#####

     "So, am I in?"
     The production assistant scrutinized her clipboard.  "Well, the full
ratings aren't in from all markets for last week yet, and we still need to
take into account sponsor reactions and of course..."
     Anne slammed her fist into the wall right next to the assistant's
head, making her flinch.  "Am.  I.  In?"
     "Y-yes!  Yes, of course!"  She looked down at the clipboard
again.  "In fact, from preliminary ratings, you actually got a better
response than Jack last week.  Something about him being uncommonly
sedate.  And our analysts predict a spike in female viewership during the
date recap this week.  Something about, er... 'hot pseudoyaoi luvluv
action' was the term used, I believe."
     "Huh.  I guess he helped out more than I thought.  I'll have to get
something nice for him.  And Miss Jane.  And probably Brett, too."  She
considered this for a moment.  "Nah.  He, at least, deserved it."
     "Um... so we're going to be keeping you on for the second half of the
show tonight.  Jack will still be hosting the first half, as usual.  If we
can get him out of his dressing room."
     "Oh, no.  What's wrong this time?"
     "We're not sure.  He keeps on murmuring to himself, when he isn't
yelling at someone in there with him.  Only we're sure nobody else has
gone in or out."
     "You haven't given Mr. Duck back to him, have you?"
     "No, not at all.  I'm not even sure where we're keeping it... him.
     "Great.  Now I'll have to..."
     "Anne..."
     Anne turned at the whimpering, pathetic, all-too-familiar voice.  Her
brother was crouched by her feet, and he had grabbed onto the hem of her
jacket, looking up at her pleadingly.  He was a wreck.  His hair was
mussed, his eyes bore large bags, and he was wearing a 'Kiss Me, I'm
Alpha-Centaurian' bottlecap on a chain around his neck.  His tie, folded
into a crude origami duck, was perched on his shoulder.
     "Anne... you have to help me."  He looked around furtively, then rose
slightly to lean closer to her ear.  "It's Mr. Tie.  He's trying to kill
me."
     "Your tie.  Your tie is trying to kill you."
     "I didn't mind when he tried to strangle me on stage last week.  I
thought it was just a lark, youthful impetuousness.  Just like when you
would bury me in the sand and leave me there for weeks on end when we were
kids.  That was fun, remember?"  His eyelid started twitching.  "But
then... things got worse.  Silkworms in my food.  Little towers of
threatening matchsticks.  And the things he whispers at night... I think
he's trying to turn the socks against me.  And after that, it's a short
step to the pants, Anne, the pants!"
     Anne sighed.  "Jack, you're delusional again.  Not that this is
anything shocking."
     "But Anne!  It's... it's like he's the opposite of everything
Mr. Duck ever stood for!  The positron to his electron, the Orochi to his
Kusanagi, the Republicrat Party to his Ventura/Nader ticket!  He could be
anywhere!"
     "He's on your shoulder."
     "GAAH!"  Jack jumped back and fell onto his rear, staring in horror
at the tie on his shoulder.  "Why, aheh, hello, Mr. Tie!  Didn't see you
there..."  He scrambled to his feet and grabbed Anne by the lapels.  "Save
me!" he hissed.
     Anne sighed.  "Look, if it'll make you happy, I'll take care of
'Mr. Tie' while you're on stage tonight.  Okay?"
     "Really?"  Jack's eyes shone with hope.  "You'll really do that for
me?  After all the things I've done to you?  Really?"
     "Really, Jack."  She plucked the tie from his shoulder.  "Now go out
there and... do whatever it is you do."
     "Yes!"  Jack straightened up and pumped a fist in the air.  "Jack's
back, baby, and no stupid little bit of silk is going to stop him from
doing what he does best!  Er, no offense, Mr. Tie."
     Anne shook her head as she watched him walk on stage.  Then she
tossed the tie off to one side and headed off towards her dressing
room.  Being the responsible one, she reflected, got really annoying.
     The production assistant remained huddled against the wall for a
while, until she was certain the chaos had died down.  With a final,
skittish glance at Mr. Tie, she scurried off to help the camera crews with
their last minute adjustments.
     And Mr. Tie...
     ...just sat there.
     For now.
     Well, until the janitorial staff picked him up about halfway through
the show, anyway.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Working Title Fiction Presents:

THE IMPRODATING GAME

Created by Delfina and Stephica

This Part By Scott Johnson

Part 11: Third Impressions

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

     "HELLOOOOO, SPRINGFIELD!  Or New York!  Or Oz!  Or whatever the heck
town this is... what?  Tokyo?  Never heard of it."
     The crowd roared regardless, reaching a .75 on the Ultra Scale, where
.01 is the average city street, .50 is a shuttle launch at close range,
and 1.0 is a standard MTCFF Ultra opening cheer.  Descriptions are
somewhat superfluous at this volume, and more to the point, they've all
been done before.
     So suffice it to say they were loud.
     "Welcome to another exciting edition of Impro's one and only game
show, where contestants risk life, limb, and sanity in front of an
audience in order to achieve brief moments of carnal and/or romantic bliss
-- and that's just during the recap segments.  To get to that stage,
though, they've got to risk total humiliation in front of you, the
viewers, live, right here!"  The crowd's roar kicked it up a notch.
     "Now, unfortunately, the producers did not go for my idea of a naked
catgirl Jello wrestling episode, for which I strongly encourage you all to
send them letter bombs and fragile vials of anthrax.  However, we do have
a theme episode for you this week!  And what a theme!  It's so wild, so
amazing, so utterly out of control, that I have no idea whatsoever what it
is!  So you're all going to have to suffer in ignorance with me until
someone manages to guess it!
     "But before we get to that, it's time to take another look at last
week's  winners!  As you'll recall, not only did both our lucky couples
end up heading to that techno-industrial palace of confectionery goodness,
the Cheesecake Factory, but they were on a collision course with Rei of
MTCFF Ultra and Sumi of H! Flash, who'd gone there to be monotonically
hyperactive together.  Now, let's take a look at our footage, and see if
our cameraman actually survived the fireworks!"  Jack gestured to the
monitor overhead, and the cameras zoomed in as the display changed...

