dreams, 
*literally*, straight from Mystery Club, Akumu!"

The young baku, dressed smartly in dark slacks and shirt, walked out 
and smiled rather shyly at the audience, who gave a collective 
awwww.  Akumu took one look at Jack and his suit, blinked, and 
fished a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket.

"So, Akumu, is it true you... eat dreams?" Jack asked, a glint in 
his eye.

"Yes, nightmares."

Jack opened his mouth, and then closed it, realizing his punchline 
was now invalid.  Frowning, he shoved Akumu a stack of index cards 
and stalked off to the corner.  "Just ask the women the damn 
questions, okay?"

Akumu glanced at the sulking host, seemingly fighting the urge to 
sweatdrop.  Finally, he sighed and looked at the cards.

"Bachelorette Number One, what would you say is your best feature?"

"my ability to obey orders without question."

"Umm... okay."  Akumu jotted something down on the card.  "Number 
Two, do you prefer-"  He cut off abruptly.

"Go on, read the question!"  Jack yelled from where he sat at the 
edge of the stage, his back to the audience.

Blushing furiously, Akumu muttered as quickly and quietly as 
possible while still being vaguely intelligible, 
"Doyouperferchocolatesauceorwhippedcream?"

Number Two frowned slightly.  "Please don't talk to me about 
anything with sugar in it."  Her voice was strained.

"Number Three," Akumu continued hurriedly, seemingly glad to move 
on.  He flipped through the cards, trying to find a somewhat 
appropriate question.  "Um... if you were ice cream, what flavor 
would you be?"

"i would be the flavor vanilla."

There was a long pause.

"Do you, ah, have any reason for your choice?"

"i enjoy the flavor vanilla."

Akumu nodded absently, and glanced behind him for help.  Jack still 
faced away from the audience, and appeared to be singing to himself.
Akumu sighed and shook his head.

"Okay, Number Two.  Hold on one moment..."  He flipped through the 
cards again, then sighed in disgust and dropped them on the floor.  
Some of the audience members booed at that (they had come to 
appreciate Jack's fine writing skills over the last few episodes) 
but Akumu ignored them.  "Number One, um, do you... have any 
hobbies?"

"there are some things that i enjoy doing more than others.  i find 
participation in the world of sports entertainment to provide 
positive stimulation."  The audience 'oooohed' at the word 
stimulation, being the foul-minded dregs of society that they were, 
but Number One didn't take any notice.

"All right," Akumu nodded.  "Number Two, tell me about your worst 
nightmare."

Number Two blushed a little.  "Well, it's a bit embarrassing.  See, 
it was about me and two of my friends-"  She was cut off by the 
whistles and howling of the gleeful audience.  Her eyebrow twitched 
and she clutched the handle of her hammer tighter.  The slightest 
shimmer of green could be seen around her.

The sounds cut immediately.

"Audience no baka..." Number Two muttered.  She took a deep breath.  
"Anyway, it was really horrible.  I mean, I tried to kill the two 
people closest to me.  But it really made me realize ho important 
they are to me, and how silly my insecurities about myself in 
regards to them are.  So I guess in a way, it was a good dream too."

The audience displayed their fickle nature by giving a nice 
collective 'awwww'.  Number Two smiled a bit shyly. Akumu nodded and 
seemed to be mulling some things over.

"Number Three," he said finally, "if you had to pick one word to 
describe yourself, what would it be?"

"i am lively.  wai."

Everyone in the room, except for Bachelorette Number One and Jack 
(who was busy trying to fold his tie into some semblance of Mr. 
Duck) sweatdropped.

"Err, ok.  I guess this is this is the last question?"  He tried a 
glance back at Jack, who smiled and gave him a thumbs-up, then 
patted the tie-folded-into-a-duck on his shoulder.  It fell off and 
collapsed into an ordinary tie at his feet.  Jack wailed and scooped 
it up, cradling it in his hands.

