The associate producer sat in a folding chair backstage and sighed, her head clasped between her hands. She was in real, serious, deep, and quite substantial trouble. Despite the success of the last episode, the fact that the last contestants had been attacked a homicidal clothing accessory hadn't helped their recruiting efforts. It was less than an hour until the show started, and the assistant was still making desperate phone calls, trying to line someone up. So far, there had been no success. She was just contemplating how it would be possible to blame the whole thing on Jack (something that was surprisingly difficult in this particular situation), when a pounding knock reverberated through the walls, nearly upsetting her from her chair. After determining that the knocking was coming from the rear stage entrance, she quickly stood, walked over, and threw open the offending entrance blockade. "Can I help-" the AP began in a rather irritated voice, but stopped when she realized she was talking to someone's stomach. Looking upward, her gaze came to rest on the visage of a large, green, scaly, and extremely worried-looking... creature. "Can I have my tie back?" he asked in a low, rumbling voice that somehow had a hint of squeaking nerd teenage boy behind it. The AP blinked. "Huh?" The creature scratched head with a large claw, looking uncomfortable. "Well, you see, that tie that attacked everyone on the show last week... it was kind of mine. Well, not really mine, it was actually my dad's, and-" "What do you mean that it was yours?" Her voice had more than a hint of underlying anger, and her eyes glittered in a not very happyshinypretty way. Despite outweighing her by a good four hundred fifty pounds, the creature took a step back away from the angry woman. "Well, you see, I'm planning to take over the world, and I made some of the lamps in my house into minions, but my dad must have left his tie in the living room because it apparently came to life too, though I didn't know it until I saw it one the show (did I mention how much I like your show, because I really do) and it really is my dad's favorite tie, and he'll be kinda mad if he finds out what happened to it, so is there any way I could get it back?" The AP raised an eyebrow at the would-be world dominator, who was now frantically gasping for breath. "We cut it up. And then we burned it. And then we flushed the ashes down the toilet." "...oh..." "So... you want to take over the world, but are worried about making your dad angry?" "...yes..." She nodded. "Well, lots of luck with that then. Sorry, I'd adore chatting with you more, but I have a show to run." Making a mental note to have one of the janitors clean up the puddle of sarcasm that had managed to drip out, she began closing the door. "Wait, I wanted to ask you something about the show..." She paused, slightly annoyed. "What?" "Well I was sort of wondering..." He grinned a bit sheepishly. "Um, if you ever have any openings on the show or anything, I'd really like to be on it... you see, I'm sort of trying to find a Dark Queen, and my current, um, choice doesn't seem... too thrilled, and I would like to be able to keep my options open, you know?" The AP's brain did the Jig of Happiness inside of her head, but she managed to keep her face and voice calm. "Actually, we have an opening for today's show, if you aren't doing anything." He nodded. "Wonderful. Let me just have my assistant make a few calls..." xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Working Title Fiction Presents: THE IMPRODATING GAME Created by Delfina and Stephica This Part By Lady Brick Part 14: It's Evil, Baby! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo "Helloooooooooooo ImproDating Game viewers! Have we got an exciting show for you tonight!" Somehow, Jack managed to make himself heard over the screaming audience, possibly because his insanity levels put him outside of the realm of normal physics. "Tonight, our contestants won't just be competing for a date with the man of their dreams! That's right, instead, they'll be competing for the prestigious title of MOST EVIL WOMAN IN IMPRODATING, as well as a date with a large, ugly, green, delusional and rather stupid teenage nerd." Unsurprisingly, the crowd cheered. "But first, we have some footage of the date of our last two contestants... roll it!" The screen flicker to life behind Jack, displaying an image of Anna (wearing a perfect replica of Utena's dress from the ball scene, manga