#####

     "you are too good for him, indeed.  you deserve better."
     "yes," Rei agreed, her face utterly deadpan as she dug into her fifth
slice of plain cheesecake.  "but i love him still.  we are destined to be
together.  we will be happy and cheerful forever and raise many small
children and puppies after i lay the smack down on the infernal harlot who
has done such wrong to us and consign her to eternal torment and
ickyness."
     Sumi, equally poker-faced, finished her sixth slice of cheesecake
with whipped cream and started on her seventh.  "it is a fine plan.  and
then perhaps you should punish him for his infidelities.  there are many
interesting ways to punish such a shameful man.  perhaps i could lend you
some whips."
     "wai."
     "yes.  wai."
     The patrons at a nearby table were watching with morbid
fascination.  "You know," Tsugiko commented, "up until now I'd been
worrying that I got a little obsessive at times.  They sort of put it in
perspective, though."
     "It's an interesting approach they're taking," Akumu noted.  "I've
never heard of anyone drowning their sorrows in cheesecake before."  He
turned back to Tsugiko, taking another bite of his strawberry
cheesecake.  "Anyway, what happened next?"
     "That's about it, really.  After the big breakdown, she got me in a
hug and tried to comfort me, and then we all sort of bubbled back to
consciousness.  End of dream."  She picked idly at her nearly untouched
mint cheesecake.  "So, you're the dream expert.  What's it all mean to
you?"
     "It all sounds pretty straightforward to me, really.  You've got a
thing for this one friend.  You're jealous of the other because she gets
everything you want.  And you've got a bit of a self-esteem problem
sometimes because you think it's wrong for you to be jealous like that."
     Tsugiko shifted uncomfortably.  "I guess.  I mean, I do feel like I'm
being kind of petty about all this.  But I just feel like... well, can't I
be the one to get the guy for once?  I mean, once in my entire life?"
     "Hey, it's a perfectly valid complaint.  And I mean, you've got to
seize the chances you get.  No telling when you could be, say, possessed
by some supernatural mist spirit that eats your bone marrow and tries to
kill the one you're in love with.  Happens every day.  And you wouldn't
want to leave half your life undone when it happens."
     "Er, right."
     Long silence.
     "You know, you should really try that cheesecake," Akumu said.  "This
place really does a good job."
     "I dunno.  I've sort of gone off sugary sweets lately.  Guilt by
association, I guess."
     "Oh."
     Another long silence.
     "Say, wasn't there supposed to be another couple showing up with us?"
     "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HELP!!!!"
     The kitchen doors slammed open, letting through a rather tattered,
soggy, and crazed Brett.  Tattered because his clothes were in shreds,
leaving him just the barest hint of decency.  Soggy because someone had
drizzled the blueberry, strawberry, and chocolate sauces all over him, and
topped them with whipped cream and a cherry.
     "Tch.  I thought you *liked* this sort of thing."
     Crazed because of the sultry figure of Miss Jane, leaning in the
kitchen doorway and looking at him with complete amusement.  Brett dove
under Tsugiko and Akumu's table, trying to wrap the tablecloth around
him.  "In the name of all that's hentai, how'd you get that idea?"
     "That's just it.  I'll admit I didn't care for the idea at first, and
I'm sure that any minute now I'll regain my senses and be disgusted enough
to sic rabid dogs on you, but with all the manga and other... interesting
things you had on you, I just kept on getting ideas.  That was a lovely
cel of Nuriko and Fish Eye, by the way."
     "THAT WASN'T MINE!"
     "Oh, don't change the subject.  Anyway, it's a bit forward for me,
but Jack encouraged me to keep the controversy going, and, well, why
not?  I'll try anything once."  Jane reached under the table and dragged
Brett out by what was left of his collar.  "Sorry for the
inconvenience," Jane smiled to the stunned diners.  "Please, carry
on."  And with that, she dragged the whimpering and protesting Brett back
into the kitchen.
     "...that was disturbing," Akumu managed.
     "...that was bizarre," Tsugiko said.
     "that was highly amusing," Rei said.
     "that was very stimulating," Sumi added.
     "wai."
     "yes.  wai."