"Number One, what is most important to you in a relationship?"  
Akumu had apparently decided to pretend that Jack didn't exist.

"it is important to have an understanding about each other i 
believe.  and communication is good as well."  Number One nodded.

"Thank you.  Number Two, same-"

"but most importantly, he should love only you.  no one else.  
especially not some little underage whore in the making."

Akumu blinked.

"he should be able to see quite easily that you love him more than 
she does.  but no, he has to be completely blind to it."

"yes," chimed in Number Three. "he just never seems to see that you 
are the one who really cares for you.  you would think that 
completely changing yourself for him would give him a hint.  men can 
be very stupid."

"i agree."

There was a long pause.

"i have the sudden desire to go shopping and eat lots of 
cheesecake," said Number One thoughtfully.

"i do as well.  shall we?"

"yes.  we will have fun shopping and eating cheesecake."

The two girls stood, turned, and exited through the curtain.

No one spoke for five minutes.

Akumu nearly jumped out of his skin when a hand clapped down on his 
shoulder.  He whirled around, but it was only Jack.  Well, only 
wasn't probably the best word...

"Sorry, kid," Jack grinned somewhat sadly.  "But hey, sometimes the 
cookie just crumbles that way.  It's not your fault if Rei and Sumi 
had some bad experiences with other guys that have turned them away 
from men forever.  But if it makes you feel better, I have a 
cameraman following them, just in case there is any HOT YURI 
LUVLUV!"  The audience predictably cheered.

"Anyway, that leaves you with a much easier decision, right?"

"I guess.  Um, Number Two, I choose you."

"Great choice, Akumu!  Now let's meet your date, Tsugiko from the 
Starburst Crystal!"

"Big surprise," muttered Tsugiko as she stepped from behind the 
screen, trying in vain to pull down her skirt a bit.  She smiled a 
very small smile at Akumu.  "Hi."

"Hi Tsugiko."  Akumu stuck his hands in his pockets.  "Please don't 
feel bad... I would have picked you anyway."

Tsugiko brightened briefly.  "Really?"  She then sighed.  "Probably 
only because you didn't actually see what they looked like.  In my 
experience, any guy you are interested in will always like the 
pretty, bubbly, happy girl a lot more."

"Um, the other two weren't exactly happy or bubbly."  He noticed her 
battle aura was flickering in and out of existence.  "Though I 
suspect you weren't talking about them."  Tsugiko took yet another 
deep breath and nodded.  "Well, if it makes you feel better, any 
girl I like seems to be more interested in the dark, mysterious, 
totally uncaring bastard, just because he can kill all sorts of 
monsters."

There was a long pause.

"Hey, do you think we can catch up with Rei and Sumi?" Tsugiko 
asked.  "That cheesecake sounded really good."

Akumu nodded and the two hurried off through the curtain.

The audience stared.  Jack cleared his throat.  "We'll be right back 
after these messages."

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

<Shot opens on streaming green characters, ala The Matrix.  Zoom in 
to a beaten Morpheus handcuffed to a chair, while Agent Smith paces 
back and forth, preaching about the inherent ickiness in the human 
race.>

Smith: You humans are nothing more than viruses blah blah cool 
extended metaphor!

<The door suddenly opens and Other Nameless Agent enters.>

Nameless: <monotone> The mission has been called off.

Smith: But finding Zion is necessary to-

Nameless: We have found a new energy source.

Smith: <Surprised> What have you found that could possible supply 
enough energy to power the millions of immensely complex machines 
and computers that cover the surface of this planet?

<Upbeat music plays.  Nameless Agent grins absurdly, and pulls out a 
shiny, colorful can.>

Nameless: <excited> It's Sana-chan's Pure Energy Booster Wai Yummy 
Fruity Drink!  Guaranteed to send your energy levels through the 
roof and straight to the moon!  Here, try some!

<Smith takes can, drinks.  He jerks as if shot, and a large grin 
slowly spreads on his face.>

Smith: That IS good!  And fruity too!