version) and Death (dressing in formal satin robes) seated in a very expensive restaurant, the kind that gave each diner enough silverware to arm a good-sized army. Violins played in the background. The two appeared to be engaged in deep conversation. "-the stigma about yaoi is all wrong," Anna was saying. "It isn't just about sex. It is about men who are able to truly share something meaningful, emotionally and physically, even if there are no women involved... hey, are you listening?" Death picked up an oyster fork and began stabbing it into his eye socket repeatedly. "Aw, ain't love grand?" cooed Jack as the screen faded out. "It just warms my heart to see two healthy, normal kids on a night out like that. But who cares about them. Time to meet today's contestants!" He straightened his tie (his old, trusted striped one) and whipped a stack of index cards from his pocket. "First, we have a lovely lady who has already achieved the title of dark queen, and has a sweet tooth for more conquest and destruction. Let's hear it for Bachelorette Numbaaaaaa One!" A tall woman with pale hair and a sleek green dress carrying a glowing spear stepped onstage and took her seat, eyeing the audience coldly. "Our next contestant looks like an ordinary school girl, but don't let that fool you! Under that soft, nubile young flesh lays the heart of a backstabbing, blackmailing villain who may be a few cards short of a full deck." Number Two, who indeed looked like an ordinary schoolgirl, took he seat on stage. Something about her presence seemed to darken the area, and anyone who had been hoping for a good view up her skirt suddenly found themselves looking as far away as possible. "Our next contestant may not have the title of queen yet, but she's working on it. She's got attitude, she's got money, and hey, rumor is, she's a lesbian! What more could a guy ask for? Give it up for Bachelorette Number Three!" Number Three stormed out, also wearing a school uniform, her eyebrow twitching. "I am NOT a lesbian!" "Of course you aren't, sweet cheeks. Now take a seat like a good girl, and hands off the other two contestants, unless you are positive the camera is getting a really good shot." Fuming, Number Three took a seat and stared at Number Two. "What are you looking at?" "Nothing important," Number Two replied in a bored voice. Number Three growled. "Now, now ladies, let's not start the fun without our happy-go-lucky bachelor. He's a big, green, Sauce devouring machine... it's Eugene, the SUPER YOUMA GENERAL of Project Chibification! "Um, actually, that is SUPERYOUMAGENERAL, you know, one word," Eugene qualified as he walked onto the stage, a few lamps dragging an oversized stool behind him. "Of course it is," said Jack brightly, patting him on the shoulder as he sat. "So Eugene, you're here today to find yourself a Dark Queen, is that right?" "That is correct Jack." "Well, I'm sure one of our contestants will be evil enough to suit your rather... large needs." The audience snickered. "You maybe begin the questioning." Eugene blinked several times, unsure as to what the audience found so funny, then shrugged and looked through his small pile of cards. "Number One, what ice cream flavor best signifies evil to you?" Number One pursed her lips thoughtfully. "I would have to say black raspberry, Eugene. Because of the relation of black to evil." Number Two smirked. "How creative." Number One growled at her, the spear in her hand flaring with light for a moment. She took a breath and smiled. "When one has enough power, creativity isn't too important, child." "Yeah, power is good," Eugene agreed, oblivious to the tension on the other side of the curtain. "Um, so, what kind of powers do you have, Number Two?" Number Two gave a small smile, similar to that of an exceptionally vicious cat about to devour a mouse, after having batted it bloody for several hours and then grown bored. "Those who know my true name fear to speak it. The wise ones flocks to my side, and those who oppose me know that their time is short." "Yeah, but uh, what do you do? Do you shoot out beams that fry people? That's always cool." Number Two, looking somewhat less happy, stared at the floor and mumbled something. "Huh?" "I said... I don't exactly know what my powers are yet, exactly." Bachelorettes One and Three began laughing. Apparently, Number Two's hidden powers didn't involve glowering, as it had little effect on the other two women. Eugene appeared about equally impressed, tossing the