#####

     "Well, what do you say, ladies?"
     The female half of the audience let out a standard high-decibel
cheer, one that could have come from the opening of just about any Ultra
segment, only slightly higher pitched.
     "Thought so," Jack smirked.  "Not enough death, destruction, or tax
evasion for my tastes, but that's life.  Incidentally, our camera crew did
manage to get some shots of what was going on in the kitchen between Brett
and Miss Jane after that tape ended, including the results of that Spanish
Oyster cheesecake I slipped Jane, and copies will be available at the gift
shop or on the IDG website to any female with proof of age.  Reserve your
copies now."
     He paused for a moment to let the stampede subside.
     "And now, let's get on with what the rest of you have been waiting
for!  The one, the only, Impro Dating Game!  Let's meet our first
contestants!
     "Bachelorette Number One is sometimes called the wilder half of
Impro's own version of the Dirty Pair!  Mind you, I'm the only one who
calls her that, but that's 'cause you guys wouldn't recognize a decent
analogy if it bit you on the thorax.  Her interests include old movies,
target practice, and really excessive force.  My kind of
woman!"  Bachelorette Number One strutted onto the stage, waving happily
and mugging for the cameras.
     "Bachelorette Number Two is a fan of all things cute, pink, and
shoujo, to the point of psychosis.  She's living poster girl for
do-it-yourself Weird Science and the target of more than one cute-obsessed
otaku -- and if any of you are in the audience tonight, just remember that
we've got cattle prods at the ready."  Bachelorette Number Two bounced on,
grinning wildly and waving both arms at blur-inducing speeds.  It only
took her three tries to jump into her chair.
     "And our final young lady is coming to us all the way from the United
States of America.  She's got magic powers, and she knows how to use them
to beat up on silly monsters with embarrassing names.  Fighting evil by
moonlight, taking exams by daylight, she is the one named Bachelorette
Number Three!"  The 
     "And now, let's introduce today's lucky contestant, or poor bastard,
whichever you prefer.  He's a native of Japan coming to us by way of the
mystic city of Farpoint.  He's recently deceased, but don't think that's
affected his love life any, eh, ladies?"  He waggled his eyebrows at the
audience.  "A sorcerer, a troublemaker, and a text-adventure protagonist,
let's give it up for Okayama Keigo!"

*****

> OUT

You step out from the wings and into the harsh glare of the spotlights.

On Stage

This corner of the stage is divided from the remainder by a small
partition that blocks any view of the bachelorettes beyond.  In this
section, a rather uncomfortable-looking chair has been set up facing the
audience, and a large monitor hangs overhead, currently displaying the IDG
logo.  Past the glare of the spotlights and the cameras, you can make out
a rather large crowd cheering for you.

Controversial Jack is here, grinning broadly at you.

>LOOK AT CROWD

Jack blinks.  "Hey, what...?"

You can barely make out the crowd past the spotlights, but you can make
out a few vaguely familiar refugees from Infocom -- a dornbeast here, a
couple of the Flatheads there, and a small party of grues hiding in the
shadows under the bleachers and holding up 'I'm a carnivorous man-eating
Dan Fan!' signs.  Obviously here to offer moral support.

>LOOK AT JACK

Controversial Jack is a man of many opinions and little taste.  His suit
is in colors that have never been seen outside of a H.P. Lovecraft story,
and the best thing that can be said about his hair is that you can drill
through plaster with the spikes.  He seems very manic, and vaguely
uncomfortable.

Jack frowns.  "What the heck are you doing?"

>LOOK AT CHAIR

Perfectly ordinary uncomfortable studio chair.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa.  What the hell's going on here?"

*****

     Jack stormed into the backstage area.  "Okay, there is something
seriously weird going on out there, and it's giving me a migraine.  I'm
not budging until someone fesses what's going on.  Dig?"
     The producer looked at him.  "What on earth are you talking about?"
     "That guy out there!  He's doing stuff with weird spiky things in
front of them, and acting in all capitals, and I think he's thrown the
whole show into present tense, too."
     The producer sighed.  "Yes, Jack.  He's from one of the experimental
impros.  Specifically, one designed to act like a classic text
adventure.  You know, like Zork?"
     "What kind of language is that for a young lady like you?  I ought to
wash your mouth out with Crisco."
     "No, you bloody idiot, Zork.  As in the classic underground
adventure?  I don't know why I even bother."
     "Okay, okay, so tell me why I should bother putting up with this Zarf
stuff and this splitting headache instead of just going out there and
getting Renaissance on that guy's burro?"
     "Because our research shows viewers will react favorably to the
innovation, and because we've used his presence to get lucrative contracts
with a few new sponsors."
     "...and?"
     She sighed.  "And because it ought to make us enough money to get
Mr. Duck cable TV access."
     "Deal."  Jack spun around and marched back on stage.
     The producer watched him go, rubbing her temples.  "I swear, that man
deliberately makes his headaches contagious."

*****

Jack walks back on stage, grinning broadly at you.  "Well, Keigo m'boy, I
have to admit I'm still torn between praising you for being so
controversial and smacking you silly for giving me a headache, but I'm
being bribed crassly to keep you in good shape, so I'm cool if you
are.  Let's get this show on the road!"  The audience roars.

> WALK AROUND SCREEN

Controversial Jack blocks your path.  "Ah-ah-ah, no peeking at the lovely
ladies until your round's over!"  Someone in the audience snickers at the
word 'lovely.'

> SIT IN CHAIR

You take a seat.  Jack grins and launches into his routine
again.  "Right!  Now, we've got the girls, we've got the guy, we've got a
splitting headache from this parser crap, we've got the guns, we've got
the money, so are we READY for some ULTRAVIOLENT ULTRA-LOVIN'?!?"

> NO

Jack says, "That was a rhetorical question."

The crowd chimes in with a hearty "WORK WITH HIM, KEIGO!"

> SWEATDROP

You express your bemusement in an appropriately anime manner.

[You have gained 1 point!]

Jack just laughs.  "I see we've got the Ultra crowd out in force tonight."

> INVENTORY

You are carrying:

    a silver pendant (worn)
    pocky
    a gold amulet (wrapped around the wrist)
    a stack of cards

> EXAMINE CARDS

You flip through the cards.  Each one has a question printed on it, but
most of them are a bit on the unusual side.  You count four that might
constitute felonies, three that would certainly get you slapped, two and a
half that would be impossible in a Euclidian universe, and one Zen koan.