Nameless: Made only from the finest Sana-chan extract!

Morpheus: <chiming in> With 10 essential vitamins and nutrients!

Smith: Shut up, filth! <Shoots Morpheus in the head.  To Nameless 
Agent> Well that IS good news!  I guess we don't need this stupid 
human race anymore!

<Shot switches to that of the energy-gathering towers with the 
millions and millions of pods of people.  The hum of machinery 
suddenly dies and the lights go out.  There is a massive flushing 
sound.  The Sana-chan logo appears on the screen>

Announcer: Sana-chan's Pure Energy Booster Wai Yummy Fruity Drink.  
The only power drink with more energy then the rest of the human 
race combined.

Sana VO: It's got more power than the whole human race!
         So hurry up, hurry up and put it in your face!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"Wasn't that great?" Jack crowed backstage to Anne during the 
commercial break.  "All the contestants just *walked off* in the 
middle of the show!  That's pretty damn controversial if I do say so 
myself."

"Jack, I'm trying to ask you for some help with my segment.  Will 
you please *listen* for a moment?"  Whether it was Anne's pleading 
tone or the fiery aura with mallet that got Jack to shut up was 
unclear, but shut up Jack did.

"Look, Jack, they want to can me.  They think I'm not... exciting 
enough for the show.  Can you help me come up with something so I 
don't lose my job?"

"Sure, Sis."  Jack leaned back, frowned thoughtfully.  "On one 
condition.  You have to help me get Mr. Duck back from the commies 
running this circus.  Mr. Tie just isn't cutting it."  He looked 
sadly at the pile of hot-pink silk spun from the cocoons of the 
incredibly rare species of near-sentient silkworms.  "He tried to 
strangle me earlier."

"Um, yes, Jack.  Anyway, I need something that can get some decent 
ratings.  But I need something fairly subtle.  I mean, as big as 
your usual... antics."

"Jeez Anne, you talk as though I don't know what the word 'subtle' 
means.  Yeah, I think I got something for you.  A contestant I was 
saving for a rainy day, or when I was down to absolutely nothing 
else.  If you want her, she's yours."

Anne smiled.  Underneath the craziness, her brother was a decent 
person.  And utterly predictable.  "Yeah Jack, I'll take her.  That 
will be great."

"Finally giving into those homoerotic tendencies of yours?"

*WHAM!*

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"And welcome back to the show!"  Anne plastered on her biggest 
smile, which, despite sharing the Lysias genes, was nowhere near the 
size of her brother's.  Still, the audience appreciated the effort.

"First we are going to introduce our bachelors who will be competing 
for a date with our mystery contestant!"  The mystery was, of 
course, one for her really.  "First up is a self-employed... being 
who sells really big guns and other such weapons.  Give a hand for 
Bachelor Number One!"

The audience clapped, though seemed rather puzzled as Number One... 
flapped out.  He spat out the butt of a cigar on the stage, not 
seeming to care that it was still burning or that the stage was made 
of wood.  He stared at the expressions of the people in front of 
them and blinked.  "What's your problem, ya morons?"

"Bachelor Number Two believes in friendship and taking a stand 
against evil magical forces, when he's not busy running away.  
Please give him a warm welcome."

A young, dark-haired man came out and took his seat, giving a small 
wave to the audience.  He fingered his nose and glanced around a bit 
uneasily, as if expecting some horrible creature to leap out at any 
moment rip him wide open with foot-long claws and devour all his 
internal organs in alphabetical order.  Or perhaps he just had stage 
fright.

"And our last Bachelor prides himself on being able to recite the 
scripts from 237 hentai anime word for word.  Give it up for 
Bachelor Number Three!"

The sound of eyeballs popping into cute little pink hearts echoed 
through the studio as the most bishounen being that any of them had 
ever seen walked through the curtain.  The word 'hentai' seemed to 
have totally escaped their notice.