card to the floor without taking any notes. "Number Three..." He squinted at the new card. "When did you decide to become a lesbian?" "I am NOT a lesbian!" fumed the irate girl. "Just because I did everything within my power to steal my arch-enemy's best friend and make her my best friend doesn't mean ANYTHING. Sure, I had large amounts of video footage and high resolution photos taken of her, and stared at them all night, and possibly fantasized about her dressed in something a little less concealing, but that doesn't mean that I was interested in her in a sexual manner." The audience looked skeptical. Someone in back laughed briefly. Irate changed to violently enraged. "Fine!" she snapped. "You want something to laugh at? I'll give you something to laugh- Wait, that's not right." She paused a moment. "You won't be laughing when I'M done with you. Yeah, that's right." Her schoolgirl uniform was flung off to reveal a rather skimpy battle suit including a miniature arm-mounted torpedo launcher which she promptly began firing at the audience. Eugene glanced nervously at the enraged girl intent on decimating what remained of the quickly evacuating audience, then back at his stack of note cards. "Uh, Number One, what have you found to be the best advice when establishing a reputation as an evil mastermind?" "Never let anyone else steal your thunder," Number One glowered. She lifted her spear and fired a blast of pale, fresh-smelling energy at Number Three. Eugene paled slightly, an interesting effect when combined with the green skin. "Perhaps I shouldn't have asked..." He looked to Jack for help. "Girls, this is a nice friendly dating game, not Ultra." When his words went unheeded, and the two contestants continued duking it out, Jack shrugged and adjusted his miniature video camera, hoping that this was one of those girl/girl fights that followed the Hentai Laws of Physics. Number Two, doing a quick tarot card reading and discovering that remaining in this local would bring dark and unwanted changes to her existence, quietly crept out. Eugene's eyes shifted from the fighting girls to the enthralled Jack to his cowering lamps hidden in the corner. "Is there no one who can end this insanity?" he pleaded to the heavens, wishing that he hadn't forgotten his dose of Sauce that morning. At just that moment, the associate producer stepped out from the curtain, looking enraged. She had let the fight go on until the assistant had notified her that the ratings were dropping... apparently mayhem and violence wasn't as popular as it had been last week. Pulling a megaphone out of seemingly thin air, she bellowed "STOP DESTROYING MY STUDIO OR YOU AREN'T GETTING PAID!" The battle abruptly cut out. The AP surveyed the damage. "On second thought, the repairs are still going to come out of your paychecks. Now get out." Cowed, the two would-be villains stalked out, muttering about the cost of maintaining giant robots and incompetent minions. Eugene looked about the now-contestantless stage and gestured helplessly at Jack. "Hmm, why don't you take her?" Jack said, gesturing to the AP. "She did come out on top of those other two, though not in the literal sense that I could have videotaped and sold on eBay, unfortunately. And I would definitely consider her more evil then any of those three, though in retrospect, that isn't too impressive." He looked sadly at his duck-less shoulder. The AP stared at Jack for a moment, then shrugged. "What the hell. I could a dinner or whatever. Where are we going?" Jack looked at his notes. "A free seminar at Dark Moon-Berkley. It says they're going to have a buffet." The AP nodded and linked arms with the large SUPERYOUMAGENERAL and headed out. "Oh, and Jack, can you make sure the studio gets fixed while I'm out. If you do a good job, maybe I'll give you some visitation rights for Mr. Duck. Maybe." An eerily Naga-like laugh followed her as she exited. Jack placed the video camera with its precious footage back in his pocket and looked around what remained of the studio. "Good thing I still have some connections with This Old Dojo..." xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Very sorry. I'm not even sure the horrible finals, illness, moving, and nervous breakdown can excuse this mess ^_^;;; Oh yes, Number One was Queen Wintergreen from Starburst Crystal, Number Two was the Queen of Pentacles from Arcana, and Number Three was B-ko from Ultra. Yadee yadee feedback... I'm going to get some well-deserved sleep now.