> SORT CARDS

You sort the questions into some sort of order, with those that would
probably be safe to ask at the front.  (It's a depressingly short
section.)

> TEAR CARDS

Wisely, you rip the cards into shreds and discreetly dispose of the
remains.  It's probably a far better idea to think of your own questions.

[You have gained 1 point!]

Jack arches an eyebrow at you.  "Oh, a wise guy, huh?  I slave away over a
hot typewriter for hours on end, working my fingers to the bone, no
respect around here, I swear...  Okay, okay, what's your first question?"

> ASK BACHELORETTE ABOUT ICE CREAM

[Which bachelorette do you mean, Bachelorette Number One, Bachelorette
Number Two, or Bachelorette Number Three?]

> ONE

"My favorite flavor?  I don't know," Bachelorette Number One drawls.  "It
depends on the situation.  When I'm kicking back with some old chick
flick, chocolate chocolate chip all the way.  On the other hand, after I
get back from a big shootout or a chase, I want something with a bit more
zip.  Peppermint, maybe, or -- no, I've got it, double mocha and mint
pecan crunch!  Only ever had it once, but man, it's a taste you don't
forget."

>TWO AND THREE, TELL ME ABOUT HOBBIES

"My hobbies?" Bachelorette Number Two replies.  "Ano, I really, really
like anime.  I haven't watched much lately, though.  It's too much like my
life now, and I've been running away from bad people a lot, too.  It's so
sad!"

Bachelorette Number Three says, "Well, I don't have much spare time
between my classes and saving the world from evil every so often.  Most of
the time when I want to relax I just hang out at the local coffee
house.  But come to think of it, hunting evil monsters who suck the life
out of people in order to increase their own foul powers has a certain fun
element to it -- I mean, even when it's unpleasant, there's still the
adrenaline rush, the thrill of doing good, that sort of thing."

> ASK THREE AND ONE ABOUT FRIENDS

"Well, I guess my closest friend would have to be my boyfriend."  The
crowd hoots like a degenerate troop of mandrills or Jerry Springer fans at
Bachelorette Number Three's response.

"A-ha!" Jack exclaims.  "Doing a little dabbling on the side, eh?  Don't
worry, we won't tell your boyfriend you're here.  Well, in exchange for a
little hush money, of course."

"It's not like that!"  No doubt she's blushing furiously.  "We're both big
fans of the show, and when the invitation came, we talked it over and
decided I should go for it.  It's good publicity for our series, and
anyway, half the dates on this show are perfectly platonic anyway.  We
figured I could enjoy it if it was, and knock the block of anyone who
tries to turn it otherwise.

"Anyway, other than my boyfriend, there's this nice transfer student who
I've been showing the ropes, and this mysterious masked vigilante who's
been helping us out with the monsters lately.  They seem like good people,
though there's something about both of them that makes me a little wary."

Bachelorette Number One says, "Well, my only real close pal is probably my
wingman.  Well, wing-woman, anyway.  Sure, she's kind of a killjoy
sometimes, but I'm a darned good bad influence on her.  I tell ya, it's
just a matter of time before she cracks and really cuts loose.  Gonna be
fun to watch when it happens."

> ASK TWO ABOUT DESERT ISLAND

"Ano, if I were stranded on a desert island, I'd want to take my Sailor
Moon manga, and all my Fushigi Yuugi tapes, and a VCR and a TV, oh, and a
power source to play them on, and maybe a real bishounen, and..."  You
glaze over as Bachelorette Number Two recites an amazing litany of
anime-related items.  Finally, just as you're getting ready to keel over,
she finishes with, "...and a real helicopter piloted by Haruka-sama so I
could get home when I was done."

Jack blinks, coming out of a trance.  "Is it over?  Is it actually
over?"  He shakes his head.  "Right, that ate up time like nobody's
business, so we've got one last question to go.  Make it a good one."

> ASK ALL BACHELORETTES ABOUT PERFECT DATE

Bachelorette Number One considers.  "Well, probably we'd start with a
drink or five somewhere, and dancing.  After that, depends.  If you're
good at it, a little dogfight to let off steam would be great.  Or a
movie, long as I get to pick it.  Round it all off with dinner, maybe a
nightcap if you've been good."  The audience, predictably, roars.

"Oh, that's an easy question!" Bachelorette Number Two exclaims.  "We'd
watch anime all day and all night and all day again!  I really really
liked Fushigi Yuugi and Sailor Moon -- have you ever seen them -- oh,
you've got to see them, they're so kawaii and funny and romantic and wai
and..."

"Okay, okay, breathe, girl, breathe," Jack interjects.  "Let's save the
hyperactivity for later."

Bachelorette Number Three says, "Well, it depends -- with my boyfriend or
with you?  With you, it wouldn't be anything too serious -- probably just
dinner and a movie somewhere.  My boyfriend... well, we'd meet at the
coffee house where he works.  Then we'd go for dinner at some fancy
restaurant -- he loves to surprise me -- and then a long walk in the park
under the moonlight, talking quietly, or just enjoying each others'
presence."  Half the audience sighs romantically.  "Then, of course, we'd
probably get attacked by some soul-draining monster and have to transform
into our hero forms and kill it messily with my powers, but that always
happens.  I'm used to it by now."