"And now, the woman who will walk away with the heart of one of 
these men... she's bright, beautiful, and she's a close, personal 
friend of Controversial Jack."  Anne paused.  She didn't remember 
Jack having any close female friends, unless...  Anne blinked and 
scanned to the bottom of the card.  She blanched at the name she 
saw.  Then she remembered that she was trying for the highest 
ratings possible, and she grinned, one that, with intensive 
practice, could possibly one day rival her brother.  "Let's hear it 
for... MISS JANE!!!!"

Miss Jane beamed at the audience as she stepped out from behind the 
curtain, as stunningly beautiful and well dressed as ever.  Those in 
the audience who favored the female of the species were glad for 
their own bit of eye candy.

"What are you doing here, Miss Jane?" Anne whispered as the 
contestant took her seat.

"Jack paid me to be on standby as a contestant," Miss Jane whispered 
back.  "I thought it sounded like fun."

Anne nodded.  "Well, Miss Jane," she said in her normal stage-voice, 
"I guess you can start your questioning."

"Well Anne, I was wondering if I could try something different.  I 
would like the bachelors to ask me the questions, if that would be 
okay."

Anne shrugged.  "I don't see why not.  What do you think?" she asked 
the audience.  They cheered their assent.  "Go ahead."

"Okay, Number One, please ask me a question."

Number One scratched his head with a claw thoughtfully.  "Uh, what 
is your favorite color?"

Miss Jane tisked.  "Don't you have any questions that really let you 
find out what you want to know about me?"

"Uh... are you some nutso, wacked-out magical girl?"

Anne snickered.

"No, I am not," replied Miss Jane.

"Thank god."

"Bachelor Number Two?"

Number Two opened his mouth.  "How many tentacles can you *bleep* 
while *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* and *bleep*?"

The audience stared.  Several of the men, though with excellent 
visual imaginations, fainted from blood loss.  Miss Jane looked 
horrified.  "That is the most horrible thing I've ever heard!"

"I didn't say that..." said a confused Number Two.  He looked around 
frantically, searching the corners, failing to notice the smug look 
on the face of Number Three.  Anne had a good idea of what was 
happening, but for the sake of the ratings, decided to let the 
innocent suffer.  It was rather amusing anyway.

"Well, then next time, please think before you allow such horrible 
things to come out of your mouth!"

"But-"

"Number Three?"

"What is most important in the way a man treats you?"  His voice was 
liquid silk.  All the women in the audience (and a few men) swooned 
and melted into little puddles that were immediately sucked up by 
the air vents.

"Well, I want respect most of all, but I also want to be able to 
respect that person.  I guess that is true for everyone, man or 
woman.  So, mutual respect is very important to me.  As is good 
communication.  And looks.  Looks are very, very important."

"That's very interesting..."  Number Three slipped the manga he had 
been reading back into his pocket.

"Number One?"

"Hrm... shit... good question... good question... would you ever 
have sex with a large bird?"

Miss Jane blinked.  "No."

"Damnit!" said Number One and Number Two in unison.  They looked at 
each other suspiciously.

"Um, question from Bachelor Number Two?"

"If your *bleep* could reach your *bleep* and you could *bleep* 
*bleep* *bleep* *bleep*, how many hours a day would you *bleep*?"

Number Two leapt to his feet.  "I didn't say that!"

"I think we've heard quite enough from you.  I think you'd best sit 
there and consider learning to think before you speak."  Miss Jane 
harrumphed and tossed back her hair.  Seething, Number Two sat down 
with a thud.  He glared Number Three, who seemed to be smirking at 
him.

"I believe it is my turn," Number Three announced.  "My question for 
you Miss Jane is this.  Are you looking for commitment from someone 
at the moment?"

The force of an attractive male saying the word 'commitment' caused 
the people in the first three rows to spontaneously combust.