She pauses.  "Is it just me, or does anyone else sense some sort of
soul-devouring evil?"  The grues in the audience try to look
inconspicuous.

Jack cuts in.  "Okay, that's all the time we have for the question and
answer segment, so it's time to start picking one and putting the other
two out of their misery. Parser-boy, you think good and hard about it
while we go to commercial, and hopefully by the time we get back we'll be
ready for the fireworks."

#####

[An image of a modern tower computer, sleek and impressive.]

Top-of-the-line PC with 900 MHz Pinnacle processor: $1,499.97

[Biff Standard standing proudly in front of a box of software.  Pretty
Sammy glowers in the background.]

Standard(TM) OS 2000 (Full Version): $159.99

[A close up of the monitor, playing the latest first-person shooter.]

15" monitor: $249.99

Neo-Gosunkugi(TM) 3D Accelerator Card: $149.99

MTCFF Deathmatch(TM): $79.99

[The monitor suddenly explodes and starts spewing blue smoke.]

Therapy bills when your precious system dies under the strain: $1,499.99

[Dan sitting in a darkened room, tapping at a keyboard as text glows on
the screen.

The fifty-three complete games of Interactive Fiction Contest 2000: Free.

The hardware needed to play them: $2.00 on eBay.

[Dan types > KILL TROLL WITH TAUNT]

The thrill of adventure: priceless.

There are some things money can't buy.  Thank goodness.

IF: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

#####

"And we're back!"  Jack walks over to you and puts a hand on your
shoulder.  "Okay, we're just about ready for the final decision.  Made
your choice, son?  Or are you going to need some extra time to waffle
worse than Hiroshi used to?  Make up your mind so I can skip this joint
and go grab dinner."

> GIVE POCKY TO JACK

"Nah, I never touch the stuff.  Causes rats in laboratory cancers, you
know."

> PLUGH

A hollow voice says, "Fool."

Jack's voice says, "I heard that."

> SAVE

[Game saved.]

"Ah ah ah.  We'll have none of that, thank you."

[Game ripped off your hard drive and eaten with salt and paprika by
Jack.  Isn't that physically impossible?]

> CHOOSE BACHELORETTE NUMBER THREE

"Thank goodness that's over."  Bachelorette Number Three, a blonde
American girl with a wholesome look to her, steps out from around the
partition.  "Kelly Tyler.  Nice to meet you -- hey."  She stops dead in
her tracks and looks at you suspiciously.  "You wouldn't happen to be some
soulless undead sorcerer who kills people and drains the life out of them
to fuel his unholy magic, would you?"

> UNDO

[Going back one move.]

Jack blinks.  "Hey, what?"

> CHOOSE BACHELORETTE NUMBER ONE

Jack shakes his head to clear it.  "Okay, I'm allowing that, but only
because it's controversial as heck.  Try it again and I'll rip your spleen
out, though.

"Anyway, let's meet our runners-up first this time, so you can't pull any
more funny stuff.  Bachelorette Number Two, hailing from Project
Chibification, is none other than the girl whose SDness is rotting her
brain, Katie!"

"WAI!"  A small, pudgy form rockets out from around the screen and glomps
you around the waist.  "I'm sorry you didn't pick me but it's okay because
I know you're really a good person and I can drown my sorrows in anime and
the SD isn't rotting my brain really and --"

> REMOVE KATIE

You gently pry Katie off of you.  Jack shepherds her less-than-gently off
stage.

"Bachelorette Number Three is coming to us from another production of the
fine studios that bring us this show, Tuxedo America.  Like you didn't
already know it.  Give it up for Kelly Tyler, also known as Solaris, also
known as the girl you picked but then didn't because of your little
metafictional tricky tricks."

A rather cute blonde American girl steps around the screen, looking
confused at Jack's introduction.  "Um, hi.  No hard feelings, I
guess."  She pauses a moment, and looks at you strangely.

> SHAKE KELLY'S HAND

She accepts the handshake rather awkwardly, and walks off stage.

"And finally, the woman you've all been waiting for, hailing from Working
Title's Dogfighter Gospel, it's Second Lieutenant Kassidy St. Claire!"

Kassidy St. Claire, grinning, walks around the screen and gives you a
jaunty wave.

[You have gained 3 points!]

> LOOK AT KASSIDY

Kassidy is a rather attractive young woman, dressed in a somewhat rumpled
flightsuit that she still carries off incredibly well.  Her wild mane of
hair is mostly blonde, with a bright red streak near the front.  Her
movements are quick and self-assured, and she looks to be in a good mood.

Jack smacks his forehead.  "I've got it!  I just figured out the theme to
the episode!  I can't believe how incredibly obvious it was."

> SAY "THIRD IMPACT"

Jack blinks.  "Well, yeah, I guess you all did come from Third Impact
impros... but no, that's not what I meant."

Kassidy says, "Maybe the fact that all our names started with the letter
'k?'"

"No, no, no.  It's obvious!  This week's theme was 'one guy and three
girls!'"

Kassidy blinks.  "That's a theme?"

"Hey, for this show, it's an incredibly rare occurrence."

"...point taken."

"Anyway, let's see where our lucky, lucky couple will be going this
time..."  Jack takes a clipboard from an assistant off-stage and flips
through it.  "Looks like they've got a romantic trip to the Great
Underground Empire, home of more of the old Infocom games than I really
want to think about.  Sigh as you go over romantic Aragain Falls in a
rubber raft!  Thrill as you solve puzzles and collect treasures from
totally random locations!  Slaver as your light source fails and you get
devoured by grues!  It's all yours, along with a romantic dinner for two
by lantern-light atop famed Flood Control Dam #3, courtesy of the Frobozz
Magic Vacation Company!"  Jack hands you a brass lantern and a brochure.