Miss Jane waited for the stagehands with the fire extinguishers to 
finish before answering.  "Not really at the moment.  I'm just 
looking to have fun for right now.  But I appreciate someone who can 
keep an eye towards the future."

Number Three didn't answer, as he was busy reading his manga again.

"I think I'm done with the questions... should I say who I want to 
pick?"

"Sure, as if we can't guess who you're going to pick," Anne 
muttered.

"I pick... Bachelor Number Three!"

The audience, or what little remained of them, clapped loudly.  
Number Three turned to Number Two and smirked.  "Too bad for you, I 
guess."

Number Two's eyes widened as he realized that Three's voice had, 
just for a moment, sounded much like his own.  "It was you, you 
little bastard!" he yelled, lunging at Three.  There was a buzzing 
sound, and Number Two suddenly slumped to the floor.  Number Three 
smiled slightly and put his tazer back in his pocket.

"And that unconscious guy being dragged out is Bachelor Number Two, 
Judou from Wings of Fate!" Anne said cheerily.  After all, having 
one bachelor zap another was certainly good for ratings.  "And let's 
hear it for Bachelor Number One, Murray from Magical Girl Hunters!"

Miss Jane somehow managed to smile at the hideous buzzard, which 
flapped out and landed on a handy mike stand.  "Sorry things didn't 
work-"

"Oh shut your crapper," Murray spat.  "I come here, put out the 
goddamn effort of trying to be a friggin' gentleman, and get screwed 
over by some speciesist bitch.  Sorry if I don't give a shit about 
what you have to say now."  He flapped off as everyone in the room 
sweatdropped.

"And, um, let's meet the guy you chose, and don't worry, he is 
human.  Say hello to Brett from Project Chibification!"

The bishounen walked out, gave a wave to the crowd, and in a very 
unbishounen-like move, glomped onto Miss Jane.  "Hi there, 
beautiful," he purred.  "You want to-"

Brett cut off very suddenly, staring at Miss Jane.  Miss Jane looked 
right back at him.  Anne watched with a small gleam in her eye.

"You seem to be missing..." Brett said slowly.  "And you seem to 
have..."  His eyes widened and he suddenly leapt back about ten 
feet.  "You're a *man*!"

Miss Jane shrugged.  "Well, you never asked if I was a woman, so I 
assumed it didn't matter to you."  Miss Jane grabbed Brett by the 
arm to drag him off stage, then caught sight of the manga in his 
pocket.  Pulling it out, she (or he) glanced at the cover, recoiled, 
and tossed it into the crowd where three middle school boys ripped 
each other to pieces trying to claim it.

"Really," sniffed Miss Jane as the pair exited the stage.  "That 
Judou seems to be a horrible influence.  People like that should be 
shot and their bodies fed to sharks piece by piece."

"Be nice to Brett, Miss Jane, he's a boy after my own heart!" Jack 
called as he came up to join his sister on stage.  "Wasn't that 
heartwarming?  Those two will be enjoying a lovely dinner for two at 
The Cheesecake Factory."

"How appropriate," muttered Anne.

"And hey, maybe they'll run into our other contestants and have a 
big orgy in the middle of the restaurant which will be caught on 
camera just for all of you to-  Hey Anne, that hurt!  Anyway, that's 
our show!  Join us next week for the naked catgirl Jello wrestling 
episode, or at least I hope so!"  

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Anyway, I hope this part makes up for starting the trend of one-
matchup episodes ^_^;  Again, I had SOOOO much fun writing this, and 
it was a good deal easier, since I started reading several more 
Impros since I wrote the last part.

And for those who didn't quite get it, in the first round, 
Bachelorette Number One was Rei Ayanami from Ultra, and Number Three 
was Sumi from H! Flash.  Thanks to Phoebe, Kate, and Ravi for 
prereading, and to Phoebe for the idea of adding a little rap at the 
end of the commercial.  As usual, comments and stuff go to 
lady_brick@yahoo.com  Wai!  Done!  ^_^