> EXAMINE BROCHURE

A colorful pamphlet extolling the virtues of various tourist vistas in the
Great Underground Empire, cheerfully explaining how really very few
tourists are even maimed there each year, much less killed.  It fails to
fill you with confidence.

> EXAMINE LANTERN

A battery-powered brass lantern, currently turned off.

> ASK JACK FOR BATTERY

Jack sighs and digs a battery out of his back pocket.  "There goes the
footage for 'When Grues Attack,'" he mutters, tossing you the battery.

[Your score has gone up 1 point!]

> KASSIDY, FOLLOW ME

She grins.  "You got it, short stuff."

> BACKSTAGE

You walk off the stage, with Kassidy close behind you.  Back on stage, you
can hear Jack introducing the mid-show commercial break.

Backstage

This area is cluttered with props, ropes, and workers trying to get the
show produced in a big hurry.  A small gap leads out onto the stage, while
other paths through the backstage area lead north, northwest, and
southwest.

A producer is here, looking rather frazzled.

Kassidy is following you.

> SCORE

You have scored 6 points out of a possible 13.

This gives you the rank of Lovelorn Fool.

> SAVE

[Game saved.]

> QUIT

C:\GAMES\IMPRO\WTF\IDG>


#####

In the year 788 GUE, there were 27,934 companies in the Great Underground
Empire.

27,933 of them were part of FrobozzCo.  (The rutabaga farm wouldn't sell
out until the next year.)

We've only grown since then.

FrobozzCo is dedicated to bringing you the best of everything you can
imagine -- and imagining the things you can't.  From the Frobozz Magic
Aardvark Company to the Frobozz Magic Zwieback Company, we have a
subsidiary for every need.

Our research thaumaturgists create an average of sixteen entirely new
spells every year, and countless new applications for old ones.  Our
scientists and engineers have spun off two hundred and seventy new
departments this year alone (including the Frobozz Magic Collapsable Llama
Company and the highly acclaimed Frobozz Magic Pikachu Detector
Company).  Our acquisitions lawyers acquire every hint of competition
within our area, sometimes before the competitors even think about
competing.

We have been official purveyors to both the Flathead Dynasty and Infocom,
Inc. (later acquired and renamed the Frobozz Magic Text Adventure
Company).  We outperform Acme, Inc. and GENOM in every field of
comparison.

So whether you're looking for grue repellent or baking pans, roller
coasters or alligator shoes, think FrobozzCo.  We're your first, last, and
only option.

FrobozzCo: You name it, we do it.

(This commercial presented by the Frobozz Magic Advertising Company.)

#####

     "And we're back."  Anne Lysias stepped out on stage to the cheers of
the crowd.  "And I'd just like to say to everyone who had to sit through
that last round of my brother's rambling... I feel your pain."  She smiled
as the crowd laughed, applauded and cheered.  She'd never been a master at
working the crowd, but it was getting easier.
     "In any case, welcome back to this Impro Dating Game special, which,
contrary to what Jack may have thought, is in fact our Third Impact
special.  These fresh young stories have been around long enough to
establish their characterizations and get fan followings, and so we're
giving them the spotlight to themselves this episode.  And to that end let
me introduce our next contestant.  She's a weaver of time and the spirit
of an entire country, on a seemingly doomed quest to save it.  From Gates
of Time, let's welcome Yumina!"
     The pale young woman, with hair of gold and gown of silver, smiled to
Anne and the audience as she took her seat.  "Hello, Anne.  It's a
pleasure to be here."
     "A pleasure to have you.  How's the quest going?"
     "Poorly.  I've managed to warp things to the point where Averny is a
pizza delivery boy and Daric is a fry cook, but the two of them still kill
each other in a turf war over franchise rights.  And I think Beliel's got
his hooks into the local okonomiyaki stand somehow.  Let's face it, I
really need a break from all this."
     "Well, that's the point of the game.  Choose well, and hopefully
you'll have a relaxing, peaceful time with your date."  The audience
snickered, but Anne quickly silenced them with a glare.
     "Now, there's just one thing we've got to get clear before the round
starts," Anne said.  "I understand that you've got all sorts of powers to
edit history and make things turn out the way you like them.  Fine,
whatever, but you're not using them on this show, okay?  Things are
confusing enough already."
     "Now, there's just one thing we've got to get clear before the round
starts," Anne said.  "I understand that you've got all sorts of powers to
edit history and make things turn out the way you like them.  Well, the
producers think adding a gimmick like that would help out the ratings
somehow, so they want you to go wild using them.  Got it?"
     Yumina smiled.  "Much better."
     "Better than what?"
     "Skip it.  Are the bachelors ready?"
     "They'd better be.  Let's see who we've got."  Anne cleared her
throat and looked at the cards in her hand.  "Our first guest is
apparently a dark master of *ahem* 'funk--'" *handjive* "'--and EVIL!'
He's one bad mother--"
     "Shut your mouth!" Yumina interjected.
     "I'm just talking about Bachelor Number One."
     "I can dig it."
     Bachelor Number One, resplendent in his best tacky disco robes,
strutted on stage.  "Hey there, foxy ladies," he said in a smooth voice
heavy on the bass.  "You ready to bow down and worship before the ultimate
sex god that is me?"  Yumina frowned.
     Bachelor Number One, resplendent in his best tacky disco robes,
strutted on stage.  "Hey there, ladies," he said in a smooth voice heavy
on the bass.  "Lookin' forward to showing you all just what a funky guy
like me can do for you all."  He flashed an arrogant but handsome grin to
the ladies in the audience, causing a few of the more easily-impressed
ones to swoon.
     "Right," Anne said.  "Our second contestant is also an evil
henchman.  A summoner from a mystic realm, please welcome Bachelor
Number--"
     "Wait a second," the contestant in question said.  "'Bachelor?'  I'm
not a bachelor.  A bachelorette, maybe, but..."
     "What?"  Anne groaned.  "Look, I don't know who you are, but we sent
the invitation out to a male.  We checked all the archives to make sure of
it.  Serves a dark queen, summons bizarre monsters to beat up on the
heroes, male, and..."  Anne groaned.  "Wait a second.  You've got a twin
brother, don't you?"
     "Yes, but... oh!  The invitation was for him?  Well then, why didn't
you address it to him in the first place?"
     "We did!  It's just--  Never mind.  Do you think you can go and get
him before the end of the show?"
     "Of course!  After all, it's not like there's many other
options.  It's not like I could date a woman, now, could I?  Who'd want
that?"
     "I refuse to dignify that with a response.  Just go and get him while
we handle the rest of the show.  Bachelor Number Three is a shy college
student in his waking life, but he's got big, big dreams.  Let's make him
feel welcome, okay?"  The student in question walked timidly on stage,
blinking in the spotlights and looking at the crowd with growing
unease.  He took his seat as quietly as possible.
     "All right, Yumina, time for you to take over.  You've got two out of
three to choose from for the moment, so hopefully that'll make things a
bit easier.  Ready for your first question?"
     "I think so.  This is for Bachelor Number One.  What's with
that--" *handjive* "-- stuff?"
     "You mean my Handjive of Funk--" *handjive* "--and EVIL?"
     "Yes, that."
     "It's just this funky thing I do.  Shows how cool and totally EVIL I
am, dig?"
     "Er, right."  Yumina shook her head.  "Moving on... Bachelor Number
Three, if I were a desert island, what flavor of ice cream would be the
first to be voted off by a millionaire's big brother?"  She paused.  "Did
Jack write these questions?"
     "Afraid so," Anne replied.  "We really need the ratings, so if you
don't mind...?"
     "I can live with it.  Anyway, Number Three, what's your answer?"
     "Um... well, I'm, um, not entirely sure I understood the
question...  If it has to do with which flavor people wouldn't like... um,
maybe butter pecan?  I really don't know, I'm sorry."
     "It's okay.  Probably as coherent an answer as anyone could get to
that one.  Let's see, Number Two's still not here yet, right?  Okay, then
this next one's for both of you.  What do you look for in a
relationship.  Number One?"
     "That's easy, babe.  I look for a foxy little lady who'll worship my
every funky move, and won't mind all the other chick I got hangin' off
me.  Big plus if she's got powers of Funk--" *handjive* "--and EVIL, or if
she's up for a little girl-girl action with my other babes."  The audience
hooted raucously.
     "That's easy, babe.  I want a girl who'll go for long nights of disco
dancing and moonlit walks, and time alone in my own private love nest,
just her and me, sweet talkin' till dawn and grooving with each
other.  Wouldn't hurt if she wanted to help take over the world, but hey,
I'm flexible."  A few of the more easily-impressed audience members
sighed.
     "Probably that's the best I can get from him.  Number Three?"
     "Ah, I think that open communication is important for a good
relationship.  And, um, trust.  But personally, what I'd like most is
someone I can just talk to about anything.  There's really not much I like
more than a good philosophical debate with someone who really understands
what I'm talking about, and is willing to listen with an open mind if I'll
do the same."
     "Nice," Yumina nodded, making a note on her card.  "A bit bland, but
nice."
     There was a thumping and crashing backstage, as of someone
materializing a few feet off the ground and falling into a pile of
cardboard boxes.  "Am I late?  Did I miss it?"
     "And it sounds like Bachelor Number Two just showed up," Anne
noted.  We'll wait for a moment while he gets his bearings."
     Number Two poked his head on stage.  "Sorry I'm late,
everyone.  There was something of a mix up with my sister, and then those
meddling kids showed up again and we had to try to stop them, and then we
had to run away when our monster turned on us and... it was just a
mess.  Anyway, I'm here now."  The silver-haired bishounen took a seat.
     "Good to hear from you, Bachelor Number Two.  Now, my question for
you is this: if you were an animal, what animal would you be?"
     "Ah, a good one.  Thinking about it, I'm not certain I'd be any
single animal.  It's all in the mix, after all.  I have the grace of a
cat, the speed of a cheetah, the loyalty of a hound, the power of a
soaring hawk, and the ruthlessness of a maddened whatchamacallit."
     "...a maddened *what?*"
     "No, a maddened whatchamacallit."
     "I won't ask.  Okay, let's see.  Let's get a question for everybody
now.  All of you, if you were any building in the world, which would you
be?  Number One?"
     "I'd be a dark and brooding castle of EVIL, where the heroes go to
jive their last.  And I'd have the tallest towers in the land, you know it
baby!"
     "I'd be a dark and brooding castle of funk!  A grooving place where
the party goes all night, the villains come out to get their jive going,
and the candelabras all drop stuff when you whip them."
     "Better.  Number Two?"
     "A castle as well, I suppose.  Probably my dark queen's castle, from
which she is going to enslave the entire world.  Though there would be a
grand zoo of all the most exotic monsters out back, serving as my loyal
henchmen, and it would be utterly impregnable to pesky teen adventurers."
     "Of course.  And Number Three?"
     "Well, I know this is stretching the question a little bit, and I'm
sorry for it, but I think I might have to go with Plato's Cave, from the
famous allegory of the shadows on the wall.  I'm just fascinated by the
depths inherent in that metaphor.  Sometimes I even feel like what I think
of as myself is just a shadow cast by some archetypical me that's out
there somewhere some Platonic form that... I'm sorry, I'm rambling."
     "No, it's okay, I found it fascinating.  Anyway... Anne, how much
time do we have left?"
     "Almost none, sorry.  Jack's half of the show ran long.  We're going
to cut to a commercial now, and when we get back, we'll see just which of
those three men is going to have a chance to date an eternal spirit of
time itself."

#####

     A quiet suburban house.  A normal Saturday afternoon.  A young boy is
sitting in an overstuffed easy chair, reading quietly.  His computer is
off, his Gameboy lies idly beside it.  Birds chirp outside the bright
window.
     A SWAT team rushes through the door.
     "All right, punk, up against the wall!"  The squad leader slams the
boy into the wall and handcuffs him, while the remainder of the squad
ransacks the room.
     "What, what?  What did I do?"
     "You're in big trouble, bucko.  Charge one: knocking out Mewtwo
instead of capturing it.  Charge two: making no effort to trade for
Gengar, Machamp, Golem, or Alakazam.  Charge three: willfully ignoring
your game in favor of other recreational activities.  Charge four:..."
     As the litany of crimes continues, and the team begins confiscating
the boy's Pikachu plushies, the camera pulls back to focus on the Gameboy,
which clearly has Pokemon Blue lying idle in it.
     'Pokemon.  You've *gotta* catch 'em all.'

#####

     "Welcome back to the Impro Dating Game, as we enter our final
moments.  So, Yumina, who's the lucky winner?"
     "Well, Number Two is a little too egotistical for my tastes.  Three
is very intelligent, and probably has a very good heart under that shy
shell... but I've put too much work into Bachelor Number One at this point
to just give up on him.  I think with a little time I might be able to
make an actual sensitive human being out of him.  So he's my final
answer."
     "As good a reason as any, I guess.  Let's meet the ones you passed up
first.  Bachelor Number Two is an evil lackey and henchman of Queen
Wintergreen, and is often mixed up with his twin sister, who
inconveniently shares his name.  From Starburst Crystal, it's Twix!"
     The villain strutted across the stage to Yumina and shook her hand
coldly.  "You will pay for this, you know.  Nobody subjects the greatest
member of Queen Wintergreen's army to such indignities as I've suffered
here and gets away with it.  Just as soon as we get rid of those meddling
kids..."
     The villain walked across the stage to Yumina and shook her hand
warmly.  "No hard feelings.  Really, I'm far too busy back on Mars to be
doing this sort of thing, but it was a pleasant diversion.  Fare well."
     Anne nodded.  "And from the bizarre but beautiful Dream Tides,
Bachelor Number Three, Asa Morgenstern."
     Asa shook Yumina's hand gently.  "Um, a pleasure working with
you.  Sorry I didn't live up to your expectations..."
     "Oh, don't worry," Yumina smiled.  "Tell the truth, you're probably a
better person than the one I chose.  But I've just got this soft spot for
hopeless cases.  Keep your spirits up -- you'll make someone very happy
someday."  Asa blushed and moved off.
     "And finally, your choice of romantic partners for the next day or
so, hailing from Castlevania 1970: Disco of Evil, it's Black Priest
Shaft!"  Anne blinked.  "Funny.  I thought Shaft was a lot cruder.  He
seemed almost nice when he was answering you."
     Yumina smiled mysteriously.  "Shut your mouth."
     Shaft slipped smoothly around the screen, grinning the self-confident
grin of someone who knows he's the funkiest person in five hundred
miles.  "Hey there, groovy ladies."  He kissed the back of Yumina's
hand.  "You got some fine taste, my girl, and I'm gonna prove you done the
right thing."
     Yumina grinned.  "I'm sure you will.  I'll make sure of it."  She
turned back to Anne.  "So, what's our prize?"
     "You'll be taking a tour of the greatest moments in ImproFanfic
history, it seems.  According to this, there's an enchanter back stage
with a GOLMAC spell, whatever that is, waiting to whisk you and a
cameraman back to some of the most stunning and memorable points in the
history of the most famous ImproFanfic stories ever.  Courtesy of the
Frobozz Magic Time Travel Company."
     Black Priest Shaft paled enough to be more akin to the Ashen Grey
Priest Shaft.  "But most of the famous spots in history 'round these
parts, ain't they either totally incomprehensible or shockingly
violent?  I don't really dig that scene, man..."
     "I think it sounds perfectly wonderful," Yumina said.  "Come on,
Shaftie-chan.  Let's get jiggy with it."
     Anne turned back to the audience.  "And that's all for today's
show.  Tune in next week.  Hopefully I'll have managed to survive with my
sanity intact until then."
     "MR. TIE!  I WILL KILL YOU!"
     "... but probably not."



#####

Author's Notes:

This mushroomed out of control rather a lot.  Hopefully it'll hold
people's interest, and the parser segment won't get on too many nerves,
but if I've failed, my deepest apologies.  (If I've succeeded, of course,
I'll just bask in the glory.)

Scott Johnson
zagyg@io.com